How to make it easier for my wife?

Be honest, truthful, apologetic ... But don't give her false hope. You clearly know your gay and have no interest in her. But do care about her feelings. Cold blunt truth. There is nothing subtle about your predicament. Make sure she knows it's nothing she has done, and it's all you. You have done the right thing by moving out

 

I would ABSOLUTELY discourage you from living a platonic marriage if you know you will be unhappy. At 45, I'd show interest in you. My wife is 38. So that's close; I'm 32. I'm questioning my own romantic interests, as well as my own gender identity.

All the best ... DON'T make yourself unhappy just for fear of being alone!

 

Hi Paul... This is the exact thought that is haunting me at the moment. Was coming out to my wife a huge mistake that I'll live to regret? Our marriage had devolved to a platonic partnership long before I told her I was gay. Would it have better to stay quiet and closeted?

It's only been 3 months...too soon to know the answers to those questions, but I can't stop my mind from second guessing my decision.

Of course the third scenario, the one we hope for, is to find real mutual love with a man...a love that includes the sexual attraction that was missing from our relationship with our wives. It is possible. There are a few on this forum who have found it. Is it a foolish thing to strive for given the huge price and the uncertainty of success? I'm afraid only time will tell.

 

Sounds all too familiar. I came clean to myself, and what a hot mess I've gotten myself into. Seems there are a lot of us. Way I try to look at it, I'm embarking on a new adventure. Not sure where it'll lead, not what else I'll find out about myself, but you only live once. I'm not sure I can live with all those "what ifs.":smilewave

 

Since you have already come out, you make it easier on her by letting her do what she needs to do on her own time schedule, while making sure she is financially secure just as she was when you were together. What you do not do is backtrack and try to pretend that it was all just a big mistake, and fake caring for her again. You have told her the truth; stick with it and help her readjust her situation to address the fact that you are leaving her as a mate, but still supporting her as a good friend with shared history.

Your friend isn't going to make much progress until he comes out to himself, and then to you, if he ever does.

 

Well if he's decided to come out, FABULOUS!! You can support each other, and UHF you two have feelings for each other, which it sounds like you might, then give it a shot. You're on a new adventure. Go where it leads, and follow your heart.

 

Despite my best efforts, my wife did not initially cope well, but honesty is key, because any white lie will be used against you. We're now looking at an amicable seperation and divorce. You've crossed the Rubican. There is no going backwards. No one willingly goes through this much to tuck tail and run back. I you do you're owned by her lock, stock, and barrel. Congratulations on the hardest decision you've ever made.

 

I'm assuming you meant tscott and myself. You're welcome. Happy to help. That's why we're here!

 

I don't agree that you crossed the Rubicon. Not yet, anyway.

You have to take these things one day at a time.

 

I'm in the same boat, just be honest, don't hide anything ever again... Maybe therapy. My wife and I start therapy next week...

 

Hi Paul13,

Keep in mind this is EC and not "happy haven" and personal experiences are biased towards the negative. People who never have problems never end up in therapy or on EC.

I know a straight couple where the wife is 20 years older than the husband and it has always been bliss for both. He is now in his 40's, she is in her 60's and all is good and it all started in his early 20's.

Neither has ever sought help for non existant problems and they would never be tabulated as a successful mixed age couple because there is no problem.

 

Hi Paul13--

I'm a little late to this discussion, but I also know couples with a pretty significant age spread who are quite happy. One couple in particular is 20 or so years apart, with the husband being the older. I would have to say they are one of the most well-adjusted couples I know, and the reason is simple: They know who they are, and they know what they want. Neither feels dependent on the other, and they're not together because they feel that they desperately need one another. They love each other, but they liked and respected each other first. I don't know that I'd really consider them "soul mates", whatever that is, and while both are very ethical and honest people (with just a touch of self-centeredness!), they have very little shared "cultural history". But they do have SOME interests in common, and are secure enough to allow each other time apart to pursue what is NOT in common. To some degree, she is a trophy wife, and to some degree, he is a sugar daddy. But they are what the other needs, and it works--and it works remarkably well.

You can play a whole numbers game to determine what your age limit might be, and make a lot judgments based on what you THINK might work and might not. But in the end, I think if you concentrate on the person, rather than a mental checklist, you are probably better off. Shared history may be the tipping point that makes you work with someone. Or shared interests. Or shared goals. It doesn't have to be ALL of those factors, just the one or two that are the most significant to the both of you, that will make it click and work. But the common ground of this couple (and a few others I know with larger age spreads) is that they know who they are and what they want.

Thus speaks a guy with no experience who is still living with his wife, and scoping and dreaming! But I can tell you that based on my small and awkward dating experiences years ago, and my marriage, that the single biggest obstacle to our happiness as a couple has NOT been that I'm gay and she's straight. It was that neither of us understood ourselves, or knew what we wanted our partner to be. No one can fill your deepest need if you don't know what it is to begin with. I have a much better idea what mine is now than I ever did. She still doesn't, and it's possible she never will. But if you have someone 15-20 years your junior and it seems right, no one but YOU can be the judge of whether or not it IS right.