Tipping Point? A question to Bi's and people who used to call themselves "Bi"

So I recently came out to my wife that I am Bi. I'm 40 we have a young daughter. I'm still very attracted to my wife and we have a good sex life. I have had feelings for men of a some time, but have never acted on them other than experimenting w anal play w my wife. I love it and am pretty sure I would enjoy sex w a man.

My wife wants me to just try it. I think she feels that if I have sex with a man that I will immediately be gay and not want woman any more, and bring closure to our sexual relationship. I don't feel this is the case, but as I have never experienced it, she has me wondering if there is a possibility of it. "Am I really just gay?

I'd like to hear from anyone who experienced sex with the same gender later in life while being married and whether it was a "tipping point" for them from which they never returned to the opposite sex or whether it just expanded their world of experiences and options for pleasurable relations and they are now enjoying life with their married partner and someone else?

Thank you for your time.

 

Hi there,

I have had, and enjoyed, sex with the opposite sex.

But, the limited experience I have had of having sex with the same sex, it simply blew my mind away. Whereas with men, whilst I was attracted to them and enjoyed the stimulation, there just seems to be a greater overall sensuality and intensity with a woman. It's like my whole world has opened up. So, whilst I don't completely rule out being with a man again, women is really where my heart lies at the moment. I also realise that the men I have been with have been rather effeminate - I have been looking for the feminine and female in previous relationships without thinking to actually find that in a woman.

I suppose my advice to you would be to think about what is really important to you - your love for your wife, or to scratch the itch you have for men. If you were to have sex with men you might really enjoy it, more than you have ever experienced with a woman. Would you be able to live with that, and stay with your wife?

 

Great question... I do believe deep down that my answer is YES... I could have sex with a man and still love, want, need my wife... with our sex being predominant. I guess I really won't know till I try though.

With regards to the sensuality of sex w a woman... there are masculine men out there that are very sensual. You just need to find one that is comfortable with it. My wife praises how I can dominate her in a sensual way where she feels like she is being "taken" but doesn't feel degraded or scared during the experience. If I guy just has sex with you with his penis, you are missing out. The whole body experience has to be there and I'm guessing that is what you got with a woman?

That said though, you know you and trust your intuition.

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes, I got the sensuality thing with a woman. But then I do find women's bodies very much more enticing and erotic than a man's. I never really got the point of male pin ups. Women, yes.

 

Thanks for your reply Leuger.

Were the fireworks with a woman to do with emotional/ romantic connection or was it purely sexual? I find my desires are purely sexual and I don't fantasize about a relationship with a man at all. My wife and I have experimented with toys, but I do find them to be well... one dimensional. Its tough to know where you are and what you are pushing against when you are using something that you can't feel. I just wonder how much better it would be with the real thing.

 

Great question Skiff... thanks for asking.

Couple factors here. Right now, my wife is suggesting I be with a man because she feels it will indeed be a Tipping Point and once I have it, I won't want her and more and we will move on. That is how I see it at least and the reason being is that she is constantly questioning me about what happens if you are really just gay?

Another is that with respect to experimenting w my sexuality and her role playing the male, there is nothing in it for her. She doesn't feel great doing it to me and it shows... I think likes the power role, but the act disgusts her a bit - thats what I read on her face when she does it.

For me, sex w a toy feels hard. Although it gets to where its supposed to, there is a plastic hard feel that kinda hurts so the experience is kinda love hate for me. I imagine that flesh doesn't have that feel.

Also, my wife can't have an orgasm w me unless there is intense assisted vibration. We have a good tickle trunk and she gets off often, but never w just me. As well, she has real difficulty achieving orgasm if I am in her visual plane. I am very sensual and sexual. I'm experienced and know what is like to give my partner multiple orgasms while looking in their eyes. To me, the act of taking my partner to that realm is the most satisfying part of sex... don't get me wrong, I love getting off, but taking someone else there is so gratifying. I know that I would have no problem knocking a man's lights out... so, knowing that I feel for both woman and men, having a man for that role would be good for me.

When suggesting a Bi men come to our bedroom and we both enjoy him, a light does flicker in my wife's eyes. She admits she would enjoy multiple sets of hands and double the attention... I get it, who wouldn't

She is curious about woman. She has a friend that she is in love w emotionally. I see it come out in her whenever the friend is around. I've called her on it lots but she says that nothing sexual has ever happened, nor does she desire it. But she has admitted to being attracted to woman (usually only when she has had some libation). Ive encouraged her to try as I would love for her to be able to get that blissful orgasm with a partner and I'm sure an experience woman would do it for her.

While the fantasy of it all is extremely attractive, my wife cautions that the reality would be too difficult. The jealously factor would be huge. That is why I have told her I want her there with me and part of it so she isn't left out. I'd actually feel better if it was another bi couple so she could experiment at the same time.

You have me thinking though and others have talked about monogamous couples that just role play and use good toys. Know of any strap ons that vibrate for the woman and feel more "life like" for the bottom? Perhaps that is all we need. Tried the "feeldoe slim" but not enough control nor stimulation for her.

thanks

 

Thanks Jim

We have been to counselling but not for "sex therapy". She has a hard enough time opening up to me let alone to me and a therapist at the same time.

So, from your perspective, being with a man was indeed a tipping point?

I've looked at gay porn but always go back to woman or couples. We have been to LGBT dance parties together and I do find a certain type of man there attractive, especially when I get the "look". That said, I think my wife is the hottest thing out there when she lets herself go. Lots to think about.

Thanks. Thank you everyone for your comments. I appreciate being questioned and called on this. It is what I need.

---------- Post added 21st Jan 2014 at 04:32 PM ----------

uhhhh yeah

 

Re: Tipping Point? A question to Bi's and people who used to call themselves "Bi

I appreciate what you said here, Jim. I'm finding recently that the more honest I am with myself, the more I realise my desire for women, and the less I'm interested in men, and the more I realise I'm probably a lesbian.

From what I've read here, and elsewhere, there are people who have a great deal of clarity growing up that they are gay, even if they are publicly closeted for a while. Then there seems to be a whole other range of fluidity, where things aren't so simple.

In my own journey, I've gone from largely shutting out my same sex desires, trying to be straight and accepting my lot as a 'straight' woman, to now, where I allow more honesty with the extent of my same sex feelings and desires. That is not to say I haven't been aroused by certain men, but rather something has been 'missing'.

The more I allow conscious head-space to these same sex desires, the more I want to engage with these feelings as a reality, in terms of wanting a relationship with a woman. Certainly the early tentative steps I have taken, I realise there is greater potential to be more fulfilled in a relationship with a woman, than a man. I think in another generation I would probably be married to a man by now, not really knowing anything different, and not thinking to engage with the flutters of unwelcome attractions which have punctuated my life. I would probably assume that every woman had these feelings, but being married to a man is the correct order of things.

I suppose therefore I agree with Jim, that once you open Pandora's box, there may be no going back. You may find you realise there are aspects of yourself that had previously been very firmly locked away until now. This sexual play with your wife does sound like these same sex feelings are desperately trying to surface. I found sometimes with my ex-boyfriend I wished he was a woman. I wanted him to have breasts, and a female form. Mentally he was fairly feminine, but bodily of course, he wasn't.