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What's a bear to do?!?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tscott, Jan 19, 2014.

  1. tscott

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    I'm having a bit of a crises of conscience. Everyone here is wonderful, but you are all in the ether. I desperately want to bury my face in a warm, safe hairy chest, to be held, to be nuzzled. I've told a bunch of people why a hook-up is demeaning for both parties, and I am looking for a meaningful, long term relationship. Part of it is being horny, but part of it is also wanting to be protected and have the recent wounds of coming out seen to. I deserve to be comforted, butwant to remain true to my ideals. Comments, opinions, attitudes, advice?:confused:
     
  2. skiff

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    You are wise beyond your years as an openly gay man.

    EC has a horrendous limitation.
     
  3. The Lost One

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    I know what you mean. I have looked at some hook up sites and sometimes I REALLY want to or just to go to a bar with that as my sole purpose. However, it does go against my ideals. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a puritan but I am a cautious person. Hooking up with a random stranger from the internet is not so cautious. Still, I would not blame you if you did. It can be SO tempting sometimes.

    Have you thought about actually trying a dating site where you could 'build up' to the hook up? Then you wouldn't have to feel bad. I don't know your background so I can offer much useful advice. In the meantime, keep on fighting the good fight.
     
  4. skiff

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    Ok there are three of us... That is a trend :wink:
     
  5. vamonos

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    Being out helps. It's lonely and frustrating to be gay. I go out and get drunk and end up with women. I think I'm trying to be straight. It turns out badly. I just want to die.

    I was hiding my sexuality for so long. It's hard to change.

    What can you do? I'm an alcoholic. I engage in self-destructive bahavior. I never managed to kill myself. I'm getting older so I will die of something sooner or later.

    For me it's important to be honest and to be openly gay.

    Having friends helps a little.
     
  6. skiff

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    Hi,

    So much sadness...

    Tom

    ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2014 at 04:19 PM ----------

    Vamonos,

    Can we help you in any way?

    Tom
     
  7. sagebrush

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    I completely empathize, tscott.

    I've thought about those of us here in the ether who share similar stories, yet are struggling to find each other in the "real world." Apps and dating sites seem to reinforce unrealistic expectations and stereotypes, which further prevent us from connecting. While the search is exhausting and often feels fruitless, I think that seeking a meaningful relationship has great value—we just have to stay persistent on the journey, even in the loneliest moments.

    In the meantime, here's to friends and companions in the ether! :wave:
     
  8. tscott

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    Thanks everyone...I went on Craigs List yesterday just to see what was what...I felt like I needed a hot shower and I'm no prude...so glad I'm going to Compline...a little spirituality to soothe the savage breast.
     
  9. stocking

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    I feel the same way i want a real relationship with love and the sex but not just the sex .
     
  10. Choirboy

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    Add another one to the list.

    I was making home-made applesauce today with the last of the bushel we picked in the fall. Very boring work as you keep peeling and chopping, peeling and chopping.... So of course I started daydreaming. As I was peeling and chopping, someone came up behind me and started kissing me on the neck. I laughed and said, "This isn't going to cook itself!" He laughed too, and started undoing my belt. It was vivid enough that I was glad the girls were upstairs doing homework and my wife was in the living room nodding off in front of the umpteenth rerun of SVU, and I didn't have to immediately....uh, adjust.

    I think what I am really desperate for is not protection and comfort so much as that casual, sexy affection that I always expected to have with my wife but never really had. That kind of ease where if we were walking in the woods and felt like it, we'd sneak off the path and make out or whatever. There was a little touch of that at the start, but it really didn't last, and I have to say it wasn't just my fault that it dwindled so quickly and completely. She was mighty unresponsive, and being gay didn't make me not try at all, but it sure made me give up a lot sooner. And perhaps it's why I picked someone so screwed up to fall for in the first place.

    I put a lot of effort into my Pollyanna-like hope and optimism here and in the real world, because I know quite well how terribly easy it would be to slip into frustration and despair. I've been there. In the closet or out, our finances will still suck, and my wife will still be an emotional train wreck, and my daughters will still need one stable parent. I've started looking casually through a few of the dating sites because I'm not getting any younger, and although I'm pretty damn good at being patient and accepting delayed gratification, I can feel myself getting more and more resentful towards my wife and kids, and I know in the end that's not a healthy thing. Not sure what else to do at the moment.... No Compline for me, but I was the accompanist for last night's Mass, cantor and musician for another this morning, and did yet another with the choir. My own little escape, I guess. That and a little daydreaming while making applesauce.
     
  11. sagebrush

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    "Making applesauce" — so that's what the kids are calling it nowadays... (sorry--that made me smile)
     
  12. Miss Emma

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    Lol! That's good! Y'know? Safe in a warm, hairy chest sound very nice, I must admit! There goes being "lesbian!" Being genderqueer isn't exactly easyto determine orientation!
     
  13. Richie.

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    I want this too
     
  14. only me

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    WOW start paying off your debt and don't incur any if possible. I did not believe in divorce but I had to be free. I am just learning who I am and I love it.
     
  15. Highlander2

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    Yeah, and another one here. Lying my head down on it, or having him do that to me, lying out on the sofa just listening to each other breathing and feeling the pleasant weight of his body pressing against mine. Just chilling. I have faith that I'll get it... :slight_smile:
     
  16. tscott

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    It's my hope we all do
     
  17. PeteNJ

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    A hot and amazing as sex is, it is all about the intimacy, isn't it?

    When I wake up in the morning, and I see my guy lying there, I smile. (I am *always* the first one awake). Then hugging and holding each other until we both wake -- that's the sweet spot.

    And yes, with this guy, we'll be shopping at the mall, walking holding hands, and the next minute be in the department store trying on jeans and... umm... well... making applesauce :dry:

    ---------- Post added 20th Jan 2014 at 03:22 PM ----------

    coincidentally just read this article in Out -- "The new Monogamists"
    A new generation of gay couples is building a white picket fence around their sex lives. Are they depriving themselves of a perk of being gay?

    The New Monogamists: Are These Men Depriving Themselves of a Gay Perk | Out Magazine
     
  18. biggayguy

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    Count me in too. I've had enough of furtive hook-ups just for sex. I want a man to comfort and be comforted. Someone I can completely trust. As long as he isn't hideous looking I don't care. Anyone in SW Ohio PM me.
     
  19. skiff

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    Hi,

    Why would gays be fighting for marriage if they wanted open relationships? Marriage brings divorce, divorce is messy emotionally and financially, why beyond health benefits and taxes would gays marry unless it is a pursuit of emotional and financial security that monogamy brings.

    Sure, swingers are not pleased by a shift to monogamy, no surprise there.

    This is generational! Prior generations had a hope in hell of being monogamous. This emerging culture now offers monogamy to a new generation.

    God bless the youth, this emerging culture, and hope for a better gay future.

    Hey, swinging older gays... 12:00 is flashing on your VCR's. :slight_smile:. Give youth the opportunity to exercise monogamy. Why the heck you think we are fighting for same sex marriage?

    Tom

    ---------- Post added 20th Jan 2014 at 01:39 PM ----------

    Hey,

    Gay hetero married guys.. Lay out the emotional and financial benefits of divorce (beyond the gay problem).

    How much fun is divorce?

    Gay marriage is a civil rights issue seeking emotional and financial security through monogamy.
     
  20. Gaysibling

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    I am very lucky with my local bear community. Although obviously a lot of it is about sex we also give each other genuinely affectionate hugs whenever we meet socially. Currently I am single, and not constantly seeking sex , a real long term partner would be great, but in the meantime Iam fortunate tofeel loved and supported. It took a while, I arrived back in New Zealand four yearsago after the abrupt end of what I thought was a lifetime relationship... and having been away for a number ofyears it was almost like coming out all over again. My advice would be to see whether there are social groups in your area, look for an activity or interest you enjoy and see whether there is a gay/bear group for it. That way you tend to meet guys firstly as people ( make no mistake, there will be guys looking just for hook ups, but your chances of meeting people interested in something meaningful will be higher)