Married (long-term) but not out

That sounds super tough and all and I don't have much else to add but good luck with your situation, I'm rooting for your happy ending.

 

Is it a rule we closeted gay men who seek marriage sought woman who were damaged or had self worth issues?

Yeah we are faking it but why so many wives have issues? I am beginning to think we subconsciously seek them out.

Your story is just like the rest of us.

Time is our enemy. We have all wasted too much of our lives. Time to stop running and start grappling and solving the issues we created for ourselves.

You seem to be on track to doing that.

 

That's so sad, but I'm happy you two are trying to take control of your happiness.

 

Not sad, it was a mistake that snow balled.

 

You're metaphors are amazing, I wish I was able to express myself as beautiful as that.

 

RainbowRally,

In this new era where anybody who did not accept LGBT sexuality would be frowned upon, not only by society but in many places by the law, why are you not taking advantage of this new openess?

I ask from the standpoint of somebody who made a mistake, which started out as innocently as your position now and it arose into a mountain of complexity.

Being only 18 you do not realize how much easier it is today. So much easier today that many hetero married gays are breaking the shackles of decades.

Breaking these shackles is not easy with emotions and lifetimes of security put at risk but it is scary and liberating, but not sad at all.

Don't feel sad for us as frankly, sympathy is not our goal. Rather grab a mirror, look at us, look at yourself in the mirror and take steps to prevent having to unravel a mountain of lies by NEVER making the first one.

Don't feel sad for us, prevent similar for yourself.

Marely's Ghost

Yeah you will be visited by three spirits; gay past, gay present and gay future. Pay attention.

Spoiler alert... The story ends with avvarous and ignorance being exposed. The greed of social acceptance and the foolishness of forfeiting yourself to feel accepted. All lies.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you through how I felt, I didn't mean that but yeah I don't know why I'm not taking advantage of the times now but like I was a cheerleader and I'm so use to being the perfect girl.

 

So in your version of this saga does Tiny Tim (personal happiness) live or die?

By the way... We are all perfect gay or straight.

You did not offend me you simply awoke Marley's Ghost.

It has taken 55 years but my Tiny Tim is feeling much better no matter how bitter the medicine.

 

I feel kind of heinous that I don't know who Tiny Tim or Marley's Ghost is but like I've never dealt with issues of being different , bullying or being rejected publicly since I was popular, had good grades and guys would always give me attention even though I like never put out. Would it be wrong to be content with that because I don't know if i could deal with people thinking less of me plus I don't know how it would affect others.

 

Still Around,

Did not mean to sidetrack your thread but hopefully Marley's ghost speaks to you as well as I hope it does to RainbowRally.

I have some idea how tough it is for you, but obviously your Tiny Tim is taking a turn to the better.

Hang in there.

"A Christmas Carol" is a great allegory here.

Tiny Tim can live if we choose for it.

Tom

 

Yeah I feel bad for sidetracking too, so I'm gonna stop but I'm going to say good luck before I go also thanks for your advice skiff.

 

A Christmas Carol -- Marley's Ghost - A Great Scene - YouTube

God! The chain I forged for myself!

 

Telling the wife is harder than anything else. Once you do that... It's all gravy.

Yes my wife is quite a needy person... Strange.. Maybe I sensed that and rolled with it...

 

This situation of closeted gay men being married to extremely damaged and needy women is really pretty striking. There are a lot of us here who seem to have done that. I can remember when I was in my twenties and dating very occasionally (and without a lot of enthusiasm), my younger sister observed that I would probably end up with someone who had gone through hell and NEEDED a nice, kind person to make her life better. Ironically, I married a friend of hers who fit that bill perfectly--alcoholic father, emotionally distant and disengaged mother, abuse in the family, and by the time we got together, a drunk and abusive spouse as well.

Perhaps we were trying to "fix" our own issues by picking a spouse we thought we COULD "fix". Or our own level of emotional damage was more appealing to someone who had their own damage as well. My wife always said I was "different" from the other guys, and since all the other guys in her life were drunk or abusive, that was very appealing to her. Who the heck knows. This whole coming out process has been a weird swirl of accepting myself, realizing that being gay doesn't make me some kind of messed-up freak, but also realizing that SHE is a mess as well, and after 20 years of marriage, nothing I do is ever going to be able to FIX that mess. If she had ever healed, I wonder if I would even have wanted to leave the safety of the closet. Of course--then perhaps SHE would have wanted to leave ME.

StillAround, I totally get where you're coming from on your concerns about her issues, and not wanting to contribute toward them any more. When I told my wife I was gay, we were having a fight and she was (as usual) dramatically blaming herself for all our problems. It's a tactic she uses frequently to get me to tell her "No, you're not a bad person...." I just blurted out that our problems weren't all her fault because, I was gay. I was kind of shocked to say it that way myself. In the almost 5 months since then, our relationship has changed very little, for better or for worse, which has led me to realize that I had a lot less responsibility for her mental state than I thought. You probably are not causing her depression as much as you think. After spending 20 years trying desperately to make her happy and failing, I finally had the "Helen Keller at the pump" moment where I realized that if I couldn't make her happy, I probably couldn't make her miserable either--only SHE can do that. Your wife is probably the same.

I'm still with her so my teenage kids don't end up stuck with the crazy parent, and her overall lack of responsibility doesn't put us all on the street. If you don't have those kind of concerns, I'd do some thinking about your future. Being out, even to the few people I am out to, is amazingly liberating and can even be a little addictive. Go for it!

 

Hi,

Maybe we are not altruistic either... Maybe it is just easier to marry a person who has self worth issues and accepting of anyone who shows them positive attention.

I hope I am wrong.

Tom

 

Not every gay guy married a needy depressed women. Some of us married a woman that we fell in love with because she was the "perfect" match for us. Perfect being the best match for the circumstances. Being raised in the Catholic church, the perfect match could not be another man of course. So here I am!

Please don't take responsibility for her depression. Obviously from your description her depression has nothing to do with you being gay. It's going to be tough but just take baby steps and ride the waves with style and hold your head high. It will get better. Since I came out several years ago I have developed personal friendships with several gay guys and it helps a lot to be able to just sit down, have a glass of wine, and talk about life with a gay guy......it's liberating! So, I highly encourage you to pursue a friendly relationship with your gay friends.

Good luck!

 

Yes I agree with this, we already take responsibility for so much, and blame ourselves for everything else, she has to take some responsibility for her problems.. Depression can be over come as can anxiety and are not triggered normally from a single event.

Yes this is where I stand

 

There is something to that, to be sure....I know I got quite the rush from having someone as interested in me as my wife was early on. But you can't connect with something you can't understand. When I married my wife, I was a frightened person who was hiding from myself and from the abuse I had experienced from people who THOUGHT I was gay, and worried about what I might go through if I came OUT as gay. If you've lived your life in a bunker, you don't know how to relate to someone who hasn't lived there too. You may not even realize there's life OUTSIDE the bunker.

 

Question is...

Ok, I am out of the bunker but how do you drop the Kevlar vest imbedded in your skin?

I know I have barriers up. Sure I am gay and will admit it to anyone, but learning to risk your heart again is another step.

I want to drop the shields too in addition to stepping out of the bunker.