This is what got me to start my process of coming out...

So I just joined EC earlier this week and started a thread to introduce myself. The response was terrific (and insightful), so I wanted to start this one up...

So how did I decide, at almost 70, that it's time to open the closet door? Good question, glad you asked.

I've had several careers in my life, and one of them was teaching secondary school. Not long before I retired from that, I taught a student who particularly impressed me with his insight and maturity. Several years later, we became FB friends and stayed in touch. He came out of his closet at 19 with as smooth a transition as anyone could hope for today, and that no one could have imagined when I was 19.

He and I have kept in touch through his college career, meeting for coffee 2-3 times a year, and I greatly enjoyed our time together, watching a young man grow into his own with none of the issues of the generations before him. He'd never even heard of Stonewall or Anita Bryant. (Sorry, I'm showing my age--stories for another time.)

I hadn't seen him for some time until a week ago, when he invited me to lunch with his family and new boyfriend (his second serious relationship). Anyway, here we all were, at his mom's house, he and his boyfriend sitting side by side, holding hands. Whenever one of them got up, he would touch the other, sliding a hand across the back, or just touching an arm.

I was overcome (no exaggeration) with both the joy of seeing them together, accepted by family and friends as any other couple would want to be, and with the sadness that I had never had that intimacy with another man.

And I want that. I need that. And so I knew--it was time for me.

Any other stories out there that this rings a bell with, or even stories that this doesn't resonate with? I'm all ears...

 

I know. I think part of what draws me to the young is their vulnerability, their bravery, and the injustice of having to go through what they do. But then I guess that's also true of all of us. But how wonderful that they can access the kinds of resources that folk like you can provide!

I do so much volunteer work now that I can't imagine taking on more. But I have thought many times of doing what you're doing. A great way of finding yourself while helping others do the same.

 

Yes. Plan to talk to one of them face to face on Sunday, and the other by phone by Sunday night. But they're so young, and I want to be so careful not to damage or use them. They are both so young.

 

Thanks, Noelle. I'm old enough that coming out to parents is no longer an issue: dad died in '78, mom in '95. I have one sister, 3 years older, whom I suspect won't be all that surprised, though clearly not happy with the mess I've created. Then again, she has a mid-30's gay son, so who knows?

I do though, have one female cousin, about 8 years younger than I, and I care a lot about her opinion. She's very tolerant and progressive--sort of a kindred spirit--and a social worker to boot, so I think that will be OK.

I had discussed my same-sex attraction with my wife a year or so ago, but last night I came out definitively to her, and I have a lot of wreckage to deal with. I hope so much we'll be able to remain friends when this all settles down, because she's been my best friend, my rock, and my guide for so many years. My heart just breaks to see the pain she's in.

Who ever said this would be easy.

And I hope you're right. I'm having coffee with one the young men in the morning, and I'll be dropping quite the bombshell on him...

 

I admit that I yearn for what you call sexual confirmation, but for now, just that easy affection, that casual touch, that knowing smile, could be enough. Just have to wait and see. Thanks for writing.

 

So, being a newbie here, a site question... How did my thread end up with stars next to it? I means, it feels flattering (who doesn't like to get stars, from kindergarten on?), but whassup with this?

 

Thanks for the kind words, Pete. It does feel wonderful. And at the same time, truly, truly awful. My wife has reacted in so much better a way than I deserve. Her grace at this moment humbles me.

I've spent a lot of time reading and rereading the post about learning to feel again... I experienced one of those moments yesterday on a solitary drive. And today, in a conversation with my wife, I wept openly and uncontrollably. I'm still weeping. Is that a V or a B on my keyboard? And I feel so awful and so relieved at the same time. Awful because of what I've put her through; and relieved (even wonderful) because I've started to feel again.

As Skiff says: I give up. I am gay. I am strong.

God, what a feeling. Here it comes again.

I love you all.

 

Thanks for asking. I met with just one of the two-- the new boyfriend of my friend; had planned to talk to the other by phone the same evening, as he lives 1000 miles away. I ended up not doing the great reveal. Sorry for the letdown...

It's not that I chickened out; I would have felt quite comfortable telling him--no tension, stress, butterflies in my stomach. It's just that we were both having such a great time talking to each other learning about each other's lives. We had planned to see a movie after a longish chat, but ended up just talking, for over 3 1/2 hours... This wonderful, easy flowing, almost intimate conversation about our lives. It was the kind of conversation I can't imagine having with any of the straight guys I know.

Anyway, I could have steered the conversation to my great reveal at any time, but I realized, as I enjoyed this emotional connection with another human being, that I didn't have to hurry this process. And I felt that it wouldn't be right to just blurt this news out to my original young friend over the phone. I've known him as a friend for 5 years, and I think it would be unfair to tell his boyfriend first. Since my friend will be flying in before the end of February, I'm hoping to be able to see them together and tell them then.

I may be slow to face the truth about myself--a snail would beat me by a mile--but I'm a really quick learner in so many other ways. Just realizing that I can truly be me, that I can let myself be emotionally open and vulnerable without feeling exposed, that I can be that sensitive guy without caring what others may think or guess--that, right now, is so liberating and filled with joy, that I don't need to be in a rush to announce I'm gay. I'll tell those few people who are close to me when the time feels right, not out of fear or anxiety, but because, well, there are all these other things to talk about first.

And the other people, the less significant to me emotionally, I may never tell. And again, not out of fear, but because, in the end, as Richie says in his byline, "who cares?".

Sorry for the long answer to the short question. I just didn't know how to give a short answer, and I seem to be in a talking mood these days.

/Ed.