Well, the s**t has hit the fan. Or the rubber has met the road. Pick your metaphor. So I posted this on a new thread this afternoon... ---------- "I've had several careers in my life, and one of them was teaching secondary school. Not long before I retired from that, I taught a student who particularly impressed me with his insight and maturity. Several years later, we became FB friends and stayed in touch. He came out of his closet at 19 with as smooth a transition as anyone could hope for today, and that no one could have imagined when I was 19. He and I have kept in touch through his college career, meeting for coffee 2-3 times a year, and I greatly enjoyed our time together, watching a young man grow into his own with none of the issues of the generations before him. He'd never even heard of Stonewall or Anita Bryant. (Sorry, I'm showing my age--stories for another time.) I hadn't seen him for some time until a week ago, when he invited me to lunch with his family and new boyfriend (his second serious relationship). Anyway, here we all were, at his mom's house, he and his boyfriend sitting side by side, holding hands. Whenever one of them got up, he would touch the other, sliding a hand across the back, or just touching an arm. I was overcome (no exaggeration) with both the joy of seeing them together, accepted by family and friends as any other couple would want to be, and with the sadness that I had never had that intimacy with another man. And I want that. I need that. And so I knew--it was time for me." --------- OK. It's now a week later, I had lunch with a gay friend yesterday, and I'm scheduled to meet my friend's new boyfriend for coffee and a movie on Sunday. Just now, my wife asked whether we have any plans for the weekend, and I told her about the planned meetup. She went ballistic the way she always does. Dropped a full glass of water on the floor, poured herself another glass, went upstairs, and closed the door behind her in her work room. I'm not going to try to pry her out. I have my own issues to deal with for the next little bit. I told her about probably being gay a year ago, and told her I had no plans to act in any other way than to try to forge some emotional connections. I don't know myself even now if I will ever do more than that. But it's impossible to try to talk to her in this state, and the conversation, when it comes, may get very ugly. I've talked myself out onto this ledge, and there's no going back. And I'm terrified. I need some encouraging words about now... I don't see my therapist until next Tuesday, and I don't know what to do. And Skiff, I know... I give up. I am gay. I am strong. I hope. This will, I hope, be the toughest few days.
I wish you all the strength you need, all the peace you long for, and all the joy you deserve. Good luck!
Thank you. What an extraordinary combination of terror, vulnerability, and relief. I haven't let myself feel anything for so long, and now I may never be able stop feeling again.
It's a terrifying situation to find yourself in - having been there a few months ago - and to feel that things are disintegrating around you despite the fact that you wanted/initiated the change for something better/different. I have tried to grapple with the big things that matter to me and to my wife - our kids being one of them, the financial situation and giving her some reassurances, the fact that I'm not deserting her but want to stay supportive and so on. Despite the angst, we are trying to forge a new 'family' where I live apart but am still involved and part of their everyday lives to give them some stability and make sure our kids (and her) can maintain some semblance of normality. For me, it got to the stage where I simply couldn't hold it all back any more and having been kissed by a guy it simply just destroyed any illusion that I could deny my feelings for men any longer. Hearing your story, and reading your other thread StillAround, I am absolutely certain that the I would up feeling bitter resentment if I stayed with my wife and buried my feelings for the next 20 or 30 years. I don't want to be in the position where I am 60 or older and look back regretfully at a life that I did not live or experience. I hope that you find some clarity on the way ahead - this early part of the storm I found the hardest and the most confusing. My head was in complete turmoil and it was so hard to grasp on to something that I felt was stable and real. I went for LONG walks to just look around and think, and try and realise what I wanted and what was important. What is important isn't always what you want, and vice versa, but I tried to get the balance between them but at the same time trying not to sacrifice myself which would have been all to easy to do: stay, bury the feelings and live out my married life. But inside I knew that would be impossible to do with any real happiness or sense of fulfilment and, ultimately, truthfulness to myself.
StillAround, Yup, a sh@t hit the fan moment for you. Life is full of them. Keep in mind this has been all theoretical in your wife's mind till this point. It has been tangibly real your whole life. Add to that her own issues which are considerable and reality hitting home and the metaphor of the shattering glass slips into place. This moment will pass. If I was you I would avoid the ugly fight. Simply say; "You knew this was coming, I was honest about it. I have been open and have been trying to move you into therapy to avoid this crisis. I am almost 70 and I cannot wait any longer to act. It is my life too and I will not put my life on hold waiting for you to seek help." Then walk away, find an errand give her space. If you have a list of therapists/psychiatrists give it to her before you run the errand. This may be the crisis that brings her to seeking help. If you believe she will harm herself get somebody to arrive to be with her when you leave for the errand. If it is a friend (priest, pastor, minister) and you brief the friend beforehand all the better. It is fish or cut bait time so continue being strong. There will be more attempts by her to thwart you. Ignore them while continually putting self help resources before her but do not stop from moving forward on your path. Best analogy now is she is having a tantrum and will use her mental health issues as obstacles to you doing something she doesn't want. One thing you have experience with is childish behaviour. Treat it that way. Tantrums stop when children learn they don't work. So don't engage with her when she behaves badly. This too shall pass. Tom
Thanks for the responses and advice. I knew this moment was coming, but I had hoped to manage the process better. But I've always found that sort of control an illusion. I've left things alone for tonight. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow.
What is it that you are afraid of when it comes to your wife? It seems to me that she likes drama and making you feel guilty. But that seems to be it. I don't think she wants to confront you. It will have to be you who will do that when you want to make your "breathing room" a bit bigger. Which of course is pretty scary.
Having recently come out to my wife to whom I didn't think this would be a total suprise too, l truly empathize with what you're going through. My wife, however, is very grounded, but the s**t storm that got started is just as traumatic. If you'll excuse the expression, I never poke the bear in the cage. Things are calming down and our first considerations is our children. I hope we will remain friends when all of this is over. You're getting some great advice from some great people. Everyone here is very supportive and kind. You're showing great courage and restraint. You should be proud of yourself. This is not the easiest road to travel, but we're all traveling it together and even getting a few chuckles along the way.(*hug*)
