I have had a very disruptive energetic and overwhelmingly sad year. I was-- I thought content in a marriage of 14+ years. I have two children whom I adore. (I will preface by saying that when the next reveal came to light I wished they could be away at camp for 6 months or so bc I needed time to figure me out) I fell in love with a woman at work. Long story short-- I cheated I told my husband I told my immediate family and my closest friends... The reactions were mixed and often judgmental. I have not told my children and will not until my husband moves out-- the house we bought for him has closed and needs work before the physical separation is final. I consider us separated... As does he. He has a new gf who makes him happy and if we didn't live in the same house I would be more than ok with it... Although being consulted on date outfits is weird. Yes.. I answer honestly bc I am guilty for cheating... Did I mention I was raised catholic? We eat guilt with every meal. Anyway, I found this site and it offered me much insight.. Then I became busy and drifted. My gf meanwhile stopped working in my home state and there have only been brief visits between us for the last 5 months... Things have deteriorated. We have had arguments-- which have been mean and cut throat on both ends... I can admit here my outbursts cut deeper. I was cruel -intentionally hurtful-- I'm not sure why.. Do I blame her for the destruction of my family? Maybe. Although I say in all honesty-- it was I that pursued her. None of that really matters bc she cannot forgive and I cannot live my life replaying what an ass$&@" I am. So that's over. I know from everything I've read that this relationship I had was pretty much a destined flop, but I am heartbroken. At the end of the day I've admitted to myself(finally) that I am gay.. I love women.. I only want to be with women... But I've destroyed my family, my gf, my best friend hates me and most of my immediate family is uncomfortable conversing with me... And I haven't even told my kids yet so I fear things are only going to get worse. I'm being honest with myself-- great! But honestly, I'm not sure I can bear the cost.
Hey Lovetoski, At the moment, you probably only have people here at EC who understand what you're going through, and that's good enough for now. This is one of those valleys you just have to endure. People will judge, you will be seen by all those spectators in the arena you've chosen to enter...but the only way to deal with them is to know that you are not only surrounded by critics (who really will never fully understand), but also those who support you. Only you know how important it is to live as you are. So honor you: the person whose opinion is the only one that counts. Living with integrity means respecting yourself, and being able to look yourself in the mirror with pride instead of shame.
Polski-sister, the ear-worm for my year has become "Closing Time" by Semisonic. Semisonic - Closing Time - YouTube Why? Because I cling to the knowledge that "Every beginning comes from some other beginning's end." So every sad, stale, judgmental, rigid, conservative, holier-than-though or fair-weather door that closes represents another fresh, new, healthier beginning out there on my horizon, just waiting for me to find it. Sounds to me like it's time for you to start tallying up all those new beginnings awaiting you, too! Isn't it exciting? ---------- Post added 28th Jan 2014 at 10:44 PM ---------- Polski-sister, the ear-worm for my year has become "Closing Time" by Semisonic. Why? Because I cling to the knowledge that "Every beginning comes from some other beginning's end." So every sad, stale, judgmental, rigid, conservative, holier-than-though or fair-weather door that closes represents another fresh, new, healthier beginning out there on my horizon, just waiting for me to find it. Sounds to me like it's time for you to start tallying up all those new beginnings awaiting you, too! Isn't it exciting?
