What if it doesn't "get better"

Welcome BlueSky. 1st- Valentine's Day is a silly commercial day that causes too much stress & angst for both single people and those with a "Valentine".
2nd- 5'6 is not too short. Your not in the wrong city. There are gay people everywhere. Just do what your are doing and you'll meet someone who appreciates everything that you are and have to offer.

 

Hi Bluesky,

First off 5'6" isnt too short for me, im 5'10" and i actually like shorter guys.

Secondly, why the heck would someone have a problem with you being a doctor, especially with a stable schedule? That makes no sense. Your financially stable with a good job, those would be positives for me.

 

Hey BlueSkye, Welcome to EC!

You do indeed seem to be a catch! I've also become rather discouraged with the websites, had a really crappy date with a guy in Washington DC a few months ago through one of these sites.

One thing that has been important for me is building "the Family", that network that gay guys build over time with each other. There seems to be this pattern of networks that seems to yield some relationships. Do you think there are community (LGBT) organizations that you could join, or perhaps in your travels you could find your way to Provincetown, Palm Springs, Fort Lauderdale or other US locations where gay guys go?

 

This is an interesting paragraph. Did other gay men that you know have trouble finding dates when you were in the West Village or college?

How often do you do something social where you are around other gay men?

 

I had some similar thoughts while out hiking today: What if it doesn't get better?

I've meandered a lot of new and different pathways during my coming out journey, venturing onto trails unknown, pushing past my comfort zones, but still I don't have much to celebrate in the way of friendships or dates.

What if this is the heart of my journey, then?

My hike took me past a gnarled, yet quite magnificent, old cottonwood tree. I was awed by the resilience and character of this solitary tree out on the open plains -- battered by winds and snows and droughts and floods, still standing tall, making the best of the most trying conditions.

How do you manage it, Old Tree, year after year? Your scarred trunk and soaring branches tell of a lifetime's adventures. Are you content in your solitude?

I took some comfort from this tree today. It keeps surviving through good times and bad -- holding back when conditions are tough (but somehow not giving up), flourishing when conditions are fine.

I'm sure there's a lesson in there for us: we must continue to branch out and leave -- maybe someday soon someone will notice how awesome we are...

 

Hi,

First you are a catch, period.

I suspect like me you have been hurt in the past and you have thrown up emotional walls. You are on high alert, shields up, looking for and finding a flaw that automatically eliminates.

Some do it very well, and some take the other approach "all comers but I get close to nobody". It is an interesting dichotomy in the gay community. Whether they are hooking up like rabbits or being so fussy nobody is acceptable the emotional barriers of trust and vulnerability keep us emotionally isolated.

I see it in myself. My shields are up. I am sure there is an off button as I have met men where the chemistry is overwhelming but they are unavailable for various reasons (primarily already partnered).

You are not alone. Most of us are isolated and whether we exhibit it by being alone or having random, emotionless encounters the problem is the same. It is our limited ability to trust, to be vulnerable, to be open that keeps us isolated.

Don't fool yourself, this is not about others it is about self.

Just my opinion. 158 flavours of gay all based in vanilla.

We have to learn to drop the shields we use to protect ourselves that societal oppression built into us.

Tom

 

You are a catch and a half. I can't really add much in terms of advice. Don't loose hope. It may be like trying to have a baby. Try too hard and bupkis. Forget about it and relax and soon the stork arrives. I wish you the best, Sport. Momma would plotz if I came home with a doctor...if she were still alive.

 

I'm 6'4 and prefer shorter guys. So it's not your height believe me.

 

First, OP, when you move, you pick up some positive dynamics and inherit some negative dynamics. There is always a trade-off. I've lived in different cities and found this to be true. However, some are better fits.

I don't think moving is the solution. If you moved to a smaller overly conservative area, it could be worse. All large cities have larger gay communities, but there is, as you say, shallowness. That's par for the course when you have single attractive urban gay men with good jobs and disposable income. That also makes for people with their eye on the lookout for something else, hence revolving beds instead of revolving doors. You know how SF can be. I've heard it's even not that easy from straight friends who live or have lived there.

Your height is a non-issue. In college, the guy in my department who got checked out the most was about 5'7." Woof. I heard girls talk about him more so than the tall, typical collegiate types. He had a great face and a good body. Also, the age thing is crap ... sorry. When I was in undergrad, I rubbernecked for dark haired handsome suits in their 30s and 40s with no problem whatsoever. You are still young.

You did not really describe what you're looking for, either in physical or personality attributes. While you may paint a picture of receptiveness, you might be less so, deep down? After all, being a doctor, it's not like you will let just anyone into your life. If I may say so, what I found is that pre-med types started to split off from the others in undergrad, knowing that they would be traveling a different and challenging path. Also, through social media, I see that they frequent their own and that other schooled professionals don't seem that interesting to them, either because they don't have much in common or because the lower paid professional can't live the same lifestyle. Be honest about what you want and if there are limitations you're putting up. We don't know, but you know yourself.

Also, in a large city, there will be plenty of G and B men who are "non scene" that you could befriend and build a network of friends around. It seems like "when you're not looking ... " They could lead to something else. Even if you have a small group of friends, that could be great. And you can send them home at night if you ever get bored with them. Just kidding. However, it's a start.

Since there are "no guarantees," moving is not a solution, in my mind. I went through the phase of looking for the ideal place to live and moved around. I never found it. The scenery may change, but the person doesn't.

 

So I dated, had a crush on, even fell in love with a 5'6 doctor, who worked long hours, is 38.

It was a great match in many ways, except for differing interests in having kids.

Believe me, none of that's REALLY a barrier to finding Mr Right, or at least a guy who,ll be right for a while!

Not sure how rural or blue collar your area is, if that's a serious impediment to finding men similar to your ingests/ background.

Assuming it's not, finding ways to join groups with similar interests - and they exist for really every interest out there -- is good for your own well being, and that can only help make you even more attractive and put you in a place where you'll get exposure to potential dates.

To be blunt, if you want to meet guys, you need to make it a priority to socialize and get involved in groups, organizations, etc.

It'll happen - enjoy the journey!

 

That fashion designer from Costa Rica was a putz, and obviously has a few screws loose if not a number of issues. Don't take these guys seriously, they're not worth any mental processing time.

It is right and proper that a relationship does not exist to fix life's problems, it is very true, and the proper attitude to take when dating (it will happen, most assuredly). The moment you think you need a relationship is the moment you are willing to compromise with someone who is less than ideal. So my first comment would be: do not settle.

Two of Somerset Maugham's famous quotes apply here:

and:

I wish you all the best. Keep trying and keep an open mind, you never know when or where, but it will happen, I am sure!

 

dating closer to home is clearly a good idea, but don't rule out the long distance ones

a friend of mine in the UK get chatting to a guy in the USA. At first just a lot of chatting online, then visits and now they got together

 

Hi Bluesky, I understand your situation. I have been going to councelling over the last few weeks and have talked about a lot of the same things as you. I know I'm good looking, smart and a nice person but I haven't ever found someone to date, I'm talking noone. My councellor said a lot of finding someone is down to fate, I could go to meet up groups, move city to find someone, go online to find a date and not get anywhere. Then one day when I am least expecting anything to happen I will be standing in a department store or just walking down the street not thinking about anything when I could meet the love of my life.

I know its crappy to say you just have to wait to let fate decide, obviously go out and socialise, you will never meet anyone sitting at home, but don't walk around constantly thinking that person could be the one or is today the day I will meet someone. Just be open to the possibility of meeting someone, relax and be friendly to everyone you meet and one day someone will become a partner for you.

Hope this helps xxxxxxx

 

"Crippling loneliness" is such an apt description. I know the feeling. It seems compounded when you know you're getting out there, but things still aren't clicking the way you want. Frustrating...

Gotta keep making connections, though -- they may open unexpected possibilities. (Easier said than done, I know...)

I'd mentioned my loneliness to a coworker earlier this winter. Today, she quietly gave me a list: it was filled with suggestions about social apps, websites, and regional venues where I might be able to meet guys. She'd gotten these suggestions from a gay shopkeeper she knows. This was a totally unexpected gesture, and I was touched by my colleague's thoughtfulness for my well-being.

I've feared discussing my loneliness with too many people, but I'm beginning to realize that it's OK to reach out to others for support. You never know when they might help give you a gentle push in the right direction.

It's also a big help that spring is almost here -- winter's been tough on maintaining a positive attitude. I'm feeling a little more hopeful again now that the days are getting brighter and warmer.

 

Hey BlueSky,

Not only in the online world baffling, it is often interspersed with fraudulent posers. I've had to deal with three of them so far, it is very annoying.

Have a great vacation!