I am new here. My name is Max and I am as lost in my life now than I have ever been. I don’t know where or to who to turn to. I am seeking help and insight as much as I can. Here’s what’s going on with me. I am around 42 years old and divorcing a women I have been with for almost 20 years. I am starting to wonder if I am either bisexual or gay. Not because of my failed marriage, but because I am no longer ignoring how I feel. When I was with my wife, I enjoyed being with her, sexually. My feelings for sex with her was open minded as long as it was legal. These only enhanced that part of our marriage. The rest of our marriage failed because of other non-related issues. So I am now trying to figure out what these feelings I have mean. Am I attracted to men and want to be involved with them? If so, bi or gay level? I don’t know. I am so lost in all of this. I never had to deal with such issues before. There was a lot of hate towards the subject of sexuality with in the family I was raised with and my wife’s family. So this issue was a don’t talk about issue unless you wanted to get nailed. I also live in a mid size city in Southern California that is conservative. There is no real support I can find for sexual identity issues here beyond a very limited and quite youth LBGT support. I don’t fit into that age group or seem to be accepted by that support system. So now what? I want to know now what do I do. Where and what am I suppose to rebuild my life on. I have accepted my marriage is over and I am okay with being alone in my life as a person. My issue is the feeling I have. They confuse me alot. Who do I want to be with on a private level? Who do I want to have in my social life? And not? Am I attracted to guys? Yes. I am attracted to certain guys and have more than friends thoughts about them. However, it seems like I have the same with certain woman. On another site, I posted about all this and got a reply by someone saying that the only way I’ll find out if I like guys is to have sex with a guy and see if I enjoy it. If I do and still enjoy sex with women, I must be bi. And so on with this formula. I get that and the thought of having sex with a guy does not bother me at all. But like I said, I live in a very conservative city and I am not going to go crazy travel to have sex with a guy. Plus, before sex, there should be a relationship already established, right? I wish there was like a gay or bi social group in my area. That way I could at least explore it and see how I feel ( not use it to have sex ). See, I am confused. I hate who I was born to be. I have no clue to who that is or isn’t just that now, after marriage to a woman, I am confused and lost. Life just go so harder and I don’t know why it had to. Ugh!:bang:
Well there are many people here in a similar position to you who will be able to give you fantastic advice, I just wanted to say that piece of advice you got about the "only way you'll be able to see if you like guys is if you have sex with them"? Total nonsense. Being gay or bi means you're sexually attracted to the same sex, not that you have sex with them. So you're clearly at least bi already, there's no doubt about that. There's no "and so on with this formula", you don't have to have sex to find out your sexual orientation.
Max, I hear you. Four immediate suggestions: - Call a GLBT crisis hotline. They're everywhere. - Google is your friend. Search for "GLBT activities" in your geographic area. I'm pretty sure there's something close by (almost certainly within an hour's drive). Whether it's hiking, movies, potluck dinners, book clubs, whatever you can get into, there's something. And they're all welcoming groups. You don't have to have sex to figure it out. You just need to spend time with all kinds of people and see what, literally, tickles your fancy. - See a gay/bi-friendly therapist. Again, Google is your friend. Trust me, it will be worth it even if you have to drive some distance to see someone. - Finally, keep talking on this site. Start more threads. Comment on posts that resonate with you. I've been on this site for only 8 days, and it isn't possible to tell you how gentle, kind, accepting, even loving, the people here are. As anonymous as we all are to one another, we're a community of people committed to helping one another. I hope you keep up this conversation.
Max - I think you need to give yourself permission to "explore," rather than to "label" immediately. Since you acknowledge that you have feelings for guys, all that means is that you're not 100% straight. But whether you're "gay" or "bi" right now? That doesn't have to be settled immediately. There is so much consternation about labeling, because our culture denies two important facts: Sexual orientation is a continuum, and can also be fluid. The latter is especially troubling for many, because it can get tangled up with "gay-to-straight conversion therapy." Conversion therapy doesn't work, because sexual orientation cannot be changed. Those who appear to be "successful" fall into two categories: Bisexual people who marry the opposite sex and abstain from same-sex activity; or gay/lesbian people who deny themselves in order to marry the opposite sex and fit into a religious-conservative community. I don't believe there has ever been a case where someone truly changed their orientation. But because most people's orientations are not 100% absolute, this creates a misconception that some straight people "turn gay" or that some gay people "go straight." The reality is more complicated. What I wish we would be taught instead, rather than these labels and misconceptions: - Many species, including humans, exhibit both same-sex and opposite-sex behavior. - Sexual orientation is a continuum. Most people are not exclusively straight or gay. It just doesn't appear that way on the surface, because our culture seeks to reduce everything to a binary choice (such as straight/gay, male/female, Coke/Pepsi, Republican/Democrat, etc.). - Sexual attraction is an individual thing. Even people who label themselves straight sometimes have a rare same-sex attraction or experience. Many people who label themselves gay/lesbian have had experiences with the opposite sex. As such, these labels describe "most of the time" rather than "all the time." - If your attractions are fluid, it is not a moral failing. Those who say it is subscribe to dogmatic and controlling religions and are generally opposed to individual freedom.
