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I don't know how to cope

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by browneyedgirl, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. I've gone to see my doctor and he put me on anti-depressants. I have a history of depression and OCD and he asked me a few questions to make sure this was not my OCD acting up.

    I literally think I'm dying though or something. I was supposed to work over the weekend and I just couldn't get myself to get out of bed. I eat shit, literally, and I'm a nutritionist, but I don't care, my life is ruined.

    Now before you tell me that everything will be ok and I will get better, I need to clarify - ever since coming out to myself I have started to hate my children, my husband, my job, my gender, my lifestyle. I constantly think about running away and leaving everything behind - shaving my head 1st of course.

    I adored my job as well as my children. My life used to focus around these two things. However, I'd feel the pull to let these lesbian thoughts in and every time I did I'd get like this, so I would bury them. There's no running anymore...

    I know why I hate my life...my children because my marriage failed, I didn't want just children, I wanted a family, I just find them boring now, compared to the new life I want to live. My husband was always somewhat of an issue, but now things are far worse. My job, I just don't give a shit, it took up a lot of time and was a lifestyle - I worked out, ate well, worked on my business, now I'm just thinking about my new life. My gender, I have no idea, I see myself with a penis now and lifestyle - I was a business woman, mom, wife, did meditation, felt great, loved my life. I feel totally screwed and unable to manage.
     
  2. Penpal

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    Hi hon, are you talking to anyone about all this? Any friends or family? Sometimes it's easy to spend your life on here but there are people who know you and care for you that may be able to help. I know you said you would see a therapist I hope they don't make you wait too long. You are dealing with so much you need to get some time out. Spend some time with friends you can trust. Have some fun. Honestly I have been so shocked at the support of my friends. I haven't told my family and probably won't but I can be myself with the people I have told. I'm not saying it is easy but it has helped. You are being consumed by your confusion, you need to realise what ever you decide your children can be apart of it. It sounds to me like you are punishing yourself. It's not your fault and you and your children deserve you to be happy. Take care xxx
     
  3. Nick07

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    I would be surprised if you ever found a woman (a lover) who would find it sexy that you ran away from your small children. Shave your head and work on your issues one by one. And when you are ready, content and calm, you can start to think about leaving your husband. Before that you would hardly bring happiness to the new relationship.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. I don't know how to figure this out. It just seems like every time I connect with a woman I tend to become obsessed with them. My best friend included, I don't think I've ever had a best friend whom I don't cling onto. I could see myself with a woman in a long term relationship whom I don't have sex with...

    I have no idea how to figure any of this out. I don't know about this transexual thing, when I'm busy and I rethink about it, the whole idea seems ridiculous. It just seems like I get like this when I'm over thinking. I got a chance to play with my kids today and things were normal...I had tears in my eyes thinking about celebrating our 5 year anniversary together.

    I feel like part of this may be chalked up to having my oldest daughter pretty young and I wasn't able to explore as a teen is supposed to. I've always been super attached to my girl friends. I just never thought about kissing every single one of them like I do now.

    Sex with my husband is just annoying now since I think I'm gay. It was great before, now it's just plain uncomfortable.

    Maybe this lesbian thing is just something I need to get off my chest...
     
  5. Nick07

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    You know, I don't mean it badly, and I don't say I am right, but you mentioned OCD, and I believe you know how powerful a brain is.
    Consider that all those feelings are of that origin. Neglecting your kids is a something that happens when you are depressed. You are not the first one or the last one who experiece this. And it is indifferent what the reason of the depression is.
    Depression makes us think only about us - about our problems.
     
  6. Paul13

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    Browneyedgirl

    I know you feel like a failure now. Things are going to get better, but at a slow pace. There is not much that could be done about this. I sense that you want to just rid yourself of this horrible, terrifying thing that is happening to you.

    This is the time to be somewhat selfish and concentrate on what you want. It is just natural to become self absorbed for a period where one can't tolerate others problems as well. It may help to try and view your situation as that of getting a second chance, an opportunity not given to many others.

    I sense that you hate yourself at the moment, and you feel guilty about what you are doing to your loved ones. The boredom is probably a shield protecting you from too powerful emotions. It seems to me that you are someone that will handle the situation with integrity, which is the best way to handle this, both for yourself and those that are affected. Self hate and self destruction will not absolve you from what you feel you have done wrong. Acting with integrity, honestly and openly is more likely to lead to self forgiveness.
    There is no way that this process could be rushed, although that is what we long for.
     
    #6 Paul13, Jan 29, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2014
  7. Hey,
    I understand, I just can't stand the excitement feeling, it makes me feel crazy. I'm totally fine with the calm "I'm a lesbian" and that's ok. But the "I want to run away from my family and go out and party with lesbians" feeling is driving me nuts. I have an 18 month old who needs me, and every time I let that feeling take over my oldest daughter asks me why I don't love her anymore. That makes me feel horrible. I grew up with a distant mom and don't want the same for my kids.

    My therapist has told me many times that being a lesbian isn't all about fun - there are bills, problem, jobs, kids, life stuff, but I just don't hear anything she says...
    How do I get rid of this excitement???
     
  8. Paul13

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    So do you actually go out and party or is it just a feeling? I could imagine that you might feel a bit better or maybe worse if you do go out and party. That would mean attempting to control your horrible feelings, something we cannot really control. It has to be left alone to take its natural course. It is a bit like trying to steer a leave that's floating on a stream with a stick. The more you try to steer it, the more it tends to get stuck in the reeds or sink, slowing down the movement to where it should end up.
    Even if the leave gets stuck for a while, it will naturally takes it's course again.

    Good luck
     
    #8 Paul13, Jan 29, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2014
  9. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    I don't know what I can add here that is helpful, other than I've been depressed before.

    I can appreciate the need to run away from everything, and to almost crush everything that currently exists, into oblivion. Just don't do anything stupid/rash which you will later regret.

    The day will come when you will feel better. And as tempting it is now to throw everything out the window, you do have responsibilities. Changes won't happen overnight, but they will eventually. Have patience, and try and find some peace in yourself, now, in the midst of all the chaos and uncertainty, and desire to be your truest self.

    Much love.
     
  10. I used to go out and party when I was younger with my husband. This is just a feeling, a very distracting feeling...
     
  11. Paul13

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    And you are punishing yourself endlessly over a feeling! Stick with the feeling, don't try and steer it in another direction! No matter what you do, the feeling wii evolve at its own pace.

    It would also not be the end of the world to actually go to a party. Just remain authentic to your own values (as much as possible). If you cross that line momentarily, it is OK.

    I am preaching now, sorry about that.

    Paul
     
  12. OutWithBenjiBoi

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    Browneyedgirl:

    I couldn't figure out my sexual orientation until I figured out my gender orientation. My gay friends kept asking and asking me ... "don't you think you're a lesbian?" ... and I would violent object. The whole thought was repulsive.

    BUT ... (big but) ... it was repulsive because I absolutely could not see myself as a WOMAN loving another WOMAN. I'd spent a lifetime rejecting everything feminine. There was no way I could embrace womanhood -- even if it meant my salvation.

    I was covering a conference on Trans* identified youth (I'm a journalist) about 8 years ago and interviewed several Trans*men who were leading workshops. The scales fell off of my eyes: I LOVE WOMEN LIKE MEN LOVE WOMEN. I ran outside and called my friends. I was ECSTATIC for the next year.

    Once that gate opened, ALL of my other gates swung open and I was aligned (and free) for the first time in my life. I was 46 at the time, married to a man with two children, 15 and 12. I was sleeping in my basement, hadn't had sex with my H for 6 years, was fat, and on antidepressants. Now, I'm divorced from (but friends with) my exH. My children are well-adjusted, grown and happy. I've been living as a man for 7+ years both with Testosterone and without it. I've lost 90 lbs. I've exceled in my profession and am halfway through graduate school. And I'm legally married to a wonderful woman who -- even after nearly 7 years together -- makes my heart do backflips.

    Don't dismiss the gender/sexual orientation connection. It was the key for me.
     
    #12 OutWithBenjiBoi, Feb 4, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2014