Someone or something has a hand grasped onto my heart beating it away.... It feels awful.. Really horrible...
Richie, That is your hand! There comes a point when you realize the only thing holding you back is YOU. It has taken me only a year of wrestling with it and 54 years denying it to get to this point. But you know what... I am winning
Ritchie Please just stay with the discomfort, don't try and fight it. It does come in waves. Although it may feel that you got a raw deal in life, I believe that we now got a new chance in life. The energy, self acceptance and forgiveness will eventually come. The moments of excitement is what keeps me going at this stage. We will get there, alone or with someone special, but only later. Paul:eusa_clap
Paul13, that is how I am starting to think today. This is a second chance at living the life I should've done all those years ago. And, like you, the moments of excitement and anticipation about the future are what keep me moving forward. Had a good long talk with a friend this afternoon who put everything into perspective for me, so feeling a lot more positive about what the future could look like.
Richie, It definetly comes in waves. I was feeling so good about everything for about 2 weeks then for some reason yesterday I started to feel like crap again. It is a rollercoaster for sure, you just have to hang on for the ride. I think you are very brave Richie, you've come a long way in a short time. You even inspired me to change my username just as you did
When you think about it--maybe some of the roller coaster we end up feeling is actually emotions we never let ourselves feel in our teens and twenties. I don't know about anyone else, but I was a pretty tightly wound and generally very unemotional person from my teens on. Not surprising--I was monitoring every feeling, every gesture, every turn of phrase that would have put a target on my back. The feelings we experience as we make changes in our lives--coming out to people, moving out of our comfort zone or comfortable family life or comfortable home, integrating ourselves into the rest of the gay community--are going to be new, of course. But there's a whole emotional adolescence that we never really experienced, and when it hits, it will hit hard. There are days when it won't be pretty, and after holding back for decades, it may be hard to deal with. But it's growth, and progress, and learning. And none of us here are alone in it. We've all got each other.
Hang on Richie...I know just how you feel, but it ends...It ends...I get to tell my best friend tonight and I hope I don't lose him...My son and wife see him tomorrow...He's a dentist, the godfather to my youngest, and should have been my best man, except I chose a sailing buddy of mine when I was a little worse for alcohol...We're here cheering you on...we've been through it or are going through it...You're not unique...We're a team and we need you in the game...if skiff will let me borrow he's latest battle cry...LOST BOYS FOREVER!(&&&)
LOST BOYS FOREVER! I want you all to be my friends. The common threads of our life histories speak to me so clearly...
Just so you know, I told my 1st straight friend that I was gay and getting a divorce. Though deeply saddened, he was supportive of both my wife and me. He is a very orthodox Catholic, so I wasn't sure of his response. Not that the exchange was pleasent, but he didn't call me a sinner or a reprobate. He just said it was difficult to process. I told him no more so than for me. One more gate cleared.
It's still beating Richie. That's important. I don't know about you, but I made a conscious decision to live. I figured that a living gay would be better for my kids than a corpse. I saw those two choices clearly and evaluated them carefully. So, it's beating and that's a very good thing. I'm trying to enjoy the new sense of emotion. I've never been sadder in my life, but sadness is new and weirdly enjoyable. For a cyborg like me, any emotion is a step in the right direction. I suppose that the roller coaster ride is inevitable. Some of it is terrifying and some of it is exhilarating. I guess that's just the way it is.
Runner I agree, experiencing emotion to the fullest is certainly new to me after coming out. I think one should not avoid experiencing the negative emotions. If we block those emotions, one also blocks the ability to experience positive emotions. One cannot selectively block emotions, either good or bad. If you want to be fully alive, you must accept the good and the bad in this instance. At the same time, it is crucial not to get into a state of self pity while wallowing in utter sadness. Accepting the sadness and not fighting it, tend to change the emotional tone more to a kind of bittersweet which can be kinda nice. I think that is maybe what you are referring to. Love
