With the exception of a few friends, I have extracted myself from my community of friends, that have been like family in alot of ways. I did it because of not wanting to continue with all of the lies in my life, and not knowing how to be open and honest with them without telling them that I am gay. I just haven't been ready. I am still in the process of accepting... I also am angry. Angry as hell about the fake persona I created(that was straight) for the world around me. I didn't know I was doing it on the surface, so I don't feel like I was misleading them. I was miserable, however. That deep closeted existence of numbness and depression,etc).So there is alot of resentment that has nothing to do with them, but is just there. It's so effing tricky because part of me wishes I could send them a note saying that I am not abandoning them, I am just developing and trying to accept me. I guess I am sort of abandoning them in a way. I would just rather be happy than getting caught up in the old web of bullshit of making others happy. If I was an alcoholic I could say that I needed space to get sober, and rebuild my life. But I cannot tell them that I am doing it is because I have been lying to myself my whole life, and that I am gay. That is the ONE thing that feels so precious to me right now, and I am nurturing it and growing it. If I was fully accepting of it and I had kissed a guy,etc., then I would have that confidence to share more and be proud. Right now, I am not ready to do that. In the meantime, I have left people behind in the total dark who love me very much. I know that they would understand if I shared things with them. I am just not there yet. I also don't want to go back to my old life. Ugh. It would take so much work and I feel like I am changing so much that I have different needs and wants. Anyone else have any similar experiences with close friends or a community that they need to sidestep in order to graduate into an honest person? So many gay people have told me that I am still the same person, I am just changing my sexuality. I don't feel like that is true at all for myself. That identity I created was terrified of acting from honesty and instinct, instead I lived life in a way that just kind of accepted my surroundings and situations but wasn't doing anything that was coming from my heart. It was barely breathing. I am trying to find the real me and let him sing, and dismantle the created persona that was only there to protect me. I am thinking men who come out of the closet later in life create a separate person that has diverted from who they really are. If you accept yourself and truth earlier, and come out, then you don't have to keep feeding this fake persona which makes it more and more indecipherable from yourself.
Although I understand the advice you received... that you're still the same person. Maybe that's not quite true. For straight people, sexuality is often just part of their identity. If you're gay, it can consume so much of your sense of self. All of the elaborate hiding, self-hatred, and societal prejudices make our sexual orientation into something much larger and more important. So I think it's reasonable to say that you are a different person. Maybe I can make an analogy. Sometimes people who undergo weight loss surgery struggle with their identities after losing so much weight. For years, they faced self-hatred and probable prejudice from others about their weight. When the weight is gone, they're not quite sure who they are anymore. It's not an all-or-nothing situation. You still have some parts of your personality that will remain pervasive. Maybe that means your likes, dislikes, your family background, ethnic and religious heritage. And about your friends, your initial question/concern: Although it's hard to say from here, but I often think it's worth giving them some credit. As my little sister wisely told me recently: it's not 1986. Many straight people have a tremendous capacity to be genuine, kind friends. As agonizing it seems, this "family" may actually consist of some loving allies. One of the nicer things about growing older is that straight friends and acquaintances are far less damning or judgmental. But let's say that you do indeed need to distance yourself. I think it's reasonable to say, "I need some space; I'm going through a rough time, but I'll be back." Although that's likely to bring about some concerned emails and phone calls, you have no obligation to explain further. I would encourage you to try coming out instead, but we all know that's far easier said than done. Your anger is understandable, and it sounds like a function of grief. It's painful for me think of you as angry at yourself for being in the closet. You had no avarice, no will to hurt anyone; you were just keeping a secret. We've all done it, and it's one of the frustrating parts of being gay. But you didn't wake up in the morning and ask, "How can I deceive others today?" Your actions were a form of protecting yourself and others. I hope that you can let yourself off the hook. As you speak of finding the "real you," I always feel like that's something that is always evolving and transforming. Perhaps you can gain a greater sense of self-actualization by living in the present. Instead of searching for the "real" you, I hope you can recognize that you're real right now.
hard-hitting post. A couple of bits of advice from someone who has been through the same thought process; - Stick around EC / internet support groups, but don't let them consume you. The human mind has a remarkable capacity for endless self-absorbtion and introspection. Keep it in Check. Go out and experience life. Throw caution to the wind in a way you've never allowed yourself to do before. Live life, don't waste your life thinking about living life. - Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater re: distancing yourself from family/friends. Let people make their own minds up, and give people more credit. Don't project your feelings of living a lie/deceiving those closest to you onto them. You may be surprised that they won't see it that way. good luck!
Sometimes it is easier to develop a "second circle" of friends with whom you can be your authentic self, until you are comfortable with the "new you" or the "real you", and then go back and reclaim the friends you want to bring forward into that new circle, as you discard the ones who only cared for the fake you whom you were portraying. There is nothing wrong with doing it this way if your ultimate goal is to achieve peace and integrity as the person you were meant to be. Do it if it works for you.
Hi, I don't think there will be a new me. I believe Tom ver. 1.0.0 will always be there. Only difference is I will allow my true sexuality show. No changes in morals, personality, likes/dislikes. Well I suppose I will be more courageous and confident. I have seen guys adopt things that were not them but in time they abandon these things. I see no major changes, I simply date guys. The rest is all noise in my head which will pass. Tom
I distanced myself from some of my established friends for months. I reconnected when I was ready to come out to them. There are still a handful with whom I haven't circled back yet. I needed that time and distance from them to get comfortable with myself. I was particularly concerned about one friend but she was amazing. She's so happy for me. And she's a conservative, Christian, republican from south Georgia. People might surprise you if you take the risk of being real with them.
Living in the present simplifies everything. Thanks for the reminder. It's not that I don't trust my friends to be supportive of me being gay that I am worried about. My friends are extremely open-minded adults, whom I have no doubts about their willingness to be loving and supportive. I am just not ready. It is not their fault that I was so repressed for so long, or that I was deeply closeted. It's just that I am still dealing with that gradual process of accepting myself and not being so fearful about who I am. I haven't even kissed a guy yet. I actually told 2 of the 4 people from my former band. One was when I was in a drunk moment at our last show. The other was on a separate occasion. One of the guys I told, who is a beautiful person, told me that he feels like he is lying to the others when they sit around and try to figure out what happened to me and why did I disappear and need space. He is also very hurt that I disappeared from his life. I feel bad for putting him in an uncomfortable position. I know it must suck. I didn't know what I was doing, and I forgive myself for that. This is all new to me. But I cannot tell the other 2 just so he will feel better if I am not ready. So I avoid the situation all together, because I feel like I don't want to go and appease people, like I always do. I never stand up for myself...because I never knew whom I was sticking up for. I didn't love myself enough. Now Im becoming protective of myself to make sure that I don't sabotage my development towards acceptance of being gay, and get sucked into a cycle of giving myself away. I am getting stronger, but one thing at a time. I guess there is no easy answer to this. I am making decisions that are probably hurting people because they don't know what I am going through. I am living as honestly as I know how, and that is easier with a cleaner slate away from the lies and deception that filled my life before. It would be alot of work to create new relationships with these old friends. Right now, my focus is on me.
Funny you are isolating now. I isolated while married for EVERY male friend I ever had ended up being gay, so I avoided male friends while married.
I hear that. My focus is on me, too. But that focus, for me, is about testing my new reality in the world I inhabit at this moment. I don't know much about your circumstances. But I can tell you I also haven't even kissed a guy yet. (and, I mean, look at my age, will ya?). But it doesn't seem to me to be about creating new relationships. For me, it's more about maintaining existing relationships with a new piece of information. We're not different people--we're just giving others a little more, albeit pretty significant, information. I don't mean this in a critical way. I've never before found such a loving community as the one here on EC, and all I ever hope to do is return that love. Just trying to offer a perspective... For all of the commonalities of our situations here, I know each of our situations is unique. I wish you only the best.
did you know you were attracted to men or gay when you were avoiding men? I never avoided my guy friends, cause I didn't ever let myself consider that I was gay. The first time I saw one of my close guy friends as attractive to me, I was totally floored and terrified. It was shocking. I still fluctuate between seeing the world without that repressed filter. I'm getting more comfortable at not hiding. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2014 at 07:18 PM ---------- I still get caught up in "performing" as a straight person for the straight, male friends that I have told I am gay. For me, It's not new information to share as much as a totally new experience when being around them. It feels like the world goes upside down when I let myself go unfiltered, and so in order for me to navigate through this situation, I go into a controlling state of mind. If it was just information then that would mean that I have pretty much accepted that I am gay on a mind/body level. Im still inching my way to the light.... I feel like if I shared the information that I was gay with them, then I would just run right back in the closet and keep inching forward(but now with the knowledge that I told more people I was gay before I felt comfortable in the light). Does that make sense? Maybe I am just contriving this to enable my fear. But I am also making progress in moving forwards, so I don't feel like I am really doing that too much. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2014 at 07:20 PM ----------
Been there. Done that. Don't worry about it. Stellar, I understand better now. I said in an earlier post somewhere, that although I was clearly slow in accepting this basic truth about myself (I mean, really, 69 effing years old). I'm a really quick learner. What I mean, I think, is that my sexuality has been hidden behind this dam of my own making. It took a long time to fill the reservoir behind that dam, to go beyond the safety factor built into its structure. So when that dam burst, just under two weeks ago, it was beyond reconstruction. The water has rushed downstream, and all that's left is rubble (and now I need to clean that up)--I'm beginning to understand why so many here speak in metaphors. I don't think you're conniving to enable your fear. I think, rather, that your fear is just too strong right now to do anything else. I don't think that's a bad thing. As I've said in several places already, survival is a basic primal instinct, and we'll all do what we need to do to survive. You'll get past this; you've already gotten past so much. But your friends didn't love you because you were straight; they loved you because you were you. Unless they're homophobes, which I suspect they aren't, I think they'll just be so relieved that you don't want to throw away or devalue their friendship. And I agree that you should come out when you're doing it for you, not because you're doing it for someone else. And when you're finally comfortable with that person who's been living inside you all your life, you will be doing it for you, not just for them. But friendship is a funny thing. Sometimes you just do things for yourself and for others at the same time. Now that, I think, is real friendship. When you're ready, you'll share yourself. In the meantime, try to be kind, to yourself and to the people you love. OK. I'm done. I do hope I haven't offended you in any way. /Ed.
no offense at all. I really appreciate your insight. I'm reminded of turning over a rock when I was little, and finding ants everywhere and being kind of repulsed and scared at first. it made me fearful to turn over other rocks. Like looking at old relationships and being fearful of what I will uncover about myself, or just afraid of hurting someone by being honest. This is new territory.
wow you've gotten alot of replies. I am just accepting a life of being married (3 times) unhappily and finally coming to grips with the fact that I prefer women. I have been going to counseling which has helped alot. I am actually in the process of an ugly divorce. One thing I have learned in all my years (I am 53) is that I WANT to be HAPPY! I have always done for others and now it's my turn! Accept who you are and be strong. You may be surprised at how many people support you. The people that don't you don't want in your life anyway...goodluck
