A lot of us are really struggling with this roller coaster ride and feeling horrible most of the time in the aftermath of coming out. I would like to hear any comments on how long this could be expected to last. Of course each individual will need their own time to feel better, but I am interested to hear from those that have gotten better. Was it just the advance of time that gave you the chance to heal, or was it related to finding new love? How long/ if one should try not to get into a new relationship after separating from your spouse? I suppose I need to get some idea on what to possibly expect, and to be prepared.
Hi, Very different and no average you can apply. How hard are you working: therapist, group therapy, talking openly, gay social groups, meditation, gay events, etc? This is your journey and you can dawddle or race (missing things). Steady progress with temporary setbacks would seem prudent with no regard to time being best. Very individual journey. I have never felt horrible aboutbeing gay. No shame in "gay" for me. I simply feared oppression and rejection. Tom
Hey Paul13, I suppose there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who climb a ladder while looking down, and those who climb that same ladder looking up. Looking down is scary, you realize just how high you are off the ground (that old, familiar, safe ground). Looking up however, keeps you focused on where you want to be. Climbing a ladder takes effort, it's scary, and sometimes your foots slips on one of the rungs...but once you get to the top...the view is magnificent!
Great analogy as always great whale. I have found that as time goes the horrible feeling has dissipated a little. There are days when I feel fine but then are are days I feel horrible, but the horrible days don't last as long as they used to
My therapist says that it is like grieving an loss...ups, downs, hopes, depairs...for both of you, but you" approaching it with different lenses.re
I believe that it's impossible to average the time of the healing process, but I would love to know a number too. I'm at 13 months since coming out, 7 months since the divorce was final, 5 months since my ex and daughter moved out, and 1 month since I've moved into my apt and living alone for the first time in almost 25 years. Just writing that makes me realize how fresh this still is. Today was ok. I got to talk to some friends and just hang out, yesterday I came unglued and saw nothing but despair and hopelessness. Overall, I'd say that the desperate days aren't quite as bad as they were, nor are they as frequent. Maybe I should start a spreadsheet and collect data. Then I can offer one guy's average grief time.
Hearing everyone's stories, I'm not even sure there is *one* healing process about which to ask for the timeline. How long does it take you to stop feeling like shit about having hid from your spouse? How long does it take you to stop feeling like shit about having hid from yourself? How long does it take you to stop feeling like shit about all those times you never had? How long does it take.... I could go on, but I was getting depressed there...and I feared causing depression in others. But hopefully you get my point. Not all of those apply to every person...and for the ones that do apply, the time is different for each person, and for each issue. My experience with all these kinds of pain though is that you're deep inside it, it sucks, it completely sucks and feels like it will never get better, and then...all of a sudden one day you realize that it's actually been quite a while since your last crying jag, and you actually feel ok. That's the meaning of "it'll be over before you know it." Hopefully that can be an encouraging thought.
