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Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by neverusedtobe, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. neverusedtobe

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    Hello everyone,

    I need some advise and direction from learned people.

    I never ever used to feel like this. I used to worry about being gay but never used to get feelings in my penis like this. I am 29 and have just moved into a house with my fiance.

    An older male at work has been being sexually suggestive towards me telling me things like "people can turn gay in prison you know" and then proceeded to attack me in this way. He also started staring at my crotch repeatedly and sat next to me flicking his foot towards my crotch. Something clicked in my head and i started to get erotic feelings in my penis. These were not attached to anything at first... these feelings persisted in my penis for a bout a month. Then a colleague sat down next to me and I got an enormous twinge in my penis. Now everytime a guy walks by with a bum my penis gets these tingly feelings. I wake up in the morning with erections about men, i have gay dreams.

    I never ever ever ever used to get these feelings. What the hell has happened to me.

    I used to have enjoyable sex with women, had many relationships and never had a gay feeling like this. I was sexually abused as a child I used to uncormfortable feelings when peoples crotches used to come near my face due to the nature of the abuse, but apart from that nothing.

    Regards,

    Neverusedtobe
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey neverusedtobe, welcome to EC!

    Where to begin?? You're having feelings, physical feelings for men. The only question is what are you going to do about it?

    You were violated as a child, your boundaries were violated so something important was killed in you, or perhaps put in suspended animation, and suddenly here it is, something so deeply repressed has reappeared.

    You have a fiancée...well, what you need most now is space, some time alone to work this out, preferably with a competent therapist, but here on EC as well... otherwise you may find yourself walking into a marriage quite unconsciously. It's the unconsciousness that leads to disaster (check out our Later in Life section for some horror stories).

    I wish you all the best on this adventure of self-discovery!
     
  3. neverusedtobe

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    What sort of horror stories are you on about?

    I'm really sure if this thing at work had never happened that I would have continued to be happy in my relationship. The sex with my fiance is now none existent as I cant get aroused anymore.

    Is there any chance that these physical feelings could go away? and I could return back to normal. Or am I stuck and need to just move on with my life?
     
  4. greatwhale

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    The horror stories of gay persons marrying heterosexuals, of course.

    If this thing hadn't happened at work, it would probably have happened elsewhere. Your sexual problem with your fiancée is a symptom, and you should honour it as something important to consider.

    There's always a chance that they will "go away" or that you could go back to "normal", whatever that means.

    No one can answer for you whether you are stuck or need to move on. You need to do the work yourself; you need to take the time to figure this out and explore just what it is that you desire.
     
  5. neverusedtobe

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    I loved her and sex used to be great. I always wanted a family, and its what I really want but I dont think that its going to happen now. Just in a right crappy mess with the house now as we have just bought it together.

    The idea of being in a relationship with another man seems to make me feel happy now. Whereas I never considered it before. The Idea of intercourse is a scary one.

    I don't know, maybe its anxiety or something. I don't know. I don't think I would be happy being gay in the long run, I couldnt see it lasting the distance as all I want is a relationship for life. The idea of adoption would be great or surragacy.

    I just never ever wanted to be gay and it's killing me.

    I think I have come to the conclusion I am gay otherwise I wouldn't be getting these feelings surely. Its just so confusing.

    Regards

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 04:00 AM ----------

    Please respond :slight_smile:
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Sorry, just took a shower, early morning for me :slight_smile:

    Don't conclude anything until you've taken the time to seriously consider this!

    No one "wants" to be gay, or more precisely: to be "different". Don't worry about the house, don't worry about long-term vs. short-term relationships, don't worry about whether sex with a man will be good or not.

    The only thing that matters, that really matters at this moment is whether you will live with integrity and be yourself.

    Everything else will follow as it must. Including acceptance of who you are. But please take the time you need to do this properly.
     
  7. skiff

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    Hello and welcome,

    If you are gay you have always been gay. The violation GW speaks of is what society, family, culture, theology and religion did to you which triggered your DENIAL of "self" and forced you to repress your natural sexuality.

    The denial is simply wearing thin. This work friend did not cause this. It has always been there, you fought it, you denied it, you hid it but you can never win this battle.

    This is not a loss, it is a victory of SELF.

    you are at a crossroads. One road leadsto possible happiness being gay, the other road leads to lies, self deceception, denial. long slow misery pretending you are not gay.

    I was 34 when I chose the wrong path and denied the expression of my natural sexuality. Took til I was 53 to fix it. Lost many years of happiness fighting myself.

    That is the violation society thrusts ion many gays.

    Learn from our mistakes.
     
    #7 skiff, Jan 31, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2014
  8. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Everyone's experience will differ. For me, the issue was I knew from fairly young that I was attracted to boys not girls. I was raised in a southern baptist, fundamentalist family. No drinking, smoking, dancing. Being gay was literally the kiss of death... either renounce same-sex attraction or you were condemned by God, your church and your family.

    In college I was confronted with being forced to choose between a man I cared for and being rejected by my family (by that point I had extricated myself from the church) or trying to convince myself I could play by their rules about how I should live.

    I chose poorly. After I came out to my family, I was psychologically and emotionally unprepared for the demands placed on me. Being 18, living at home and feeling completely dependent on their support to get an education to move on with my life, I felt trapped and chose to go along to get along, putting their feelings far above my own.

    I ended up meeting a woman whom I felt I could make a go at being a straight husband, we got married, bought a house, got a couple dogs, and have 2 kids. At no point did I ever consider myself straight, but I wanted to be normal. I finally began to deal with the fact that no matter how many walls I build around my closet, I am still a gay man. Now I am faced with how to unravel the deceptions about who I reall am, and face the consequences of the hurt I will inflict on my wife and kids when I finally have the strength and courage to come clean with them.

    So my advice for you at this point: you already bought a house together so you are financially attached regardless of how your romantic relationship develops or devolves. How far out is your wedding plans? It would be far better to do the serious work now, before progressing the wedding plans, to find out who you are. This is not an easy road, facing your same-sex attraction, but you owe it to yourself as much as your fiancee to know those answers before you say "i do" because if you can't honestly say to yourself that you are a complete person having a wife instead of a husband, then I wouldn't do it.

    as for your ideal of having a family, there is no reason you cannot have children and be gay. You can adopt, have a surrogate, be a foster parent. There are so many kids that have been thrown away that need and deserve a loving family, fortunately these days it is becoming more AMD more viable for them to be adopted by gay parents.

    Bottom line, it's time to slow down and take a step back. Breathe. I know how overwhelming it feels for you right now, I felt the same way 6 months ago. Find someone you trust to talk to face-to-face, whether a friend or counselor. Use the resources here at EC, I've been here just a few days and have actually slept two nights in a row! Not great sleep, but anything is better after only having short naps all night since last summer, if I would even sleep at all.
     
  9. Yossarian

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    Your confusion and lack of interest of having sex with your fiancé is a big bright warning sign that you should not proceed into marriage to her until you get this resolved. You may have been drawn into the relationship with her to avoid issues that you have repressed very deeply from your past, which the "crotch incident" has simply brought out of hiding. Buying a house together is only the first example of the kind of financial entanglements you get into when you marry someone. The real entanglements are having children together, which are difficult to UNtangle for several decades. You should probably seek active help from a good therapist before deciding how you want to proceed; there are a lot of potential problems you can avoid by getting these issues resolved sooner rather than later, and definitely before marriage.
     
  10. neverusedtobe

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    I used to consider myself a heterosexual though. I used to enjoy sex with women. It used to be hot.......................... :S :S :S :S :S

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 05:24 AM ----------

    used to watch straight porn and not even notice the man and used to focus on the woman in the porn. :S

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 05:25 AM ----------

    I never used to get ANY sexual feelings for men. Not even slightly in my nether regions.

    Please can you tell me what this means.
     
  11. Richie.

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    It means, whatever you want it to mean. Just be honest with yourself.

    I've had sex with women and enjoyed it... But don't class myself as heterosexual. There is a reason you stumbled upon this site. I know there was for me and many others. No one can tell you who you find attractive and why, only you can..

    One thing to consider, is these thoughts aren't going to kill you, just accept them. You don't need to make any hasty decisions, just take a deep breathe and breath. It's ok to feel however you feel.

    (((Hugs)))
     
  12. neverusedtobe

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    How did your wife cope with being told?

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 05:43 AM ----------

    I really dont enjoy walking around feeling like in my nether regions when guys are walking about. It feels uncomfortable.
     
  13. Richie.

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    That is the biggie.. We all worry about this upon anything else. Shell shocked./traumatised.. But if she loves you she will eventually understand that you deserve to be happy like everyone else.

    People compare it to the five stages of death... This was true in my case. I also compared to a storm.. You have the storm, then the wreckage.. Eventually it will be cleaned up...

    Everyone is different though, and different wives react differently. I didn't want to tell my wife I just wanted to leave and maybe tell her down the line when she needed to know... But that was more traumatic because my wife was left wondering.. And making her own stories up like affairs another woman etc etc...

    I googled straight spouses and found that partners of gay people majority said they just wished their gay partners would of just told them.. So I did. Personally I think telling them straight is the best way.. Yet the most difficult.

    Whatever you decide and whenever you decide to make the decision that suits you best, know your not alone.

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 05:54 AM ----------

    Also, if you constantly have an erection maybe you should masturbate more often :slight_smile:. Helps me :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. neverusedtobe

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    I feel alone mate tbh, when all these feelings first came up I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. I feel terrible for what I have done to Vicky. I love her so god damn much and it breaks my heart like you wouldnt believe. Its going to destroy her if I seriously am gay. I hate myself for getting in this mess. I really love her. Like really really really love her. Just the feelings i had for her are gone and they are for men.

    I'm crying as I'm typing this.

    I just want it back with my mrs so bad. Like the last 5 months just never happened.

    Regards,
     
  15. Richie.

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    Have you thought about counselling? Might help you process some of these thoughts. These thoughts you are feeling not wanting to hurt your missus etc.. I totally get. Not one of us wanted to think these things yet so many of us do.
     
  16. bingostring

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    Take a deep breath! These things need thinking about. Don't be in a panic for an instant solution. There are various options for you and they need chewing over..
     
  17. neverusedtobe

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    what are the various options my friend?
     
  18. neverusedtobe

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    Richie8109 - I dont get erections all the time mate :slight_smile: just an uncomfortable feeling!
     
  19. BlueSky224

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    neverusedtobe,
    This is may so strange to you, but I think your experience is actually good. It's a challenge, an unexpected turn of events of your life. No matter what happens, you will be a stronger, wiser person because you've taken time to ask questions about your sexuality. Many people never get to that point.

    There is no test to see if you're gay or bisexual. It's just something that one discovers over time. In this case, you were insightful enough to recognize that you get aroused by thoughts of men, and that you feel like you want to be with them. This is just a realization; you didn't do anything wrong.

    Situations and journeys like your own happen every day; so I hope you can recognize that you're not alone.

    Your coworker was astoundingly out of line, and could have lost his job. Above all, I'm saddened to hear that you were abused as a kid. As awful as these experiences were, they didn't affect your sexual orientation. There isn't a link between unwanted advances or childhood abuse and homosexuality or bisexuality.

    My advice is twofold: talking on this board can be helpful and reassuring. There are a lot of kind, thoughtful guys here, all willing to be here for you.

    But, if possible, I think it would be worthwhile to chat one-on-one with a therapist. This takes caution and patience. First you have to find someone who takes your insurance (assuming you have insurance), then you need to do your homework. Does this person have a license, a masters or doctorate from an accredited institution? Look on his or her web site? Is it someone who mentions a strong religious affiliation? If you can find someone who is going to be objective and sensitive, he or she can make your life a lot easier.

    If you're unsure, you may consider talking with your primary care provider first, also assuming that you have one and that it's someone you feel comfortable.

    I'm not saying that you need medication or anything elaborate; but a caring professional in your life can be really helpful.

    I'm glad that you came and posted here. Although everyone has a different experience, all of us can relate to you in one way or another, and we welcome your posts and questions.

    So here is an electronic hug or pat on the back. Things have a way of working out.
     
  20. neverusedtobe

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    I just feel like if this thing at work had never have happened, i would have been still happy with my mrs. It sucks, it really sucks