I thought that my biggest fear of figuring out if I am bisexual or gay would be the judgments I would get from those in my personal if ( or when ) they should find out that I am not straight. But the more I discover who I am and am not, this is not my biggest fear. A close second, but there is a bigger fear of being bi or gay that I worry about. I fear allowing myself to get used and played in love. Like lust versus love. Given I am still very much in the discovery sage of my sexuality, I fear that I will mistaken my sexual attraction for someone as love when it really is lust. That I will get involved with someone thinking I am or they are in love and then it turns out to be just a sexual thing like lust. I am not okay with this at all. I have no problems with having sex or discovery new things about sex, like with a man, but I am not in it for sex. I don’t want any personal relationship with someone I get involved with to be solely based on having sex. That feels so empty to me and makes me feel used. Like a slut or tool. That is not what I want and fear my ignorance to same sex relationships will cause me to be blind. That I will give myself to someone thinking it’s love when it’s only a sexual need, by me or them. If you don’t love me outside of bed ( having sex with me ) than don’t take me to bed. The same thing applies to me when it comes to being with someone. I have a lot to learn still about who I am and what my feelings really are. I am okay with this and taking my time. I just fear my ignorance will result in something that will get me hurt or someone else hurt. The more I learn and discover, the more this fear seems to be than the fear of others knowing that I am not straight. Is this even remotely normal in all of this? ( I wish I could just be straight. Life was so much easier to understand and deal with then. Why did I have to have feelings and attractions towards men? ):eusa_doh::eusa_doh::eusa_doh:
Hi Max, I don't want to minimize what you're feeling here, but it seems to me that your greatest fear of being gay/bi is dealing with the reality that practically every straight woman, and probably most bi women deal with...the reality that many men only want sex, rather than commitment, and are willing to use what and who they need in order to get it. Fear of putting your love out there, taking that chance and being used. It's a legitimate concern, absolutely (although you don't run the risk of ending up a single mother or having a ruined reputation if you are taken advantage of)...but it's one people learn to live with all the time. Part of straight male privilege is that the societal roles and tendencies of men and women play to their favor. You've benefited from that privilege for years. Welcome to the other side of privilege.
biAnnika, You are absolutely right. I am scared of men just wanting sex from me. I am more than just here on this planet for sex. If I should get involved with a man ( or even a woman ) I want them to actually love me. A commitment of their love as I would give it to them. Given I don't know any bi or gay men directly, I still am sacred of sex only is what I will get. Thanks. You hit this on the head!!!
Hi Max, It's really good that you know that you are deserving of love whether that is from a man or a woman you are doing the right thing by not just jumping into sex. It is so hard being on your own and exploring your sexuality. There are so many people here who can support you through whatever decision you make with your life.
Oh, Max (Can I call you Max?) I agree with all the comments above. I'm 69 and have never been intimate with a guy. Would I like to know the intimacy of sex with another guy, even at my age? Sure. But is that the most important thing in my bucket list? (Do you know that reference--the list of things one wants to do before our time on Earth is up?) No way! At the top of my bucket list is having emotional intimacy with another guy--the freedom to share my life story with, to be with without judgement, to be truly known as the person I am. I want to lie on a couch with a man with whom I feel that connection, to caress his face, to run my fingers through his hair and feel him, and to have that reciprocated. To sit in silence with him, where the silence speaks volumes about our ease with each other. Is that all I want? I don't think so. But what might come next will come from that place of emotional security, and not otherwise. You are not alone. Rest here a while, and talk to us. We're all here for you. And while we can't provide a physical connection, we can provide emotional connection. This is what we all do with and for each other. This is such a safe place!
Maxwell, Welcome to the human condition. We are social animals, we love acceptance and fear rejection. Sexuality simply adds another layer of complexity. Everyone here fears emotional rejection, fears being "used" as that is tantamount or worse than being rejected. You suffer a terrible condition "perfectly normal". Tom
Oh Max, no, this is NOT what it's ALL about! This is the hard part--what I think skiff is saying when he notes that it gets easier with self-acceptance. You just have to work through this and figure yourself out, know yourself well-enough to know what you want, be comfortable enough to be open about it and confident enough to express what you feel. Then the good part starts. Just keep talking here. Jump into threads. Speak from your heart. And trust us--we're all trying to be true to ourselves. We won't bite...
