I am 23 years old and I have recently decided to allow myself to really feel my feelings (if that makes sense). I had been so self-homophobic and now I am just trying to explore what I feel. Off the bat, I have known for years that I am not "attracted" to men even though I had boyfriends. I know that I am attracted to women, but I also don't want to jump into this. I guess my question is how do I go about exploring my feelings? I don't have any lesbian friends. I feel comfortable talking to my older sister, but she honestly doesn't know how to respond. Since I have been "questioning" I have found myself flirting with a few different girls who I think are lesbian, but I honestly don't know. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Hey shantaram, welcome to EC! If you want to explore your feelings, you need a place apart, somewhere hidden, either in place or in time, so that you can learn what your desires and longings are. The idea of a "secret garden" is a powerful one in myth and poetry. Take the time some where or some when that has boundaries, to learn how to love, to learn what you love and to develop the love you must have for yourself before you attempt to love someone else. This exploration is fragile, and needs time.
If part of this includes being comfortable yourself with your orientation, and overcoming your feelings of internalized homophobia, then attending support groups like PFLAG might be something to consider. And of course finding a therapist or counsellor is also helpful. Their unbiased, professional opinion can be very helpful - and you don't need to worry about making them uncomfortable as you might your sister.
Hi. I am currently dealing with internalized homophobia and have decided I need my own space. Unfortunately this means me moving out of my home, leaving my wife and baby boy. This is so tough, but I must do this.
