I went to a counselling session yesterday afternoon and talked for almost the whole hour until my counsellor (who I think is really good at her job) had to stop me talking and say the session is over. She was listening to me talk so didn't notice the time had run out so that was why the session ended a bit abruptly. The session brought up a lot of difficult emotions for me, like my parents openly admitting that I am a disappointment to them, and I spent the rest of the evening crying and being extremely distressed and having suicidal thoughts. I know a lot of people on this site are lonely and distressed and I keep trying to tell myself that I have nothing to complain about in my life, so many people have way worse problems than me. But I spend so much time by myself constantly in my head thinking things over and over again. This is one of the only places I have to talk about how I feel. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just gave up on everything. :icon_sad:
No Molly, It would definitely not be easier just giving up, you know that is not the answer to anything. All it takes is one unkind word, one 5-minute violation of your sense of self to affect you for the rest of your life. Our inner warrior, the one that protects us from these insults is still undeveloped when we're young, our parents are supposed to honour the sanctity of our sense of self but too many invade that space, willy-nilly, not knowing what terrible damage they do. Examine the meaning of shame, the definition of which is that somehow you aren't good enough. Look up Brené Brown's TED talks on vulnerability and shame, you might learn something important about these two concepts and how to deal with them.
Hi Molly. Have you told your councillor you have suicidal thoughts? I've had feelings similar. How long have you been out to everyone? ((((Molly)))) bigs hugs, you're in good company here!
Hi Molly! I am so sorry to hear about your struggles/challenges right now. I know its extremely painful and difficult but I am genuinely hoping things will be better for you. Suicide is not the answer to your situation right now. Its an end to the life that was generously give to you. People who are sick or sudden death will give everything they have just to live a little bit longer and for you to end your life is a devastation. Not only for you but for people who know you, care for you and love you. I know the future seems bleak but things get better. It really does. You may not believe me right now but it will be okay for you eventually. And I honestly think crying it all out is a bit therapeutic. This way, you are letting all those frustrations and other emotions out of your system. Just cry it all out for now and I trust that you will feel a little better afterwards. As for your parents telling you that you are a disappointment...well, I think they are the disappointment for not showing you the love that you deserve. Its their loss for not getting to know the real you and for not accepting you for who you are. If they think you are a disappointment, I am sure there are tons of people around you who think you are a blessing! And you should believe them. You may have impacted their lives in a positive way but you just didn't notice. I am truly sorry if my advice/reply is a bit lame. I am not as smart as most people here but I read your post and I just had to comment. Heehee! But I hope my simple words will make you smile, even just for a second. Cheer up, dear! Cigsmoker [Sam] ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2014 at 02:59 AM ---------- By the way, I always listen to Gungor's song called This Is Not The End. If you have time, you can listen to this song. Its a theraputic song for me and I am sharing it with you...hoping that it will make you feel slightly better. Hugs!!!!
I have been out for a year so this is still quite a new process for me. I try really hard to remain positive, I am the one at work who is always smiling always asking people about themselves and taking an interest in their families, i remember the names of everyone's children and remember to ask about them so if you were to ask anyone they would all say that I come across as a happy positive person, talkative and friendly. Then I end up feeling as if I am giving all my energy to other people and never leaving anything for myself or ever getting anything back from people. Its just when I get home or am by myself (which as i said is a lot of the time) that is when I feel I can't cope. The issue is not having many close gay friends so I don't know how I will find the relationship I want if the opportunities to meet people are few and far between. I regret not starting this process years ago and I could have met someone by now. I have told the counsellor about my suicidal feelings and she said this is due to not having parents that were able to look after me, I saw my dad very infrequently and my mum had a nervous breakdown so a lot of the time went into supporting her. I never spent time thinking about what I would want which is why I didn't put any effort into thinking about my sexuality, I have pretty much ignored my feelings up until this last year which is why I think things get a bit overwhelming sometimes. My parents provided money and a nice house but no emotional support so I have been just drifting along not making any effort to find the life that I need. I will check out the TED talks, I have seen some other TED talks and I know they are good. I have to keep remaining positive and have faith that things will be easier in the future. xxxxx
Hi Cigsmoker, I know suicide isn't the answer, I just feel so drained and tired with my life. I've had depression for years with very little support, this year has been about doing something for me and trying to live my life the way I need to. I'm just finding it so hard. For years I tried to be straight and date men but it was so difficult to try to be something you are not. I truly believe in being open about your sexulity, I cant imagine how difficult it would be for people living in countries where being gay is illegal. No one is homophobic towards me and I have a small group of nice friends, I just want to move forward with my life and don't really know how to. I am doing everything I can think of in my home town and in towns nearby its just that sense of not understanding the process of finding a partner. I like to know how to do things correctly, like in my job I have set procedures for how to do things but with my sexuality and relationships there are no set procedures so I am constantly confused about how to find what I want and need. ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2014 at 11:45 AM ---------- Greatwhale, you are always here for people, your advice and support is amazing, even if I don't post anything I read what you write to other people and try to learn from your advice to other people. Thank you x
Molly, when I first came out I did a lot of meditating and going running by myself in the woods and generally spending a lot of time thinking about my own problems, and as a result they weighed on me. I don't mean to compare my problems to yours; it sounds like you're dealing with really hard stuff. There's no use in you comparing your issues to others on this site; your experience is your own and you're allowed to grieve even when your problems "aren't so bad" or whatever. Anyways what helped me through this period of sortof obsessing over my sexuality was rediscovering the things I was passionate about: art and music and sports and fun with friends. Reconnecting with your passions can make you feel whole and human like nothing else. Anyways that's my advice. That and keep coming back here, we support you!
Hi Molly. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It pains me to know that other people are feeling so down - because I've been there myself and know how hopeless life can seem at times. In addition to the TED talks by Brene Brown (which are great - you might need to watch them a few times to really let them soak in) also look up John Bradshaw and Healing the Shame That Binds You. My counsellor had me watch it this week and it really opened my eyes to how I've been burdened since my childhood - similar to you. While there wasn't explicit trauma or abuse, I've been carrying around the 'shame' that he talks about and the impact he describes is remarkably familiar. And know that any time you need to - reach out to someone here or the staff on EC. We're all rooting for you! We're here to help.
Thanks for all your help, it does mean a lot to know I have people to talk to. I don't really have any problems in my life its just the day to day loneliness of being on my own so much. I'd like to be able to to make two cups of tea in the morning, to make a nice dinner on a friday night, not just cheese on toast for one and also have some help around the house. If anything goes wrong I have to fix it, if I'm ill I don't have anyone to go to the shop for me to buy medication. I'm so lucky that I can go to London to watch Shakespeare, to go to the art galleries in Paris but there is no one there to ask "what do you think of that painting" or "did you enjoy that play?". I know this is a common problem for gay people and I am doing everything I can think of to meet other gay people its just on thursday I came home and couldn't stop crying. I listen to the girls at work complain about their boyfriends and husbands but still talk about their holidays, children and nights out, I swear they have no idea how lucky they are not to be alone. I can't imagine how difficult it is for people in countries where being gay is illegal or for people who have to hide their sexuality. I think this is the only part of being gay that I don't like, trying to find people who are the same as me.
I just watched the ted talk by Brene Brown and it was very interesting and did make a lot of sense. That is where i am now, wanting to be myself but i feel i can only do this when I find other gay people to talk to. I can explain my feelings on this site but I can't do this with my straight friends. Its very isolating not having gay friends. It is difficult being gay because unless you make friends and have relationships you may not be able to find other gay people in your life to talk to. As opposed to being a different religion where you have your family or people at church, mosque etc to be with. I don't think straight people can ever fully understand what it is like not having people like yourself to talk to. We do live in a straight world and I think I am searching for other people like me. I do have my groups to go to and meet people but there is no one close who I feel I can make a relationship with. Like I said a lot of the people at the groups are men so that can be difficult as well. I must try harder to meet gay people and be myself more!!
Molly, Molly, Molly...big, big bear hugs to you.(*hug*) I wish I could just scoop you up and go for a drive some where and have a long talk. I am so sorry you are so hurt. I can relate to how damaging a parents words can be. Shortly, after my father died...maybe a year or so I went to visit my undergrad school wth a friend. My mother thought there was something going on between us. There was on his part, but not mine, and she confronted me. She had a big checque written out to me and told me I could choose between being gay or being her son. The exchange of words was hurtful and included "dishonouring your father", "faggot", and "go start your new life in another city". I was about 22 maybe, in grad school. As a result, I've remained not only closeted, but in denial and filled with self-loathing for 30 years or so, and am now out. The cost for me is my marriage, loss of time spent with my children, financial securtity (my wife afforded me the luxury of going back to school so I could teach, and my wife's income is about 3X's mine), a charming home (albeit a money pit), friends, and a church that I loved (was told to find a new one). I've often thought how easy it would be for everyone if I weren't around, including myself. I could share my faith as that has surely bouyed me if you wanted, but as an Anglican you have to know that is always our last resort, at least in the States. What I will share with you is all those people for whom you've remebered their childern's names and gone out of your way to be pleasent to straight, gay , or indifferent hold you in esteem. Whether or not they acknowledge it or not you, Molly, make a difference, you are treasured by God, and because you reached out here, by those of us who responded to your thead. We do not live in isolation, despite how we may feel. Join a groulp gay or not where you can share your passions. If it's art or theatre you can start with me I practically lived at the various museums when living in London. I lived on Rosary Court in South Kensington. Two of my favorite pieces were Raphael's cartoon for the papal tapestries at the the V&A, "The Magnificant Draught of Fish" and "The Wilton Diptych" and the Stubbs or Constables at the Tate. Granted there is no physical intimacy here in the ether and, yes, I crave that touch and miss that closeness with someone. I don't mean sexual intimacy, but the touch of a hand, an arm around you while watching TV, a stroke of your head, those meaningful everyday little touches. However, there's no threat here or sharing thoughts and ideas here as there is in the physical world. There's always someone awake and ready to listen it seems. Be kind to yourself today. Reward yourself, because you're the only you there is and you, Darling Molly, are worth it.
I am completely overwhelmed by the love and support on this site. I usually try to remain positive about everything I just think the last few days have been really difficult. It is to do with the counselling which has bought up a lot of difficult emotions for me. It is a really nice sunny day outside and I am going to go for a walk and buy some nice food for lunch. It is very comforting to know there are people that I can talk to. xxx
