I don't know, this has really been on my mind the last few days, so it seemed worth a thread... One of the things I do in my semi-retirement is tutor middle school/high school/junior college students. In two short weeks, I've gone from denying my sexual identity to embracing it. (I know, who would have thought someone as old as I am would, 1) finally accept himself, and 2) be comfortable in that new skin? But I have always been a fast learner--just a good denier, too. So anyway, in the last week, I've really looked forward to my tutoring sessions (typically 4-6 times a week) way more than before my 'moment.' (See my earlier thread about what brought me to coming out at this moment.) I've been so much more at ease with these youngsters, so much kinder, so much closer in ways I'm at a loss to describe. My feelings about working with them are joyous (almost spine-tingling). And these youngsters (ah, some of you are not much older...), ah, these youngsters--make my heart sing. They are so earnest, so open in some ways, so closed off in others. But when I'm with them (and I taught high-school math for nigh on 20 years, so I know whereof I speak), I feel so much that I'm with them, that it nearly brings me to tears. This, it seems to me, is the power of being at one with myself, of letting myself feel. I am in awe of this power. Thoughts?
Hi Ed, Of course your world is broader and brighter, no more blinders. All that energy derailed into denial and deception is now yours. Enjoy. Tom
Absolutely. I would venture to say that from the moment I said to myself, "John, you're gay", I began to feel almost immediately as if life in general made a little more sense than it did before. As time has gone by, that feeling has grown. To use a musical analogy--I'm a church organist, and right now our 8' chimney flute pipe rank has a couple notes that are out of tune. As a result, I can either use different stops and avoid the chimney flute altogether, or I can use it and cringe every time I hit the notes that are out of tune the worst. It's awkward either way. Life before I accepted being gay was a lot like that, where I had to avoid certain things--gestures, turns of phrases, people, activities, clothes--you name it!--or cringe because things just weren't right. Since I accepted being gay, it's almost like I'm playing a piece while the tuners are working on all the notes that are flat or sharp, and as I play, I suddenly realize that the F is no longer out of tune, or I can pull out this stop or that stop without hearing those sour notes here and there. It's still a work in progress and the notes aren't all in tune yet. But the very worst of the clashes and sour notes seem to be gone, and I can hear the progress. (Of course, I am now becoming far more conscious of just how inept a musician I am, and there are analogies there as well!) I've mentioned in other posts how much more at ease I feel with people in general, and even as I find myself scoping out guys more, and even making eye contact with them, a very bizarre side-effect is that straight guys are actually being far more friendly and talkative with me than they were before! Apparently the tightly wound and guarded version of me was far less approachable than the more relaxed, not fully out, but not much caring if anyone DOES find out, me. You are right--it IS power. A big part of being stuck unhappily in the closet is the notion that some external force is keeping you there. My parents will hate me, society will not accept me, whatever. Those ARE real worries for many people, but it's more positive to make yourself an active participant. My coming out is largely on hold at the moment. I could say "I'm too broke to go through a divorce" or "I can't come out because my wife couldn't handle it", or "My friends would reject me if I said I was gay". But what I'm saying to myself is, "I want to get my finances in better shape before I start the divorce", or "I'm giving my wife some time to work with a therapist", or "I'm going to make a few new friends who know I'm gay so if the worst happens, I'll still have friends". The difference is putting yourself in charge and giving yourself the power. And when you come completely out it's because YOU are making a positive change in your life. It's a great feeling, isn't it?
Thanks, Choirboy. I really liked your analogy with music. I don't have a musical bone in my body, but I get it. I think of mathematics as my instrument, and of passing it on to these kids as my music. Does that make any sense to you--because it does to me. But in another way, I feel like I'm the instrument, finally in tune. And your comment about even straight guys being more friendly and talkative with you--I see that, too. And I think it's partly due to, as you say, being more approachable. But I also think it's in part because I'm more willing to approach them. My resentment--in my feelings about how they've been dealt the easy hand in this game, when I'm just as deserving--is gone. So it's easier to talk, and to be talked to. And yes, it is a great feeling--a totally unexpected upside for me. I have some tough days ahead, for sure. But I'd always felt powerless before the world, and to have this power is beyond anything I've ever felt before. I'm sorry you're stuck for a while, but, as you say, these are now your decisions. Things will get better. Thanks for your comments.
For what it's worth...my therapist has said that I'm acting less anxious and stressed...despite my home situation (going through mediation, ending in divorce)...coming out to my best friend who will mourn the death of my marriage (he's also a good friend of my wife and my youngest's godfather)...I'm watching what I eat am losing weight (now if I can make more time for the Y)...My relationship with God is better than it's ever been...pink has always been one of my favorite colors and my father used to wear it a lot (because I'm so secure in my masculinity, you lesser beings)...he was a Marine Sgt. in WWII and played football at Quantico for most of his stint...so the way I dress isn't affected...preppie as ever (pink polo, khaki shorts and boat shoes and I'm ready for anything, B squared forever)...but, I'm less buttoned down with people and even my students have noticed...as Martha would say..."It's a good thing."
Right now, I am still very much in the lost, confused stage so all I feel more of is hurt. Maybe someday I'll feel better. Maybe someday not.
Wow Stillaround what a beautiful post to share and I 'get it' completely. It seemed so safe in the closet - everything so in control - but i was living in a cage inside my head, behind my eyes - not in my body - not in the world. It is powerful and sometimes scarey and I definitely have my moments (daily!) when I want to get back in the cage again. I had come to love my 'demon' and now I have slain it - I can feel a bit lost. But yep the power is amazing isn't it - people (gay or straight or whatever) just seem more 'alive' to me - warts and all - without the fear of being 'found out' clouding my vision. My hope is that others (Maxwell and the other silent ones) reading posts like yours who are waivering and feeling confused and trapped and afraid of what might happen will take succour from your positive words and take those baby steps to follow us into the light of day. It is worth it!
Thanks, Electra. My situation is so much better than some. We have no kids (check off 1 problem), no debt (check 2), and we're not wealthy, but neither will either of us be poor if/when we do separate (check 3). On the other hand, my wife is socially isolated and deeply depressed, and I want to help her if I can. The good news on that front is that she's finally seeing a therapist next week, and she realizes that she needs a life of her own, whether it's with or without me. Her immediate crisis in the aftermath of my coming out is past. She knows I have no immediate plans to leave, that I still love her and want her in my life, and that I will not cheat on her. No more secrets. I'm trying not to give her false hope, either... Just trying to feel my way here, because I'm brand new at this. One more thing to share, though. I hadn't planned to come out to anyone else for a few weeks. But today, I went to be on a panel to discuss issues around the volunteer work I do. Before the panel, I met briefly with my program coordinator, a wonderful woman about 10 years younger than I. She could tell something was up, and prompted me to tell her. At that moment, I did really feel free, and I just said to her, "take a deep breath." And then I said those 3 huge words: I. Am. Gay. And then she looked at me quizzically for a moment, as if to say, 'so what's the big deal,' and I told her this was really going to be a tough time for my wife. She understood, and agreed, and then said the MOST amazing thing: "I'm just so happy for you!" But there was more. The panel started, and we started answering questions about the work we do, how we handle difficult situations, and the like. Now, to back up a little, like most of us here, I've had my guard up all my life, careful not to betray the person I denied myself to be. (Just the twisted form of that last sentence speaks volumes about our dilemmas here, doesn't it?) But I just let my guard down. I stopped watching myself, calibrating every word. I just let it flow, from heart to head to mouth, with no intervening filters. What an incredible feeling! And when the panel ended, my coordinator thanked me for coming, hugged me, and said, "I can see the difference in you!" I drove an hour to get home. With my radio at full blast, and chills running down my back! I know, sappy, sentimental, hopeless romantic--guilty as charged--but free! God, I felt good today. Thanks for listening. /Ed.
StillAround More amazing stuff... I feel your liberation. Have had similar moments over the last few years since I came out to the world. Also dark days and doubts of course, but each moment like that makes me remember there is no going back. Wow - love your posts!!
I just started recently coming out to family, that I would be dressing and acting like a female... but just the fact that I finally accepted myself...made me feel great! and... so far everyone who i've come out to accepts it! My world has been brighter... happier... and so much more enjoyable! I've been fighting depression all my life... & my therapist said this was the reason... so once I took his advice... came out and started acting more like a woman... I've been so much happier! I love to go out now, I love to go shopping, I love doing everyday things now! even though im far from passing as a woman, just the fact that I started down this road, makes me feel... GREAT!
I still have a huge amount of coming out ahead of me... But, I know what you mean. As I have personally accepted my orientation I feel that nothing is holding me back. I'm more myself than I have been in my entire life. I'm not out... But I'm so much more at ease... I just don't give a damn what people might think anymore! How exhilarating it is!
Once I started poking my head out of the closet last year, I soon noticed that I was able to function throughout the day much better than I had in the weeks leading up to those first coming-out conversations. Of course there have been ups and down since then (holidays really knocked me down), but having people to talk to and now that I've found an online home here, I'm finding myself rediscovering interests that I had long-since locked away, like writing. About two years ago I couldn't stand watching TV any longer so I bought a Kindle and started reading... voraciously. I soon realized that eBooks open a whole new world of possibilities for reading that I never would have considered buying from a bookstore or online and having shipped to my house. Now that I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, I'm letting my mind explore things by writing fiction, and will probably begin writing a journal of sorts contemplating my journey to get to this point and to chart my progress going forward.
I've always been a reader, and I've done a lot of technical writing. In the past, I've thought a lot about writing my own story, as sort of a cathartic experience and as a way to better understand myself. But I never did, and now I know why... Now, whenever I have a spare moment, I'm writing, and writing, and writing. Soon, I hope, I'll break it up into page-sized pieces, and post them here as a blog. And I don't care whether anyone else reads it. But I can finally write it from a perspective of acceptance rather than denial. Makes all the difference in the world.
Last year, as an exercise in getting my emotions in order as part of coming out to a few friends, I sat down the few days before my birthday to write the sordid tale of realizing I was gay in my early teens, my boyfriend in college, coming out to my parents, and quickly retreating into my closet to appease them to fund my education... followed on by my subsequent straight marriage with 2 kids, several family health crises and a disasterous relocation. I'm now to the point that I feel almost ready to clean that document up, expand some things etc. and post it as a series on my blog here.
Great! I'll show you mine if you show me yours... I just need another week or so. I don't intend to polish it up much. I'm still writing, and I like to let it sit there for a couple of days before doing a quick re-read and edit. I'll be we have a lot in common.
sounds great.... not sure I can measure up to a former teacher, but if you don't put it out there you'll never know, right? ;-) mostly just want to make sure there are no identifiable references in there... not for my sake but for anyone else associated with my trials and tribulations.
I get it. Keep in mind, though, that I was a math teacher, not an English teacher. And that my wife, who was also my editor, probably isn't interested in editing this particular stuff. So it'll be pretty raw. And yes, you'll never know. Some of the most eloquent and touching words I've read here are from teenagers who haven't quite mastered spelling, grammar, punctuation, or capitalization, and from non-English speakers who struggle with the language, but could not be clearer in their meaning and intent. And for both of us, and many others here, this is what we do to sort ourselves out, not necessarily to inform others. Looking forward...
