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What was I thinking...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tscott, Feb 1, 2014.

  1. tscott

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    Last night my wife went out with her brother to the boat show and I had the kids. Conversations have been less "civil" and more cordial. She offered to make the corn bread I was going to make for a game night with chorus members to which I had been invited. The start of a social life outside the bar, and the social life there is driven by the chance of running into someone I've previously met. The barkeeps now me. Anyhow, I even had asked if I wanted pancakes. Almost normal.

    With good intentions, I asked whether or not she and the children would like to come to the gay men's chorus concert at the end of March. I explained that I'd been told that the audience is usually over 50% straight and was at worst a PG event. My youngest is 10. Well, it got icy real fast. You'd had thought I had hooked up with someone at happy hour and brought him home. I know, I know it was probably too soon to ask her in hindsight, but it stings like a bitch not to be able share something as simple as this, something so unthreatening as a choral concert. It's a new normal, but it is normal. Was it really too much in her face, because it's "gay" instead of...I don't know...something "straight" sounding?

    This may sound like a trivial thing, but I'm just trying to do my best to keep our family working together even though we're divorcing, and as I said it stings like a bitch. What should I do now? Just let it drop? Apologise? I can't bring home flowers. They'd likely be thrown at me or put into the garbage.

    Oh, and on another note fellas, what are we supposed to do about St.Valentine's Day? Talk about a no win situation.:bang:
     
  2. Richie.

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    It was a shock she might come round still. Ask her again closer to the event

    Yeah I hear you about the big V day. Loud and clear. And I dunno lol
     
  3. Molly1977

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    Its not at all trivial, you want your family to be involved in your life and it hurts when you can't include important people in your interests. If you're starting to explore the gay side of your life you want your family to be supportive. You also want to keep that connection to your children. Maybe ask your family to do something else with you, just your ex wife and children, not anything to do with you being gay but just spend some family time together. Then at a later stage mention the choral concert again, or another gay themed event. Bring them into the gay side of your life a little slower.
     
  4. biAnnika

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    Oh, I see...so she's learning to live with the fact that you're gay, as long as you're ashamed of it, eh?

    How did she feel about homosexuality *before* you came out? Open-minded? Or homophobic? Is this something that *must* be kept away from the kids, lest they "catch your gay?" Or what? What's the issue, really?

    This is an indisputable *fact* about you, and there is no reason why you should be made to feel less than proud about it (both the sexuality *and* the singing). You may feel torn about how it is impacting the family, but dammit, it's part of you, and the children should be helped to feel good about it, even if she can't!
     
  5. HopeFloats

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    Maybe in a year or two, or after she has met someone else, is when she'll be ready to attend something like that. I agree (obviously) that the concert is a family friendly event. But you are getting divorced because you are gay and she is a straight woman. It's just too soon. You need to have a clean break from the marriage so that then, hopefully, you can rebuild a healthy co-parenting relationship and friendship. As she is processing all of this and trying to establish what her identity will be as a divorced mother, having "family time" with her soon to be ex is not going to be a priority.
     
  6. Molly1977

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    Hi tscott, how are you doing, feeling any better today?
     
  7. tscott

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    Thanks for all you advice. Sorry, I really am sick in bed. Yes, I am feeling better today...emotionally.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    The thing that you have to remember is that you've been processing this for years and years. Your wife a much shorter time. So she is going to react to things in a way that doesn't seem appropriate for you - only because you've had a lot longer to come to terms with this.

    Consider how you might have reacted if someone, out of the blue, invited you to participate in a gay men's chorus 2 or 3 years ago. I bet the look on your fact would have been much the same as the look on your wife's. I could be wrong...

    Remember as well that this situation has essentially pulled the rug out from under her. There is no upside to this situation from her perspective the way there is some for you. At least you get to be honest and authentic going forward where you hadn't been. She already was in a place that worked for her - so this change is for the most part negative for her. That will take time for her to get over and feel good about again.

    As others have said, don't read too much into it, and do what you can to establish a 'new normal' with your wife and kids. Even if it's just dinner together once in a while.
     
  9. StillAround

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    I know, the title of your thread speaks volumes, huh?

    I've done the same sort of thing... A week ago, I had an opportunity to meet one of my young friends (For context, see the original post in http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/122891-what-got-me-start-my-process-coming-out.html.) And I really wanted to meet with him. So I went. But this was just 2 or 3 days after coming out to my wife. And to her it felt like total abandonment. It just freaked her out.

    I was just feeling so relieved to finally let myself be me that I wanted to savor the moment away from the iciness in our home. (Although I still haven't come out to my two young friends. I'm waiting 'til the end of the month when I can see them both at the same time.) I could have postponed that meeting a week or two; it wouldn't have mattered in the grand scheme of things. But I didn't.

    I think the same thing happened to you (But you did it with the best of intentions; I did it out of selfishness.) The chorus is a symbol of the person you really are, and you want those close to you to see this. I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way, and to act that way. Too soon? Probably. But, you know, she'll get over it. You'll wait awhile before suggesting it again, and spend your time exploring who you are without intruding on her emotional space. And then you'll try again. And someday (we can only hope), this will be OK.

    I want to echo everything that Jim said, and just add this: Don't beat yourself up about it. It will get better...