Since tscott just broached the subject earlier today in his thread "what was I thinking", thought I'd throw this out there to get you guys' thoughts? What do we do about v-day when we are struggling with the idea of being open and honest with our wife about being gay? On the one hand, it seems cruel and heartless to give her a card that says "honey I love you but I'm gay". Then it also seems ridiculous to give the usual happy in love card like all the others. Coming along after a seven month battle with depression and suicidal thoughts, and just wrapping up the holiday season, this is in a way the anniversary event of my emotional down spiral last year following the death of my mom and best friend a month apart in Jan and Feb last year. Fear is such a debilitating and often irrational emotion. It's also probably one of the most compelling outside of love. At least when we started dating back in '95 I was able to blockade the fake commercial sweetest day garbage. But V-day is more like a real holiday (granted it is largely commercial too, but then aga most holidays have become primarily retail experiences than religious or loving experiences). In the past we always kept it low key, usually just dinner out and exchange cards and a small box of favorite chocolates. It just feels weird going out, knowing I'll be hoping we get a hot waiter to eye up hoping she doesn't notice like always. Ideas anyone?
I totally understand where you're coming from. I ended up breaking up with my ex boyfriend on the morning of our 3 year anniversary because of precisely this kind of situation. It felt wrong to celebrate our relationship and accept gifts and give gifts knowing that I really wanted to be with a woman. I think it's really up to you what feels right to do. You can tell her before Valentines Day, you can wait until after, or you can do it that day if you need to. For me, it felt like it would be crueller to accept gifts and dinner and a date and pretend like everything was fine and then turn around and say well I'm leaving because I like women, and I knew it when we went on our date the other day, so I decided to come clean that morning.
There are a lot of cards that have a beautiful picture on the front and are blank inside. A personal message of "I am happy I am married to my friend" is not the saccharine sweet norm but also not harsh in anyway.
@BlueSky224: I'd imagine we share the same feelings about our birthdays being on holidays... mine is Halloween of all days. :bang: The really frustrating part of these holidays is it artifically forces "deadlines" on coming to grips with the decisions that need to be made about how to move forward in life. Is it time to ":***: or get off the pot" as the crude saying goes, or do I want to continue to wallow in the swill I've turned my life into? I can't even manage to give our kids the kind of fatherhood they deserve for the longest time. Yes, I'm present in their lives, I ferry them around to their after-school sports, attend school concerts, make sure they go to Sunday school and Mass and both make their first Communion. At the end of the day, I'm exhaused physically, mentally and emotionally. I have an hour drive each way to work and have to be on the road by 5am so I can get off work early enough to pick up from school and do the afternoon sports shuttle. Since last summer, it's been a hour-by-hour struggle to get through the day at work, feeling preoccupied with my inner turmoil about the state of my marriage and reconciling with my true self. Holidays like this make me think back to those few months I was with my boyfriend at university. Valentine's day in '91 was our first and last together. Neither of us had much, so he made a meal for us and we spent the day together, it was one of the happiest days I've ever had. But with my wife, from the time we were dating all the way to now, it's always felt "forced" somehow... feeling like I was doing what I'm "supposed to" or "expected to" in order to acknowledge her for the day. The usual suspects: flowers (not always roses), cards, candy, dinners, gifts. It's always a question of what "should" I do for vday, never has it been "I want to do THIS for her" because deep down I knew THIS was never who I really am. Half of my life has been a fraud, both on the people I care about and myself. At least this time I can spend some extra effort to see how to approach the day not just for her, but for myself as well.
How about a card that said Thinking of You on the front with a hand written note inside? Candy or flowers are also nice gestures. If you know their hobby maybe a gift for the hobby.
Gosh well sorry to hear about your mom and your friend. But Idk that's a difficult situation but honestly I hate Valentines day i don't like looking at couples kissin and stuff i think that it's the stupidest holiday bc your suspose to expect something from someone. Whatever I always hated valentines day.
gaydad- i know what you mean about what we are "supposed" to do as opposed to "want" to do. Often Valentines Day was just getting her the usual stuff cause it was expected. Not sure what to do this year considering our situation. Probably just get her stuff for the kids to get her
sorry folks if I implied in one of my posts about losing my best friend last year a month after my mom died that it was a person... it was my yellow lab. he was my soul mate, I didn't realize until he was gone how much his personality balanced me out on a daily basis. I think it is sad in a way that a dog is what kept me able to deal with 13 years of living in the closet. and it troubles me that no one at home noticed how depressed I was last year, only my best friend at work drew me out, literally.
thats ok. I used to have a yellow lab as well. Best dog ever. He thought he was my son's bodyguard. Its not sad that helped you deal with life, dogs are indeed mans best friend
Here's a crazy idea: why don't you think about what you *mean*, and then put that in a card. You could either write into a blank card, or you could make a card for the occasion...the shape of the card could be a reflection of the message you ultimately decide on. But nobody makes a message for exactly how you feel this year...so it's up to you to just say it.
Thanks, Pete. Ours was like a 3rd parent in the household. He would alert us to anything the kids were up to. He blocked the stairs so our son couldn't go downstairs after he learned to open the baby gate. He checked the kids rooms every night when they went to bed, and every morning when I left for work. He even alerted my wife then our daughter and chocolate lab had gone out in the yard while my wife had fallen asleep when I wasn't home (my wife lost part of her hearing, so the dog howled until she came to where he was standing by the open patio door.) Fortuantely they were just walking around the house, our daughter was only 4 at the time, and of course the chocolate lab was more than willing to tag along.
I've never been much of a dog person, but my daughters insisted on another dog, since our cockapoo is getting on in years, and picked a puppy from the local humane society website. We went to check her out and she must have realized instinctively who she had to win over, because she locked eyes with me the second we walked in and SHE adopted ME on the spot. It wasn't long after that that my doctor sternly told me I was morbidly obese and should start exercising and watching what I eat, so I took to walking the puppy. It was perhaps 6 months later that I had lost so much weight and gained so much confidence that I looked in the mirror and brought myself to say I was gay. In a weird way I have to give her some of the credit for starting the ball rolling, along with a number of other things that happened in my life and crashed together at about the same time. Valentine's Day will definitely be a non-event at out house, but that's been the case for a number of years anyhow. I grew tired of dancing the dance of "Oh, don't get me anything this year", and then being regaled with the stories of what all the better husbands had done. Our tough one, though, was 2 months ago when we "celebrated" our 20th wedding anniversary, 2 months almost to the day after I told her I was gay. Tense does not begin to describe it, but I can assure you, GDS8M, that while it was no picnic, the worrying about it was far worse than the actual event. Find a simple, caring card, and write something heartfelt in it. You haven't stopped loving her, after all, and she needs to know that, in a way that doesn't give her any false hopes either. It will take awhile to learn this new set of ground rules. But while you're doing that, don't forget that there are people here who love and care about YOU, as well. (&&&)
They do that! Ditto with a friend and his wife's cat. He doesn't like the cat. The cat is constantly endearing himself to this guy.
