Can you guys give me some advice on how I should come out to my fiance please? The best and kindest way. Its going to destroy her but I need some damage limitation.... im a big softy not a sadist!
Do it privately and listen to her. Don't be afraid of silences. Answer whatever question she has. Be direct, you're ripping off a bandaid from a hairy arm, it's going to hurt. Don't allow any wiggle room, false hope will only drag things out and make matters worse. If this is the path you've decided on, then you can't be of two minds, be certain. There is no way you can be prepared for her reaction. You simply cannot know, even if you think you do. There is no way to "kindly" deliver bad news. I hope it goes well with you and your fiancee.
I have a few suggestions, which may or may not be helpful for you. 1. This needs to be a face-to-face conversation. As much as it might be easier to use email, a letter, a phone call, or some other means, you need to be talking one-on-one. 2. Try not to delay it if it's on your mind. If you feel like it's time to talk, don't torture yourself by delaying the conversation. 3. She will most likely experience grief. This usually comes in some iteration of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.) The first one is pretty important to bear in mind. She may be in total disbelief, or she may try to "talk you out of it." Be prepared to answer questions like, "How do you know if you've never been with a guy?" 4. How to start the conversation? That depends on your own conversational style. But you might start with something along the lines of, "A lot has changed in our lives very fast. And I want to talk to you about feelings I've been having..." OR "Something unexpected has happened, and we need to talk about it." You have my assurance that you are doing okay. You're being honest, addressing a challenge before you get married, and you're being fair to her and to yourself. I think I speak for all of us on this site when I say that you have our support and well wishes. If you are lonely or frustrated, or if you have more questions, you can come to this web site any time. I don't know you, but I'll be thinking about you.
I am lonely as hell matey! I love her so much, and i never wanted to be like this, I had done such a good job keeping it away aswell. Just some prick at work catalysed it for his own pleasure. I hate it, i want it to go away, i want to wake up tomorrow morning not feeling like this so i can go on living with my missus. I hate my life, i feel absolutely disgusting to be honest. Being sexually attracted to men and the thought of going through it. It's not who I am in my head, there are two sides of me now. one is the old me, the one with all these views on the world and the other is all this new stuff that I find totally disturbing. WTF. I wasn't born this way. Bad nurturing and a traumatic life have robbed me of the one thing i always wanted. I hate it. I keep crying. I came within an inch of hanging myself about 4 months ago. Made the noose and everything, found a tree in some woods, couldn't climb the bloody tree (lol). Maybe i'm not gay if I have these strong negative feelings towards it. I don't know. have there been people that convince themselves they are gay and get all sorts of thoughts and feelings due to anxiety and then go through it thinking it will be great and then come to the conclusion that they didn't enjoy it. I feel like a wretch! This is how i feel right now!
You still love her, and I'm certain that you didn't plan on life taking this turn. Nobody does. I can certainly understand wanting "it" to go away, to wake up tomorrow, and it will all be gone. But sexuality doesn't work that way. I can't wake up tomorrow and be tall, just as I can't wake up tomorrow and be straight. Being straight would certainly be convenient, make life easier, but it's not who I am... and... I gather, not who you are either. When you talk about hating your life, I get it. And it's no surprise. Given everything that you're thinking about, it's really difficult. Difficult, not impossible. Part of hating yourself is possibly trying to find someone or something to blame. You had a painfully unfortunate experience as child, and another in the workplace. But I urge you to recognize the anger you're experiencing while moving toward acceptance. (Pace yourself; this takes patience and time.) From everything you've said here, all of your emotions are understandable. And your anger and frustration have "snowballed." I can relate to feeling disgusted by your own thoughts, your negative emotions about being attracted to guys. Remember, that's a problem with society, not with you. I don't actually think it's possible to convince oneself to be gay or straight. And having strong negative emotions about the possibility of being gay is actually common--an almost normal, expected part of coming out. Your brain won't let you feel miserable 24 hours a day. So you're not going to be miserable or feeling like a "wretch" permanently. I do think it's time to talk with your fiancé. I can understand how depressing and frightening it is, but there are probably 100 guys in the UK right now on the verge of having the same conversation. And there are thousands or tens of thousands who wish they had done so long ago.
Do you reckon these feelings would have surfaced eventually anyway? So therefore its a good thing that it happened now rather than ten years down the line when i married with kids?
Yeah, in all likelihood your feelings for guys would have surfaced somehow. I do feel that it's best before your relationship got even more complex, particularly in terms of duration, property, and children. Remember, you can still have her in your life, just in a different way. And--yes--you can still have a family and children with another guy. Guys get married to each other every day, and they have families every day. (One of my coworkers is married to another guy, and they just got their second baby.)
No. There is large-scale research to show that this is not the case. Gay parents do not create gay children. Furthermore, children of gay couples do NOT have increased rates of mental illness. They do well in school, and have the same successes, failures, and challenges of other children. I know a really great 21-year-old football player. He was raised by two dads in a fairly rural area. He's a happy guy, and he REALLY likes women. I had no idea that his parents were two guys. He happened to mention it one day.
Coolios cheers matey already started speaking to gay people from school i used to know, gonna get in touch when this all blows over.... would be nice to get some friends of the same ilk.
