Married, but gay :(

Welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. A lot of guys on here have been in the same situation as you.

 

Hi Hopeless (Maybe it's just me, but I think you're going to want to change your username someday.),

You've come to the right place. You don't say how old you are, but no matter how old you are, you might try visiting the Later in Life forum. While most posters over there are in their 30's on up, many are grappling with just your problem: married and realizing they're gay.

And there are several threads on this forum started by folks who are engaged to opposite-sex partners but struggling with their sexuality, as well as some struggling with their religious beliefs.

You'll find stories that resonate with your situation, and people who really want to help.

I strongly suggest you spend some time here at EC before you do anything rash. And, if at all possible, find a gay-friendly therapist and try to talk this out a little. Nothing brings clarity like expressing yourself, whether here or elsewhere.

I hope to see you username popping up from time to time here.

 

Welcome hopelessfool,

You will find many of us here in your situation. Like stillaround said, go to the later in life section.

Lots of great advice and support here

 

Hopeless, I'll amplify on StillAround's sentiments on your username. I have a feeling you're (un)consciously reinforcing negativity toward yourself. I spent 30 years of my life trying to convince myself I'm not who I knew I really am. I've ended up married with children and a difficult economic situation to face should I break the emotional logjam and come out, should my wife choose that we should separate.

I've been through the conservative family turmoil when I was 18 and tried to come out. I've struggled with personal religion. after our son was born, I converted to the Catholic church. It was easier emotionally than I expected. I dealt with the homosexual issue by stripping away the language used by the hierarchy and looked at the underlying universal truth of God's unconditional love for all His creation, no matter where we find ourselves at any given point in our lives. I also realized my so-called conservative fundamentalist baptist upbringing was hardly comprehensive in accepting the Bible in its entirety, regardless of how much they proclaimed the importance of reading scripture. There few more proficient editors that religious zealots, picking and choosing lines out of context, and with zero regard for the historical context those letters and laws were written under.

Don't give up on yourself or your relationships. Some days feel like you're literally living hell on earth, but that seems to be just part of being able to fully appreciate the blessing we do have on those really good days. We're all in this boat together...

 

Welcome to EC. Looking forward to seeing more posts from you! You've already received a lot of great advice from the board members who have posted above. I just wanted to share a couple of TED talks about shame and vulnerability that were really helpful to me when I first joined the board. (Kudos to Chip for introducing many of us here to Brené Brown's research.) Feel free to post a new thread or send any of us a message any time you are really struggling.

Brené Brown: On Vulnerability | Video on TED.com

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Video on TED.com

 

What you're going through can't be easy.

I was not raised in a religious family and have never really been in doubt about my sexuality.

However I have a friend who I suspect may be gay and in deep denial. Whether or not he actually is, it's prompted me to try and put myself in someone elses shoes. My advice would be not to deny any feelings you may have but also not force yourself into any situation that makes you uncomfortable. There are people with an attitude that you should dive head first into a gay identity. In my opinion many people who come out also tend to lose some of who they are by giving into shallow stereotypes of what gay people are "supposed to do".

May I ask, did you talk about girls with straight friends and express heterosexual attractions to people? Obviously since you are married you expressed a hetereosexual idenity, but I mean just in conversations with people?

Good luck!

 

Having just come through telling my wife and exploring my gayer side, I can tell you, you're not a hopeless fool.. You're just in a difficult situation!! Like others have said, I see a username change in your future!!!

There is no rush, just chill and come here for advice etc there is a lot of us married men in the other forum, lgbt later in life.

Life will be ok, it has a funny way or working out in the end!!

 

Hi Hopeless Fool and welcome. I have walked in your shoes and traveled in the same boat.

I got married about the same time in my life as you did and went through the same range of feelings as you are going through now. I remember being on my honeymoon with my new wife and fantasizing about men during the act and on my own after she had gone to sleep. WTF is wrong with me, I wondered. We honeymooned in a place with tons of gay bars and I wanted to be in them, dancing to the beats and ending the night with an amazing experience that didn't leave me longing.

This feeling has intensified over the years, even after fathering kids and building a life. I'm glad my life turned out the way it has so far, but I have choices to make going forward. I didn't choose my orientation, but I must choose what to do with it in the second half of my life, and so must you.

I'm glad you're here -- this is an awesome place -- and I look forward to sharing our experiences. Good luck.

 

Married,
Yes, not easy... No diggity, NO doubt... Do u think they suspect anything?
When my daughter's dad and I split, legally I was scared...
Any Changes recently in ur relationship?
Hang in there sweetie.

B

 

Hey "Hopeless",

You didnt say what your religion is, but assuming its Christian heres a fantastic resource:

The Gay Christian Network

Justin Lee is amazing, and you will receive a lot of support there.

If you're interested in listening to bible studies online, this is a non-denom Christian church in my area that is open and affirming... he posts his bible studies to YT just about weekly and hes awesome

Open Door Long Beach - YouTube

If youre not Christian I hope these resources may help someone else

 

Hey Hopeless. This is tough. But you are early in your marriage. I came out to my wife about 4 months ago now, after over 15 years married. She is still angry with me for not telling her earlier in our marriage, or before we got married and had our kids. I can't give reasons for it except that I did love her and felt I had found someone I could be with. But the feelings I knew I had from around 13 or so lay still and every so often surged forward through the years, until the inevitable happened. I met a guy who I clicked with and that was the end of the illusion I had built up around myself, shielding the feelings I'd always had from myself and being unwilling to admit that they were real and could be anything more than just a fantasy.

Talk to trusted people. Talk to a counsellor (therapist in US?). Express how you feel to them and don't hold back anything. What I found was that as soon as I admitted the feelings I had for guys was real, it was as if the shell I had built up just cracked and the 'new' me just pushed through. There was no going back for me.

There is always hope. I told my kids last night that I was moving out into a place of my own. It was the hardest thing I've done in my life; but I know how I feel and I know that I can't deny myself any longer. I need to be me. You need to be you, whatever that might be. But just do it slowly. Try not to rush things and as I said - talk to someone you can trust.

Good luck and keep talking to us.

 

Hopeless,
I wish your user name could be something else!

This is undoubtedly a difficult situation, a struggle, but not hopeless. As you can see here, many gay men marry women... even women they love. It's neither unusual nor insurmountable.

Although it may feel that the cards are stacked against you, I've often found that the most deeply religious and conservative families and communities can have a tremendous capacity to rethink their beliefs.

It is certainly not a guarantee, but I've known many gay guys who have come out to overwhelmingly conservative (particularly Christian Evangelical) families, and they've found support and love they didn't know was possible.

You might hear some condescending comments about "choice" or "hate the sin, love the sinner." But you may find many more people who are going to love you just as much, if not more.

I agree with others here that talking with your wife is a good first step. When you're ready. Think about what support systems you can have in place: friends, gay-friendly therapist, gay-friendly primary care provider, and--of course--all of us.

We're here for you, and I'm glad that you're looking at how to make some challenging but positive changes in your life.

Big hug.

 

SO many of us here have been on a similar path and journey.

Couple resources regarding faith

Letter to Louise -- which to me, blows most everything else I've ever read away
God Made Me Gay: A Letter to Louise

and Matthew Vine -- his site, click to the youtube video
ABOUT

This is your thread, and I don't want to start a debate, but I am so not a fan of Gay Christian Network. I find the arguments totally backwards (gee, we're all sinners), and unrealistic (celibacy - which to me is such a dishonoring of our sexuality). PLEASE -- if you want to debate this -- lets do it on a separate thread. BUT to me, this is important enough to a man who is struggling and challenged right now to raise this concern.

As a man almost celebrating year 1 of coming out, I've read many stories here, met many men and women who are and have had this as their work before them.

In short, I've met no one who has said "I should have waited longer to come out" -- rather, nearly everyone "I wish I had done this sooner."

it is life altering to be authentic with the people in your life. It is freeing to them, as well as you of course. Yes, there is responsibility that comes with revealing yourself -- do it truthfully, gently, and with compassion and love.

You have been cogitating and feeling this in your gut and soul for a while. Perhaps a few of your friends and family have thought you might be gay. Many, however not. So their acceptance may be in a totally different place.

Given your fears and concerns, I so recommend you build a support network, from any, ideally all of these
A gay therapist - to whom you can say *anything* and work this out for you
Friends you can come out to - likely not all, but even 1 or 2 close friends will be so helpful
Support group - of other men coming out, perhaps at a pride center or identity counseling center.

Stepping out the world that you've lived in and assuming (outwardly) the identity of a gay man takes courage and support. No, you're not a different person. You are the same wonderful, amazing, sexy, fun, scared, concerned guy who were before you utter the words "I am gay" as after. At the same time you are blessedly different.

Your wife deserves to know sooner rather than later. Please, @hopelessfool, create a security net before you do that.

I will tell you that my first year as an out gay man has been among the best in my life. It started with pain, tears, sadness, so much uncertainty. Whatever you feel, allow yourself to feel it. And as the year has gone along, the freedom, love, growing self confidence and self acceptance -- almost nothing compares!

Hugs,

Pete

 

Hey Sport,

Sorry, I won't use Hopeless. I've been married 25 years, have 3 kids, and am a Christian. I came out in January to my wife. I get it. I've been theatened with being disowned by my mother shortly after my father died and I'm an only...made me run straight into the closet and bolt the door shut. I even went to a fundementalist church to have the "gayness" cast out...and I was an Anglican at the time.

I started a retreat that I had hoped would bring me closer to my wife and my God. One of the things I've had issuses with was truly accepting God's unconditional love, when I did'n't love myself. 3 guesses why? Well, after some intense prayer an self-examination I had to face my bete noire, I had to accept being gay. I had been telling God He made me wrong. My audacity and pride was too much. Who was I to tell God he was wrong?

My heart goes out to you. I know what you're struggling with. I still love my wife, but it won't change that I'm gay or that she deserves a man who can truly be one with her. Suprisingly, I'm freer with sharing my faith, and I've grown closer to God, despite the rejection of a few friends who believe the "choice" I've made will lead to damnation. If there was a "choice" to be made, I can assue you this wouldn't be it. Why would I risk my salvation and my family?

You hang on, Sport. You have my prayers, and I expect to hear more from you...we all do. A more caring group you won't find anywhere.

Shalom

(*hug*)

 

I like that--Sport. Please ask the admins to change your name!

I'm not in the least religious, but I get what tscott is talking about. I have this sense of --I don't even know how to say it--values, ethics, our small place in this giant organism we call the universe (too 'cosmic?), and I feel freer sharing this with others around me.

And when I comment on news articles to people who think this is a choice, the first comebacks are:

1) When did you choose to be straight?

2) Do you honestly believe anyone would want this choice? Do you think we LGBT's are all just masochists?

And finally, what tscott said. Hang on, Sport. I think of you, and of so many others here, often. I come back here again and again to see how you're doing. So I expect to hear from you. I look forward to hearing from you. And no, you will not find a more caring group of people ANYWHERE. You have my word, and everyone else's word here, on that.

Shalom, as well. I've always loved that word!

 

Be honest with yourself and your wife and don't live a lie. That's all the advice I can really give you.