Is there emotional stages when it comes to discovering who you are, your place in the world, and coming out? I am now angry in general and I don’t know why. I am not an angry person by nature and the other day, I did not feel anger at all. Any clue?
The five stages of grief is generally the stages people go through. Looks like you've gone from step 1, denial, to step 2, anger.
coming out is a lot like death and being reborn... the old closeted fake you (me) is dieing and the new person is waiting to be born. It's the labor pains that really get to you some days.
Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Grief-Acceptance. Anger can be random anger for no reason, "why me", anger at God or whomever for "doing this to you" and that sort of thing. Bargaining often looks like "Well, I acknowledge that I have same sex attraction, but I'll still end up with an opposite-sex partner, a house with a white picket fence, and 2.3 children" The rest are pretty obvious. The stages are not always sequential, and one does not always progress from one to another, sometimes they can go back and forth.
Don't think of them as stages of death, Max...think of them as stages of transition to the next phase. But yes, whatever that next phase is, the stages seem to be the same. You don't know what you're angry about? Might you be angry at a society that makes these realizations so difficult to come to? Might you be angry at a society that makes these realizations so difficult to accept, once you come to them? Might you be angry at a society that makes these realizations difficult to actualize once you accept them? Might you be angry at yourself for taking this long to come to this realization? Might you be angry at yourself for all those "lost years"? Might you be angry at yourself for needing to put loved ones through a difficult time? (I'm going out on a limb with this one, since I don't know that much about your situation.) Might you be angry with god for making you this way? Might you be angry with god for making society this way? Might you be angry with god for putting you in this society? Those are just some reasons a person in your situation might be angry...there are plenty of other possibilities. It doesn't mean that you are an angry person...even those of us who don't *live* angry still have reasons to *be* angry at times. My advice to you is to let yourself feel what you're feeling...don't analyze it, or process it...just watch yourself having these feelings. "Ah, so *this* is what this kind of anger feels like!" Best way to dissipate it and move forward...you are feeling angry because your body *needs* you to feel anger right now...so feel it, and your body, satisfied, will let you move on.
I am definitely angry at myself for all those lost years. I think about all the years I could have had a bf/partner and been happier. I was always afraid of what other people would think about me, that I would not be accepted in society. I have cried over this at times because I didn't want to be this way and thought it wasn't fair. I am crying as I write this now. I am still having a hard time dealing with my feelings. It is getting better though.
been through the exact same emotions as you, sometimes it feels like nothing anyone can say will make it better... then the clouds begin to lift and there are more days of looking forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. the journey is easier when you have people helping row the boat, and it helps pass the time more enjoyably. (*hug*)
I do have several gay friends and I wouldn't want to be without them. We get together and have dinner at least once a week, catch up on things. This alone has helped me tremendously at times. I am becoming less concerned with what other people think about me. I really want to focus on what will make me happier going forward in life.
Geo58, Feeling a part of a community is a wonderful thing! We're an anonymous community here, but linger awhile, and you'll realize EC is so much more a community for you than some actual communities in your life. And I, too, am working on building a community of friends with whom I can talk openly about who I am and how I feel. So far, just one person, really, but two wonderful, bright, funny, interesting young men (who happen to be newly in love with each other), will soon join my "crew." I haven't outed myself to them yet, but I'm not anxious about it. Just waiting until I can speak to them both at the same time at the end of the month. And I know about anger. I, too, am angry at the time wasted, at the time and culture I was born into, of the self-loathing and shame I put myself through, and at the harm I've caused the one person I've loved for 28 years. But once we've set ourselves on this path, I really believe the only path is forward. Things do get better.
