When i was 13 i would masturbate to girls and only girls. Lesbian porn, Straight, ect. That continued for 4 years. Then i almost got board of it and masturbation was a chore and not fun. I also had emetophobia, and masturbation was a big outlet. I mean i fit a lot of stereotypes that i was gay. People always thought i was gay. They would come up and ask me. I used to dance, i dont play sports cause i suck, and i do art. I even remember someone stole my sketchpad freshman year and wrote "FAG" on every page. I cried so much. always in private though. I bottled everything up. I even remember during the middle school graduation party(run by the school) three kids beat me up and tried to throw me in the fountain outside the venue. They where stopped by teachers. But, nothing was ever reported because they where star athletes. I had people hack my facebook and write that i was a "flaming faggot". They then decided to put on there walls that "***** ***** is gay as hell" Thats when i tried self harm too. I used to cut my upper are a lot. I was depressed and felt that no one liked me. And honestly, i had only three friends. I did however technically loose my virginity that year. I had two friends over (girls). One i was attracted too and the other not at all. She looked like a boy. She cut her hair, and said she was a lesbian. Then we all hooked up. The girl i didn't like, liked me and i wont lie, she was a good kisser. But the one i liked didn't participate as much. I had a hard time getting it up. I barley did. It was so embarrassing. Then they asked me if i was gay. I was pissed , ya know. I liked it, and it was really exciting, but i couldn't get it up. I felt like less of a man. I mean, who gets to fulfill the fantasy of loosing your virginity during a threesome?! After that year, i tried different porn. I tried- sigh- gay porn. I dont really know why it turned me on, but i think its because i was attracted to seeing anyone excited. Its didn't bother me much. I didn't think anything of it. I mean, i had crushes and always had fantasies about girls. I didnt know. I was so confused. So that night, i tried to strangle myself, although i couldent succeeded. Now that i look at it, i was stupid. But, i was so sad. I had people tell me it was better if i was dead. Was doing this proving them right? I dont know, but i know have learned that life is too valuable to let go. So right now, i have gotten though a week. I have had fantasies about both men and women, but i would really only want to act on woman. I dont have anything against being gay, and if i am. good. whateves. but, i dont like being confused. I was expecting a difference right away, but i guess its not fast. I guess ill keep going. I am still very depressed though. I mask it by a smile though. No one except you, the person reading, know the true horrors that i have done to myself, and the things that people put me through. And to clarify again, i am not going to do anything to harm myself. Does anyone have any thoughts? Im still not sure if im gay. I dont ever think of being in a emotional relation ship with a guy, but i have only thought of sex. For girls, its both. I would never actually have sex with a guy though. Its really confusing. Just recently, i am try to refrain from all porn. Its helping. But recently, i feel like my head is playing games with me. In the past day, i found some guys really attractive, I dont know. Its weird. I just get this butterfly feeling when i think of haveing sex with a girl. Any thoughts?
Jasdav, you don't say how old you are, which probably matters a lot. Tell us a little more. Lots of us here would like to help. You might want to post your thread on the Coming Out Advice forum as well. It will attract a wider range of readers. You'r in the right place here at EC, though. Welcome!
First off, welcome.to EC as it looks like this is your first post on the forums! More importantly, thank God you are still with us. I went to some very dark places in my mind last year, but chickened out before I tried anything. I convinced myself that my bad luck would leave me incapacitated instead of dead. At that point I knew I had to get help somewhere; fortunately a great friend stepped up and helped me come out of the darkness and out of my closet, at least just a little bit. Everyone goes through different feelings to understand their true orientation. some figure it out early, some not until later in life. Many of us try to live in denial and ultimately fail because you cannot survive emotionally when you're disconnected from yourself. As for the erectile issue you mentioned, unless there is a physical cause the emotional work you need to do to find yourself likely prevented being able to filly participate. Same with the porn, though with porn it can become desensitized over time. There's tons of good stuff out here already, and plenty of caring people ready to help you talk through any questions as they arise. Hang in there, I'm willing to along for the ride if you want a passenger? I'm sure a lot of people here are standing right there with you.
Well its good that im in the right place. I dont really have anyone to go too. Im 17 and will be 18 in march. But, i hit puberty at 14. Pretty late. I have extreme anxeity about mostly everything. When i was young i never really questioned if i was gay at all. I even had girlfriends at 5 Haha. The sexual experience i had was exciteing however etremly nerve racking. I think about it everyday. In a good way that is. I am very picky with woman though. That could be it too. Oh, and back to that experience, right after that ED was when i questioned if i was gay. I read up on it, and they said to see if gay porn excited me. It didnt but eventually grew on me. I have never really had crushes on guys only girls so i dont really know. I really just want a girl to snuggle up with at the end of the day. It gives me the butterfly feeling of excitement. Yesterday, iposted on anither site and they asked if i was attracted to mens faces, and now i am paying close attention. I feel like as soon as someone askes, i obbses. Im very confused. I also dont want to marry a woman and then figure out im gay and hurt her.
labeling yourself is hard, you're young take your time. here is a great place to work things out among friends.
Welcome! It's really fantastic that you're reaching out for advice. When I was your age I was a scared little rabbit that wouldn't, couldn't ask for help. I regret it immensely. I think that at your age you should try not to feel too much pressure or urgency to figure it all out. Depending on your family and environment this stuff can be really hard to nail down. That's my best advice, just be patient and realize that you deserve to be happy. There's no hurry to apply a label. You'll understand more and more as you mature. You're at a very significant point in development. You're not ahead and not behind. This IS how we grow up; you're experiencing what every person experiences. The transition from child to adult can be bewildering. There's a lot of confusion because you may not understand all that's happening. But again, that's the way it goes. Just try to be patient and enjoy this time. You're as perfect right now as you can be. Pure perfection. As for all that crap that's happened at school, know that it's all about them. Their actions say NOTHING about you. Do NOT define yourself through the actions of morons. If we all did that what would we say about the U.S. based on "Jersey Shore?"
