Hi I have this urge to return to familiar shores. I am not sure if I am brave enough to go on with this. My wife loves me and will be happy if I return. We are/ were extremely close before I confessed to her about 6 weeks ago. Apart from her, my mother in law, and the parents of the young guy I fell in love with, none of our friends know.I have been wanting to disclose my coming out fully to our friends but my wife doesn't agree. It is also getting increasingly difficult to hide the fact that I had moved out the house from our friends . We constantly find excuses for declining invitations to social events as I don't feel up to it and feel that our friends should know. That way, both of us could get support which we dearly need now (some of them gay, one of them who came out to me first 18 years ago). Should I respect my wife's wish or tactfully disclose to our close friends. If I can't, I am probably going to end up back in the closet because of pure isolation. I only get weekly visits from the guy that contributed to me leaving the closet. I am still very much in love with him and would have liked to marry him, but I realize he might be using me as an ear to guide him out of his closet. He is probably not in love with me as I had previously thought. Please advise
Paul, for me the question would depend on what's the status of your relationship with your wife at present, and how your circle of friends developed. You're living separately from your wife, obviously, so that implies ...? Regarding coming out to friends against you're wife's wishes... if there are friends that she made over the years that you came to know as well, maybe leave them out of it. If there are your own friends that she's come to know, I'd say it would be up to you if you want to tell them. Joint friends that you both made while together, maybe deal with those on a case-by-case basis? Of course it's more complicated if your circle of friends are interconnected, so that if you told one it would be across the wire in short order. The bottom line, though, is this is your story to tell whomever you choose if you feel so inclined. There are always repercussions coming out to anyone, so there could be at least short-term impact on your relationship with your wife. Easy for me to say since I can't speak up in my own relationship... yet.
I think you should be open about who you are but only do this if you know you are in a safe environment with people who will be supportive towards you. Maybe start by telling a few close friends but do this slowly and with only people you trust. I don't think it would be a good idea to go back in the closet if it isn't what you want for your life. Also it might not be a good idea to go after a guy that you think could be using you. If you try to move forward with this process it might be easier for you. Good luck
Thanks for the advise. Me and my wife had been married for just over 20 years. So our friends are mutual. None of us really have our own friends as I suppose I was subconsciously clinging to her to protect me from my deeply buried homosexual impulses. I do have an idea of which friends will choose who's side. I suppose that is inevitable.
Firstly, people can surprise you so don't rush to assume that you know what your friends will think. Secondly, if you know you are clinging to your wife for protection the homosexual side of your life will come out eventually so you could be just putting off the inevitable. Think carefully about what you want to do and come back here for all the support you need. xxx Hope this helps
At least my situation is a bit easier in a sense... I don't really have any of my own friends outside of work. I'm familiar with some of my wife's friends but we do things together with them so rarely that I feel no compulsion to share intimate parts of my life, if and when the time arises. Of course, the lack of my own friendships is an inhibiting factor for steeping out of the closet as it limits the support that accepting friends can provide. But, at least I have a few friends and have already told the majority of them... and everyone I've told has been 100% supportive of me being who I am regardless of how my relationship with my wife goes in the future.
