Still struggling

I agree with the bold part, just take baby steps... Don't worry about guys just find your feet and get to grips with it all. I say anyways.. It's what I'm doing..

Don't worry about potential life partners.... Find some gay friends join a work shop etc... Groups.... Baby steps... You don't need any more complications you have enough...

 

^ Agreed. One day at a time. Consider him a friend. Get out and meet new people. Get settled into your new life, while supporting your wife to the extent you're able to get her life settled as well.

 

Highlander,

I got nothing to add beyond what I think is Richie's and Jim's great comments. Well, almost nothing...

Your last phrase above got to me: "But I'm just not sure how to play this." I think your friend had it exactly right when he told you all of that. You have to get to know yourself first; otherwise, this is just a rebound relationship. And you don't have to "play" this. It's not a game--it's life. Take some time--no strings attached--and live your life. In the meantime, you have a good friend who just wants you to honor some boundaries.

 

I think they are right. With so much stuff going on, new flat, telling the kids,
adjusting to the new you, is there adequate time to put into a relationship? Maybe take it slow with him for now and be friends and maybe eventually it will turn into more.Ive been kind of going through a similar thing the past few weeks with a guy i met, but the stress really started getting to me with everything else going on. I decided that right now i would rather have him as a friend than risk losing him totally. If something happens in the future, at least i will in a better mindset.

---------- Post added 4th Feb 2014 at 10:57 PM ----------

I mean dont get me wrong. I would love to be close with someone, its been a long time since i was close to someone, and not to be vulgar but i wouldnt mind some physical action too (been a while for that too), but i think right now it would be more beneficial in the long run to plant some roots in the community and develop a support system.

 

Your friend needs time to put his breakup in perspective and heal. So do you.

Be patient. Not easy at times but be patient.

Tom

 

Maybe your friend just wants some time to see how your breakup is going to work itself out with your wife and children before jumping into the picture as a full-time player, and is getting used to his own changed situation while he waits. Whatever is going on, honor his request for some space, while beginning to expand your own to include other possible new friends. If he sees you are handling yourself well and your changed situation is compatible with his, then he may try to see how well he fits into it later.

 

Highlander, I sincerely empathize with you and your struggle. I have followed your threads closely these last few months because your situation and the feelings you describe so closely resemble what I imagine my life could become in thievery near future. It is somewhat if a dream scenario for me that I find a guy at work for whom I develop very strong feelings, he develops feelings for me, we are out at a happy hour or something together, and light conversation turns to heavier conversation, and then turns to truth. In my dream scenario, we would struggle together to figure out what to do next. We might kiss once or twice, but we wouldn't do more because we would not want to cheat on our respective wives physically. We would build up the courage to tell our wives the truth, they would be hurt but would be understanding, and then we would break away. When the dust settled, we would be together.

In imagining up this dream scenario as I did years ago, I failed to really consider how much my wife means to me, how much I would miss her if she didn't want to remain in my life. I also did not consider how damaging the scenario would be for her. Since my wife has learned that I am gay, these things have been put into perspective. Nonetheless, I admit that the fantasy I envision is still very appealing to me, and sometimes I find myself taking actions to set up the scenario, casting aside rationality and just following the drive inside me.

My scenario does not include kids. I won't lie, though, a part of me wishes it did. I have always wanted to be a father; it was never even a question. And even though I know that adoption or other methods are a possibility, I know that the kids my wife and I would produce and raise would be spectacular.

I suppose I am saying all these things more for my benefit than for yours. As I listen to your struggle, I think to myself, man, this guy is so lucky to have experienced this dream scenario as he has, right down to the understanding wife and with kids. I realize that your dream is fading now that your guy is expressing uncertainty. That sucks. I am rooting for you though, and I hope that you find a way to be happy with your new life.

 

What Link said, times 10.

And about kids... Even at almost 70, my fantasy includes kids. I'm way past the age where I'd even consider kids. We tried doing respite care for foster kids a few years ago, in the hope that we might take in a foster child permanently some day. But my wife couldn't handle it, so we stopped. And, aside from the concern about dropping dead in the middle of an already troubled kid's childhood, I still fantasize about a life apart, with a house occupied by a one, or two, or three boisterous kids. Not going to be real, but it's a great fantasy.

So why not kids?

 

Kids are great 90% bliss and 10% periodic terror.

 

And some of the bliss comes from surviving the terror, from discovering how strong, and resilient, and wise kids can be. Now, if they could just stay safe until that impulse control finally kicks in...

 

Oh-oh, StillAround, you're still waiting for that? That sure doesn't bode well for those of us whose kids are still teenagers! I think my heart has finally slowed to a normal beat from the time I went into the basement and discovered that they had put a couple thin sofa cushions on the concrete floor and were jumping off of chairs doing somersaults in the air. Good God.

 

OK, sounds like time to share a crazy kids story to make you other parents feel better about yours:

If you saw some of the stuff my two come up with... :eusa_doh: :***: :bang:

Exhibit A: Our son would pretend the tub was a slide at the waterpark, and/or have toys lined up on the sides of the tub and then pour water on them like the giant dump buskets the waterparks have. He was having a blast... until... :eek:

I go into the kitchen and hear water pouring from somewhere. Naturally, I think a faucet is running, right? What else? NO! It was water literally running from the bathroom upstairs, down through the hanging light fixture over the table in the kitchen and was pooling and splashing off the table all over the floor. Just about everything on the table was soaked, along with the chair cushions. :tears:

And of course the light was ON so I'm thinking -- do I turn it off or will I get electrocuted? Grab a wooden spoon to hit the light switch, grab a stack of towels from the linen closet to start soaking up the mess, and start taking apart the light fixture to dry it out. Once that's all done, I can start seeing water spots through the drywall ceiling... holding breath waiting for it to collapse overnight... fortunately, the next morning it was all dried up.
(!)

And that's just ONE of the reasons we have to replace the wood floors in the kitchen...

Now, don't you feel better! :icon_bigg

 

DEFINITELY!!!!

Although my younger daughter's "body count" includes a TV set and a toilet....

 

Highlander,

I too agree with the "text in bold", try to slow things down, enjoy the changes in your life, and see where it goes. I know that is difficult to do right now, emotions are running very close to the surface, and it would be comforting to "know" that you've got your partner waiting in the wings for you. However, it's actually a good idea for "everyone" to let thing settle, allow emotions to get more stable, and then take it from there. You can still "do things together" and enjoy each others company (so it's not like you or he have moved 1,000 miles away) just take things slow. And a little advice from someone who's gone through a really ugly divorce, try (which at times is really hard to do) to get at least 8 hours of sleep every day!! When emotions are running on overdrive, and if you are operating on little to no sleep, it only compounds matters. When you are tired, it's much, much harder to control your feelings and emotions, which usually only makes matters worse. I know it's difficult though, because a lot of times when you need the sleep, you get hit with insomnia. Even if you can't sleep, stay in bed and rest... it's better than nothing and you'll need all the rest you can get for a while.

 

Well, I don't have kids, but I've had a lot of experience with them. Teaching teenagers, listening to their conversations with each other, wondering, "Gee, kid, don't you know you could have died doing something like that?"

But once kids reach their late teens and hopefully go off to college, you won't hear or see much of their craziness. You won't watch them pull into the driveway going way too fast, naively trusting that brakes just never fail. You won't smell the marijuana wafting off their clothes and wonder how much they smoked and where. You won't stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning terrified that something may have happened to them, but trying to give them some space so they don't feel micro-managed.

You won't have so many moments of unstoppable terror. It will start to fade to some general, never-quite-going-away worry. And you'll call them occasionally when the worry starts to build. You'll listen to them, and you'll talk a little with them, and you'll be reassured that you and your kids are going to survive, and that you're so proud of who they're becoming that your breath catches, and you'll rest easier--'til the next time.

 

Don't worry too much about telling the kids. They take things in their stride much more easily than you might think. My 16 year old sonwas more upset about us divorcing than my being gay. Oddly, we.ve grown closer. He's much more apt to want to be with me and watch a game than before, because of this I'm more likely to watch a basketball game with himeven though I'm not the least bit fond of the game. MY 10 year old had us already fixed up with people we know. The only hint of wanting us together was us buying both halves of a semidetached house. This may change when we all move out our house and go our separate ways, but I don;t think so. My therapist said it was very important not to leave any doubts about getting back together. Good luck to you. Sounds like you're finding your sea legs so to speak.

 

For the record, Highlander, I am not advocating that you get back with your wife. Part of the motivation for my post was just to help you realize how lucky you are.