I've been busy with work and spending time on the road so its been awhile since I've posted. I came out to my GF of 4years in Oct. By Dec. we had separated but continue to live together to raise our 3yo. son. She has been wonderful and very understanding and supportive, that is until I suggested we start my coming out process to him. It was then that a bit of homophobia began to shine thru. Thats ok as I am of the belief that we are all homophobic but I need to tackle this. I have no intention of coming out to my son right at the moment. I don't want him to know his mom and dad are not together until it is really necessary. What I would like to do at this point is introduce him to gay people in some way. I suggested this to my X and she got quite angry. I suggested reading a children's book with gay dads or taking him to a playdate with kids of gay and lesbian couples. She went ballistic. She feels that somehow I would be shattering his innocence. I think she is still focusing on the sex part. I am not to talk about my "sexuality" to him until he is older. She can't seem to wrap her head around the idea that we can use age appropriate talk to explain any questions he may have. So I would like to hear about any experiences you all may have had with coming out to a young child. Any literature that I can get my hands on about the subject would be a great help. Its really nice to be back. I've missed the forum. Thanks
Try these ^^ The bravest knight who ever lived (a gay protagonist) by Daniel Errico Gay l-u-v (a book to help kids understand, not all loving families are mom & dad, some can be dad & dad, or mom & mom) by Donna Frantz Making my family (like the above book) written by by Naomi Stern My two uncles & me (title says it all =p) written by Jeff Rivera Some people have two dads(or Moms) (my personal Favorite) by Luca Panzini and Fabri Kramer I'm sure there are many more, but these, especially the last 2 books mentioned (my favorite two) should be a solid bet ^^ Hope I helped! These books should help your child understand that homosexuality is ok, nothing wrong with it, there are of course even more books for BI or trans.
Wow this resembles so much to my situation I want to normalize them to it without telling them straight. It's a difficult one. Wish I had the answers I need them lol
Hi, Shattering his world? Bologna! Building a false reality. I also think you need to consider that your girlfriend believes all gays are mentally ill, sex perverts, who will sexually abuse her child. That is the common belief among straights. This goes far beyond children. I live with my brother and I am not allowed to have friends drop by. He is not happy they have our address and meet me in front of the house. Oh yeah, being gay is politically correct but many straights NEVER want to see any aspect of it. My guess is your girlfriend views anybody gay you know is a mentally ill pervert. Just wait till your son is old enough and wants to be a Cub Scout and you want to be a Scout leader. Gays being viewed as perverts is institutionalized so you can only imagine, no, you can see it in your girlfriend. In my opinion that is the base issue you are seeing. Homophobia is just a polite way of saying; "gays are perverted, sick predators". Your rubber is hitting the road and reality exposed. This is why we were closeted. Fear of society is based in reality. We know the oppression and rejection of gays is built into the system. That is reality. That is the message being taught your son. Just my opinion. Tom
I think Tom, you nailed it on the head for me, especially the issue with Cub Scouts... I deliberately decided not to get involved with the Pack or my son's Den because of this. My son enjoys scouts, I don't know if he will cross over to Boy Scouts in a couple years; but when I do help out with a couple things during the year, I sit back and chuckle to myself... "if they only knew, I wouldn't be welcome to participate" then it gets really depressing to know that I wouldn't be welcome to do this with my own son if I come out. { :soapbox:} The institutionalized assumption we're sex perverts and child predators in many straight people's minds is another major factor that inhibits me broaching this issue in my family. It's kind of my nightmare scenario: I come out to my wife as gay, then she or her family automatically assume I'm a sex pervert and child predator just because I'm gay, and I lose my kids and/or they try to use them against me somehow. As far as telling your son about different types of families, as long as it is age appropriate there's no rational reason to hide reality. Depending on his age (daycare/preschool/grade school?) he's already around kids from different backgrounds. Hell, let's be blunt here; he's living in a "non-traditional" family now with you and your girlfriend living together as his parents, but you're not married. So, many of the same people that would happily judge you as an inferior human for being gay, would also judge your family arrangement as at least "less than ideal". Why is that anyone's business? As long as there is one or two parents who love their child and do their best to provide a loving home, meet their basic needs, and try to guide them to be decent human beings when they grow up, why should anyone care what the gender of those parents are, or their relationship status? I really have no patience with people moralizing against people they don't know or understand. Who the hell are they to be that qualified to know what God thinks of us? Even my own priest doesn't sit in judgement of me! { :soapbox: } OK, I'm done with that rant... for now :rolle:
There's also been a very noticeable shift in kids' attitudes towards homosexuality (although of course there are still the gay-bashing bully types who will pick on anyone who's different). My kids are 16 and almost 13, and they are amazingly casual on the subject I have only come out to the older one so far, and the first thing she said was "Too bad that cute little Asian hairstylist guy who always talks to you is so young". I didn't expect her to have a huge problem with it, but her complete acceptance has kind of shocked me. I haven't told the younger one yet, mainly because she doesn't have much of a filter on what she says, and I don't want the news out before my wife is ready to deal with it publicly. But a gymnastics/color guard instructor who she deals with regularly is very flamboyantly gay, and she notices it the same way she would notice hair color or height. Not all kids are so accepting, by any means, but I definitely see it as a trend among the ones I'm in contact with. Point is - a kid who is 3 today is growing up with a very different set of attitudes on the subject that even one who is 13 or 16. The kid will not have a problem. But of course you still have to get past the attitude of the adult. I agree about the ingrained attitude that there's something "wrong" with us, particularly among adults (and the older they are, the less tolerant they are as a whole). But I wonder if perhaps she's still processing all this herself, and her reaction was less about her child having a gay father than it is about HER finding out her boyfriend is gay? Like a heart attack that shows up as a pain in the arm, sometimes people's emotions don't show up where you would expect them to. She may still be feeling some shock and resentment, and this is how it's coming out. I don't recall any specific books on the subject, but I do know that there are some age-appropriate books that deal with it in a very casual manner. (My wife used to own a children's book store and I seem to have completely blotted everything but the debt out of my mind!) All a preschool kid really needs is to see story books presenting other kids with 2 parents of the same sex, or the one I've mentioned before about the 2 boy penguins who hang around together all the time and build a nest together (the name escapes me - if I remember it I'll post it). But I would say give her a little more time to adjust before you push the subject too much. 4 months is a very short time to recalculate your direction after 4 years together.
Hi GayDadStr..., Sure is a strange mix of emotions being gay. Everyone has a different range and ratio of emotions but anger at society is always one of the leading emotions. It is not the "gay" at issue but rather how society/family treat the gay individual. Anger at being rejected, oppressed and discriminated against because of something beyond your control. Do I understand how blacks, Jews, native Americans, name your minority feel and I understand. Even within the gay community there is lateral discrimination. If you haven't had "closet queen" the words spit at you by an openly gay person you haven't lived yet. Or simply had a potential gay friend walk away politely because you were once married, or worse have kids no less. They are out there. It is all about in-groups and out-groups regardless of demographic. Man, I am angry. Tom
Hey folks, thank you all for your comments. I have to be fair to my XGF here. She has been a wonderful support system for me the past few months and there is no part of me that thinks for a minute that she thinks I am a sex pervert. Well that may not be true LOL. At least not looking to harm our child sexually or anything like that. When I said she is homophobic I was referring to the type of homophobia that is in everyone... including you and me. But that is another thread and I don't want this one being hijacked. What I really need is some literature that I can use to help me make my case and change her mind. She's a reasonable person and just needs some coaxing in the right direction. I also need to keep in mind I have rocked her world over the past few months and she might need time to come around.
"Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" Dr Joe Kort http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Things-...6989410?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1391698208&sr=1-4 He has a webpage too; Joe Kort, Ph.D - Royal Oak, Michigan Watch both videos on Kort's site. Tom
Hi, Do you think your gf is being 100% honest with you? You might not hurt the child but all those perverted friends of yours. Tell her you are simply going to invite a gay friend over and watch the reality roll out of your supportive gf. Words are cheap, actions speak. Sorry. No denying reality. I would not be being supportive if I glossed over this. Tom
I do think that books can be very helpful for this and other topics. I told my daughter about me being a lesbian when she was around three years old. I did not want to not know who I really am. I did not want to feel hidden. For me it did not have one thing as all to do with sex.
I'd love to tell you it's a gay thing...it's a guy thing in large part...I took my second master's in elementary education...long story short I ended up wanting to teach content not skill...for all the crying that we need more men in the elementary schools...just student teach as one...you're looked at as a pervert/molester the miniute you walk in the door...a fox in the hen house. Fast forward to the current conversation. It's just an extention of this matriarchal system that controls the raising and early schooling of children. Here we are debating what is normal for a child experience. Sport, you had the audacity to step into your ex's one area of control over you!!!!! How dare you bring up the issue of your sexuality to the child. Even if your relationship is friendly how dare you overstep your bounds...I may have to accept your sexuality, but my child does not. You aren't talking about sex acts; you're talking about dealing with and accepting people like yourself. I can't imagine anything more innocent, yet because it deals in otherness it's corrupting. Just like the man teaching 2nd grade has to watch himself like a hawk so as not to do anything that could be seen as untoward. I feel for you ,Sport. Any residual animosity on her part? My youngest is 10. My wife and I also told the children that we'd be divorcing. She immediately was try to fix us up with the single men she knew. It really lightened the mood. I don't mean to offend any women who may read this, but this is what I experienced in elementary schools and with the women in my family.
I typed a long response earlier, tried to post it, and got a message that my IP Address had been banned. Trying again: make friends with LGBT parents. My 3 yr old is friends with the 4 yr old son of a lesbian couple I know. My daughter is not phased by him having a mom and a mama. Our church has several LGBT families with young kids. There are also meetup groups. This normalizes it without making it about you yet. ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2014 at 04:18 PM ---------- We have spent time with a couple (2 guys) from church who have a 2 and 4 year old. She's not phased by them either. The other families we know have kids younger or older than her. I have not come out to my daughter officially. But she knows my gf and sees us hug etc. (nothing explicit or inappropriate, obviously). Even before I was dating someone, I wanted my daughter to be ok with it just being the 2 of us at home. Her dad and I divorced when she was an infant. So I've been trying to normalize all sorts of families her whole life.