So, in the middle of yet another discussion about our upcoming divorce, my husband starts asking questions about our lack of sexual intimacy issues, hinting that he knows that I'm gay. So, I finally just sit him down, remind him of how I was raised (fundamentalist Pentecostal church, strict military father), and then I told him, yes, I'm gay. Then I promptly broke down and started crying uncontrollably, which totally took me by surprise, because although I was nervous, I never expected to cry. Immediately, my husband hugged me and kept saying it's okay, it's okay. Over and over until I calmed down. He says he's sorry I had to grow up that way and he's glad I could figure it out. He feels better about the divorce, because one, he kind of started wondering for a couple of years now, and two, he feels like he can lay most of the blame for our divorce on my being gay. I agree with number one but not number two. There are a lot of other issues there. Especially since as his way of trusting me like I trusted him by coming out to him, he told me tonight about the affair I never knew he had eight or nine years ago. So, I'm having a whole lot of mixed feelings about tonight. I'm glad he's finally clearing the way for an amicable divorce, and I'm glad he took my coming out to him so well. But on the other hand, I feel so stupid about never even suspecting he cheated on me. And now he also thinks everything we've talked about is negated as to our reasons for divorcing, which is totally not true, especially since a lot has to do with our children and how he interacts with them as their father. Ugh. My head is spinning. Just thought I'd throw this out here and maybe I'd be able to let it go for tonight at least.
Look at it this way... atleast you are ending up getting a divorce... it could be worse.. you could have been with him forever, never knowing he lied to you, and wasnt man enough about it to tell you :/ but atleast your divorce is amicable ^^
I suspect both of you are grieving for your marriage. For that reason, it is always easier to assign blame to someone else rather than taking it upon ourselves. Hence why he might feel that your homosexuality was the cause of the marriage's failure. I am glad you seem to be taking all of this-- the divorce, the separation, your newly-announced sexuality-- so peacefully. "It takes two to tango." That phrase is as true now as it was when originally written. The combination of reasons and variables surmounting to your marriage's ending, including his affair and your sexuality, are beyond count. Yes, some key topics helped hasten the approach of the divorce. But what occurred is not your fault. Period. As for his affair, perhaps he felt that your honesty in him should be reciprocated back. Vis-a-vis: that you, too, are entitled to know the "why's" of the marriage. I am uncertain of what his reasoning might have been. It was just a hypothesis. There is one idea I want to touch upon. "I feel so stupid." Although I am young and inexperienced, I do know that nothing is more pure and innocent than trust or faith. You were hopeful enough to give him your trust and sincere enough to maintain that trust. He betrayed it, without your knowledge or consent, and although this feeling of "stupidity" or "obliviousness" may pass, I hope your trust in others and faith in the goodness of people will still endure.
I think it is really really great that you did tell him... I wish my x husband and I had that talk, or anything similar!
Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts with me, you helped a lot. emkorora, you may be young, but you were able to cut right through to the issue in your last paragraph. It was the trust that was really messing me up. I felt like even with everything I'd been going through with figuring out my sexuality, I'd never betrayed him by being unfaithful to our marriage. I've known that there were issues with both of us we'd have to deal with, so maybe now we can. We've decided to plan our divorce for this summer so the kids will be able to stay in the home and school they are in now for the remainder of this school year. And this gives us time to work on the logistics anyway. At least my state has a fairly simple no-fault divorce if we can agree on things. Now for other news. I came out to my brother today. He was originally pretty taken aback, but declared he'd always be there for me and would always love me. So that's such a relief. I kind of thought he would be okay with it, but still was a bit scared. He did say he'd have to process how he viewed being gay with his religion and is very willing to talk with me about the resources I found, so that's cool. Overall, he said he had my back no matter what. I love my brother!
Hi greyskye, Thats so nice that your brother will be there for you. I was and am not close with my siblings. Good to hear that the divorce will be amicable. I am hoping ours will be too, for the sake of the kids.
That's awesome about your brother Greyskye. What resources did you tell him about? I'm just wondering. I need to come out to 3 of my siblings. They are all in their upper 20s or early 30s. I think they'll be ok but I hadn't really though about referring them to any particular resources. That's probably a good idea. As for your marriage, it's just so complicated. Even though I know that my marriage wouldn't have ever worked out because I am a lesbian, we didn't get divorced for that reason. I didn't accept my sexuality until I'd been divorced more than a year. And even now I still have anger at my exhusband from time to time about how he betrayed my trust during the marriage. I mean, logically that doesn't make sense but emotionally it does. I say that to say that you should expect the full range of emotions, and for them to fluctuate over time. It will get better as time goes by but it's not necessarily a straight path. Pun intended : ) Hang in there.
As parents, our first duty is to our children to make sure they know they're loved and cared for. To the best you and your soon-to-be-ex husband are able, maintain a positive relationship for the children. If you can agree to an amicable divorce, then kudos to everyone as it avoids the stresses on all of you with the meetings with attorneys, court dates and all the other hassles battling each other while (hopefully) trying to shield the children from the fight. And you've got your brother in your corner! Give him some support back so he can start to understand how you came to this point if needed. Having family back you up has to be a good feeling.
HopeFloats, the website I found has some articles that give different contexts on the so called "clobber" passages (their term) in the bible pertaining to homosexuality. Here is the link to the article page: Homosexuality and the Bible | gaychurch.orggaychurch.org I plan on printing some of the articles for my brother to read through and then hopefully we can discuss them. Eventually, I want to talk these over with my mom, who is very fundamentalist and I have no idea when or how I will be able to come out to her. She knows I don't believe that being gay is a sin and that I believe in gay marriage but she thinks I've "turned my back" on my upbringing. My counselor and I think she might suspect that I "think" I'm gay or that I'm "choosing" this because if my failing marriage. She has asked pointed questions then changed the subject and buried it like it never came up. We argue and then agree to disagree just to keep the peace. She did say she'd always love me no matter what. I just haven't figured out yet exactly how I'm going to explain everything in a way that I hope will answer at least most of her questions. She always says there is no one sin greater than another and that we must all work out our own relationship with God, but when it comes down to it, that's not what she practices. Sometimes, I think we've made a break through and the very next time we talk, it's right back to the same old rhetoric. I'm hoping my discussion with my brother will help me figure out how to approach my mom.
you are very lucky he is being that supportive. am going thru an ugly divorce now due to lost of reasons but a big one was my affair with a woman. I haven't admitted it to him as he would just use it against me in our upcoming divorce. he has repaid what he knows (but I did not admit) by sleeping with my best friend back home. Just take a breath and take one day at a time. good luck
hey that's good u came out to him and u should be glad you're getting a divorce you're soon to be ex husband didn't do so well of keeping his promise in you're marriage. Look on the bright side you're free and now u can go back on the dating site and I really hope for u u can find the woman of you're dreams.
Congratulations! You might feel uneasy about what your husband has told you but I hope both of you can remind yourselves that it takes two to tango. Once again, congratulations and wish you have an amicable and smooth divorce!
Congratulations. That is a hard first step. Skiff said it best though... Watch for the mood swings. Also, I'm not a psychiatrist or psycho analyst, but being gay was a betrayal to my husband in his eyes. Your husbands motives for revealing his indiscretion seem suspect. I think he was trying to hurt you, and it worked. The good news is.. Bc you have no question that you don't want to be with him it should hurt for a shorter time. That's been my reality. Good luck.
