How much information?

Who is the 21 year old; and is the 34 year old you, umm; depends if you really knew you were gay then that could be tough, but then I believe in a whole spectrum of what people like or don't like, society tells you that you grow up and get married and start a family, that is what everyone expects of you.
Getting married gives you stability. your parents, brothers and sisters, your friends will be happy they will think you have grown up.
Use what you want.

 

Keep it simple to start. Then let him ask questions. Back then we were not allowed to be who we were. It was not acceptable to be gay. The whole story does not need to come out at once. He will need time to process this. My son asked me 10 months after I told him "Why now?"
The right words will come,Tom. (*hug*)
Rose

 

My earlier post stands, although I wouldn't be saying I knew I was gay before I was married that line might be a lot to take in. You could go with the line that only weird people were openly gay, and you were just a regular guy like everyone else who thought it just needed to find the right girl to settle down with and start a family.

If you have to say something keep it short without having to lie then you can have problems; then if the questions comes then you can answer them.

 

I know this is going to sound off-topic at first, but I really am trying to answer your question...

Aside from my wife and therapist, I've come out to four other people. Three of the four are truly friends, and all of them simply accepted me on the spot. They all know I'm married (in fact, that I've been married twice), and they've all known me for a long time. But when I said to each of them, "I'm gay," they all reacted in the same way: a shrug of the shoulders and a quizzical look that said, "OK, so what's the big deal?"

Nothing like the situation you're facing, I know! All of them are older, from almost 50 to almost 70, and all are women, and none have the connection, history, and baggage with me that you and your son share. But if I had come out to someone 30 years ago, even if they had been accepting, they would have seen it as a big deal.

That, I think, is the core of the dilemma today when telling younger people. If they live in the right place, and are raised in a family that models acceptance and love, being gay is no big deal. So when an older person comes out, they ask, "how could she have made that decision, to live their lives in that way." It is as unthinkable as a man who loves women would choosing to spend his love in an intimate relationship with another man.

But here so many of us are. And you have to tell your son, who was raised in a more accepting and loving family, place, and time, about the decisions you made.

Finally, to the point... He certainly doesn't need all the details. Sex before marriage is much more the norm now than then, so that isn't the big deal. The big deal is that it was with another man, and that you then turned to his mom, your wife, to live what he may well feel was a lie. And if you're concerned that he may find out from someone else about your early history, or if you really feel that you need to come to him from a place of truth about your life, then I guess you have to face that big deal.

But can you face it head on? You knew you were gay, but you didn't see a positive life there. As you and others have said here, there were no positive role models. From the media and public perception, and possibly from your own experience, you saw that kind of life as destructive, not only to yourself, but to others as well. And you never wanted to bring that kind of destruction into the world. I think we all want to do good in the world--there's that Judaic principle of healing the world, again--but in your time and place, you couldn't see a way forward as a gay man. So you made a conscious decision. And he's your son! Could you ever regret his presence in the world, or the love you feel for him?

I know that you know all of this. If you're anything like me, all that I've said, if it accurately reflects your life--and how would I know--lives in your heart and mind constantly.

So I think you can tell him all of that, with some boundaries on the specificity of various details, and ask for his understanding. He's your son; hopefully, this will all be OK.

21 in today's world is a lot more sophisticated and accepting and understanding than 21 in your world or mine.

I hope I'm right. Because that's the kind of 21-year-olds I believe in.

Peace, Tom.

 

Tom, your sons love you deeply, always will.

That you're gay doesn't enter the equation. Whether you were gay before or after you married their mother doesn't enter the equation.

What can you tell them about why you married your wife? I think its a wonderful story, you wanted to create a life with a special person, a partnership in life, a partner to have a family with.

The questions that *may* come up, about "did you know you were gay beforehand" -- well, you can answer that truthfully. Yes, you did. That doesn't change the truth of your hopes, dreams, and love for family.

By far, the most important part of telling your boys isn't the specifics of your sexuality. Its about you trusting them enough to share who you are. Its about wanting to create a relationship where not only can you be open with them, they can be open with you.

I believe that it will also make so much clearer why you left home. And in some ways, it'll be not so much a rejection of your wife and family, whom I know you still care for and don't want to hurt, it'll be about -- why it just couldn't work any longer.

That your pain, which showed itself physically and emotionally, was intolerable. It was slowly killing you.

Of course, you have a brilliant mind. That did save you all these years. I, gently, suggest you not come from that place in your conversation or letter to your boys.

Tell your boys about your love for them, how amazing your years at home with them were, how thankful you are for those years, how thankful you are for their mother to have been your partner in making that possible.

And do tell them both. At the same time. And your wife. Don't ask anyone to hold secrets.

You're an amazing man... shine through to them. It'll be an amazing present to them.

 

the bottom line, Tom, is you raised your son to be a good man. He knows you love him. Be honest but don't get bogged down on the weeds of what happened before you and your wife were together. If he asks specifically about it, answer truthfully but he doesn't need names, places, dates, etc. Just enough to assure him that his place and your place in your relationship and in the family have not changed and never will; no matter where either of you live.

 

Tom -

I know how determined are to honest in all things. I can't begin to tell you how admirable that is, and cleaning out the closet is theraputic for all of us, but unless asked directly you are entitled to your privacy. You have and are still sacrifing for your boys. Confessing all may do you some good, but what benefit do your sons gain by it?

I don't believe any of us entered our marriages with the intent to deceive or some selfish need. I honestly still love my wife, despite the crap she's put me through. I am the one who turned the world upside down.

I think you've already done the heavy lifting with pursuing a divorce and having shared thi with your sons. My wife and I sat down with the kids and told them we wre getting divorced and that Daddy was gay. The far more devestaing news was the divorce. Daddy's still Daddy and though neither my 16 year old nor my 10 year old had any questions beyond my coming out, though I was prepared for what ever came. Now I'm aware of a big age gap between our kids, the bigger news was the divorce. I can't say it'll be the same for you, but I think your sons will argee.

You do not have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of honesty. Take your lead from you sons, please. You're good man and, clearly, a good father. You have the advice of wiser heads than mine.

(&&&)