I went to counselling the other day and the talk got round to me feeling suicidal. My counsellor said that it was almost as if I have killed myself because I wasn't allowing myself to be the real me. I'm not sure how I feel about this, although I know I have ignored my sexulaity for a long time I have always done other interesting things so I don't think my life has been completely wasted. I know what I need from my life and I know I need to be more open about myself and to make more progress with regard to getting involved with lgbt events near me but I do like to think that all the travelling I have done, books I have read, theatre etc has been worthwhile. I think she meant that I have used these things to not think about being gay, i'll concentrate on holidays (vacations) books, theatre instead of doing anything for my sexuality. But her comments have left me feeling confused and a bit useless.
It seems as if your counsellor was trying to lay a narrative on you that doesn't quite feel right. For what it's worth, you need to share that with him or her. Counsellors are people and counselling is devilishly difficult to do, because there is no single right answer. So correcting a counselor or telling them that you feel "confused and a bit useless" is important information to share and can lead to better insights for both of you. Only you can know if your other pursuits were meant to distract you from acknowledging your sexuality, or from genuine interest. I don't have the impression that's what your counsellor meant. It appears more that he or she was trying to address your talking about feeling suicidal by giving you a story that can help you navigate that. There is definitely more work to do in that regard for both of you. As an aside, there is a great problem with the idea of "being useful". To me that is an invitation to being used. What is wrong with just being? By all means, do something, but do it for love, do it for beauty or even just for the sake of doing it: art for art's sake and all that. Taking that point of view changes your perspective a bit on the value you place on what you do.
