how do I get past feeling selfish?

You can't process it because between two therapists and your wife, you're being run in complete circles and nobody is getting anywhere.

I sincerely hope that when you say "Her therapist says we can't because it's a sensitive issue" it doesn't mean your wife's therapist hasn't been telling her to avoid the issue altogether...that's a short term solution that cannot possibly help in this instance.

Your therapist is telling you something really helpful BUT it flies in the face of your gut instincts and everything else, not to mention what her therapist seems to be saying.

There are two things I want to say here. First I want to talk about what your therapist has told you, and second about your guilt. If I'm still talking sense by the end of it then it's all good (in theory)!

My therapist says I need to not assume what her response will be
You know, the more I think about how simple an instruction this seems at first glance, the more complicated I realise it actually is. When I first read that line I thought "this is a problem my mum has a lot". She "knows" what I'm going to say or what I've done, and she starts an argument (I would say discussion, but let's be honest, neither you or I are getting discussions out of this, are we?) and we have to completely different arguments going on. The one I need to have and the one she thinks we are having. All her responses are tailored to this idea that she already knows the answers to her statements. I usually get things like "You haven't even bothered to..." or "What's the point in..." and more often than not she is wrong. Now if we apply that to your situation that could be things like assuming she's doing to say that you can't talk about it, or guessing that she will burst in to tears.

Let's be honest, she probably will. I know my mum did every time I found I had to bring it up. I 'knew' she would every time I mentioned it. I 'knew' she was going to get angry about it. Only now I find myself on the other side of things and realising I've been telling mum off for it, even though I'm as guilty as her. I knew I had to bring it up but I was already defensive, or to use her words "Agressive" about it. She's right, I was, because it really really mattered and I was so scared she was just going to pretend it didn't exists.

I've put that bit in bold for the simple reason that it sums up my point. I was so scared of this that I never gave her the chance to prove me wrong. I always knew how she would react to the things I said. It doesn't matter that I was right every single time, I never gave her the chance to come to this discussion from a place of acceptance. I wanted her to, but even if she HAD she would have noticed how worked up I was and immediately changed to a different view. The minute she detected anger or fear in the form of aggression she felt like she was being attacked and her instinct kicked her to fight back.

If you're reading this without shouting "look you stupid bitch, I can't HELP that" I will be very suprised. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was change the way I approached mum about these things. I still haven't mastered it, but I did get better. All I managed to figure out was that if I bought it up when she wasn't busy with something else and I was calm, I could manage to say the words "Mum, I need to talk about..." and remain calm long enough for her to react. To give her time to react in whatever way she sees fit. She can't claim I was threatening or aggressive. Calm, quiet voice, open body language. If she reacts badly part of her knows it's her problem. I won't lie and say the conversations went well after that, but they went better. In fact the result of that was instead of having one colossal row once a week, we a small one every other day.

The day she got it most was the day I broke out in tears. The day I told her that I couldn't lose my mum. I told her that this wasn't a bad thing and all I want in the world is for her to realise it. That I'm not a bad person. That was the first time probably EVER I've spoken 'from the heart'. I mean it, literally ever. It didn't fix everything and we still argued but it helped. Perhaps I just showed that instead of this being something I'm trying to force on her, it showed that actually this was something that was breaking me, and had done for years. I think that was when she realised I wasn't being aggressive to make try and bulldoze her, but because I didn't know how to handle other emotions. I didn't know how to express fear or sorrow, and she saw that when I broke down in front of her. I'm not suggesting you have a breakdown or anything but it's something to think about.

Still with me? WHY! You must be bored!

GUILT! SELFISHNESS!
I don't need to ask you to name the selfish things your wife is doing/has done since you came out, do I? I think we've covered that so extensively in other threads it is not needed here. But I will ask you to think about those things.
I can't speak for the rest of your life but we can have a go at naming the selfish things you've done or want to do in your transition. Before I do that, I want to remind you of the definition of selfish: Something done for yourself, rather than for others.
-Change your wardrobe
-Change the dynamic of your relationship
-Change your body
-Alter your family unit
-Different name
-Change the dynamic of most of your relationships

And you know what, that is where my list ends. Perhaps you can add to it, and if you can, knock yourself out, but consider the following before you do.

When most people say something is 'selfish' they mean it isn't what THEY want. You will notice that my list is basically gender neutral. This is either genius or idiocy on my part. I've done it that way to prove a point. With the exception of one thing on that list (two at a push) I don't see how any of those things are the world-ending kind of selfish that you are being made to feel.

The one I picked out, is altering the family unit. You talk to any person who went through a divorce with kids and tell me how awful they feel. How they thought they should force it for the childrens sake. How many of them thought that the number 1 priority was to pretend that everything was fine until the children where old enough to know better. I'm guessing the answer is almost all of them.

This, as you may know, is nonsense. It's hard on children, it is. Anything that changes the family is a nightmare. BUT what is worse is when you KNOW something is wrong and nobody will tell you what it is. One morning when I was 7, I was sitting on the stairs by the front door. My mum answered it and promptly received a slap in the face. She closed the door between us and them and had an argument with my friends mum. Took me a long time to figure out what that was all about. Either way my brother and I knew something was up since mum and dad didn't exactly seem friendly that much and dad spent lots of time at work. Eventually they told us they were getting a divorced, which was really shit but it felt worse because our immediate thought was that we KNEW something was up and we didn't do anything about it. We could have behaved better or helped out more. You know, the things children think fix a broken marriage. I'm not sure how long they kept up the idea that they would pretend for, but I wish they hadn't bothered. They have both told me in no uncertain terms that they have been better able to be friends since they divorced than they probably ever were. They didn't have that between them.

Anyway, I picked it out because you and your wife are going to think about your children and she's already pulled the "think of the children" card so it's not like we even have to wonder when that's coming. Answer me this honestly, and it's not going to be pleasant to think about. Which would you rather do. Look into the eyes of children who resent you for what you've done, or have your children look in to the eyes of a parent who resents them for being the one thing stopping them from being happy?

I'm sorry for asking that, I really am.

How do you carry on with the guilt? By realising there isn't much guilt to be had. Guilt comes when you know you've done something that hurt someone in some way. But you shouldn't feel guilty if it isn't justified. I feel no guilt taking a sweet from Child A, when I know they just stole it from Child B, even though I know A really wanted it.

So yes, feel guilty about your children if you must, but know that you have a choice. You can focus on the guilt or you can focus on showing them that it isn't a bad thing. Being a woman may have broken your marriage but it doesn't have to break your family. You can feel guilty about how your wife feels, but know that while it is difficult she can get over it with time and help. Perhaps she will never love you the same way because she is straight, and that's fine. Remember, she doesn't want to be the one who broke the marriage either, and since you're happy to try and make it work and a mixed orientation couple, it lands on her to break it off. She doesn't want your children to look at her as the woman who took you away from them.

But the rest? Are you going to sit and feel guilty about wearing different clothes? About your relationship with your co-workers? Your wife wants to move Small Town, Nowheresville, so clearly she isn't too worried about personal and work relationships changing. If anything she is probably more scared that anyone she already knows is going to turn against her. I know my mum was. Better to cut off than to be cut off, right? No, not right at all, but when you're freaking out it seems like it is. And she is freaking out.

You feel guilty because you are bring about a lot of change. It affects a lot of people. But most importantly because you are being made to feel like that's the worst thing in the world. That everything ends because of you and your 'secret'. It isn't.

It isn't.

You and your wife both need to realise that the most important thing for you is to make sure that you are in a position to make your children accepting of this, because it isn't going away. One way or another they are going to have to deal with it. Whether you are still around or she takes them to live on an island in the middle of the ocean. Your (and her) friends and coworkers are important, but if you lose a couple of them is it the end of the world? It's horrible to think you invested so much time into a friendship and it ends because of this but in the end that's the POINT isn't it? Weeding out those people who aren't worth your time so you can focus on the ones who are.

I don;t know if you've tried it already (I'm sure you have) but perhaps next time, ask her what she thinks about the whole thing. Be prepared for the worst but don't anticipate any answers. Write down what she says. Ask her what she is worried about. Ask her what she wants to happen. If she can't answer one thing ask her something else and come back to it. Draw it out of her. If she says something that hurts acknowledge it and keep going. Don't react to it. You're not having a discussion and it's not going to become an argument. This isn't a two way conversation, this is you acting like a bloody saint and asking exactly what she thinks. You don't have to DO anything about it, just let her voice it. It's all well and good her telling her therapist the things she wants YOU to hear, but in the end it doesn't close anything for her. When she's done, if she's up to it, you can tell her what can't happen. You can tell her that this isn't something you chose. You can remind her that this could be the best thing that ever happened to you and you want more than anything for the children to see it that way, something that won't happen while you both try and pretend it doesn't exist. Note the bold. Anything YOU say is for both of you. You're playing god here, you are taking her problems and pretending you share them because you need her to know she can deal with them. The second you say "You have to..." and you've lost her. It becomes a versus match.

I hope some of that makes sense.

 

My best advice in direct answer to your posted question is to recognize that *everyone* is due some selfish periods in their life. When you're sick with the flu, is it selfish to stay home until you feel able to contribute normally? It sure can feel that way...but rationally we all know some sacrifices for the sake of self are necessary. If you are being selfish to transition, then has your wife been being selfish all this time she's been benefiting from your male persona, and not urging you toward self-actualization? Why is her selfishness more valid than yours? Aren't you the one currently in distress?

It's only those for whom *everything* must revolve around them...always...that are selfish people. Everyone else is just living life.

 

Guilt is a normal part of coming out to and accepting ourselves; I definitely went through a similar phase involving sexuality, and like others have said, it comes from going our entire lives trying to live up to other people's expectations and demands while ignoring our own. Imagine that: we feel guilty for making a choice that is necessary for healthy and honest living.

What's really selfish is expecting someone who is obviously struggling with their issues, and expecting them to deny or repress it, for the sake of conformity. A lot of people tried telling me I was confused, wanted to fit in, was going through a phase, etc. A part of me, the one that didn't want to accept myself and go back in time, took some comfort in this, but a deeper, more honest part of me fought against it non-stop. I was playing a violent game of tug-and-war for a while.

You can't try to make everyone happy, and if your issues are left unresolved, it's going to ripple out and affect everyone negatively. Wouldn't it be much better for at least one person (you) to feel fulfilled? I'm also genderqueer, and while my transition might not be exactly like that of a trans woman, I find a lot of the initial steps are similar, and right now, am having to hide certain items of clothing from my semi-conservative family. I've kept the issue quiet around them, but definitely haven't given up on pursuing my goals.

 

Emma, and what is your dream? To fully transition and stay married?

 

Maybe
Keep calm
And
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.
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Drink wine???

 

And is it possible to have a same sex marriage in Nebraska? I am not sure where you are now in the relationship - trying to stay and not transition? Or stay and make your marriage open?

 

Damn I'm not competing here.

I'll keep it simple because it's what I believe.

Be happy with yourself before you are able to make others happy.

You know me I'm not lazy in responses. That's as simple as it is in my opinion.

 

Emma has a family and kids. If her doing makes her loved ones unhappy, will she be able to be happy with herself?

 

Yes, I get that. But if you want to transition, you have to divorce, right?

 

THe point is will she ever be happy and will that bring everyone else down since she is unhappy.

Weigh the benefits and drawbacks of being happy with yourself vs making your family happy (how much happiness with THAT will bring you).

So my simple concept of do what makes you happiest is the best course of action I still say.

 

I have no idea, I am not from NC

But if you are sure you want to transition, then work on the divorce. I had a feeling you didn't want to divorce, so that made me pretty confused...