How do i do it?

Hey Gaboy1999, welcome to EC!

I quote Nietzsche a lot, I think this applies here:

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

Do you have a "why"? Do you have a clear idea as to the reason for shaking things up? You said you don't feel married, well, what would being married feel like for you?

You are gay, what does that mean to you? Is it sexual, emotional, or both?

If you are clear about your purpose, the "how" will take care of itself and it will be bearable.

 

You don't come out. You are right in the consequences for others. You are right. Now you try to carry this burden with honor. Just stay close to support. We will help you here.

 

What if coming out means changing lives positively, rather than "screwing them up," as you put it?

What if it means being honest with yourself, your kids, and your community? What if it means opening doors, even saving the lives of others by being open and honest about who you are?

All of this sounds perhaps unduly optimistic. It's not easy, and nobody is doubting that.

As I just told another here, I'm frequently astonished and impressed by how even the most conservative and religious families and communities have the capacity to reframe their views. When someone close, loving, and honorable comes out, many people show compassion and sensitivity when you least expect it.

If you're fearful and doubtful, all of us understand. But you've already reached out for support here, and that's a great sign. Ask many questions, and we're all here to make this change in your life as good of an experience as possible.

You are not alone; it just feels that way.

Welcome to some challenges, but a brighter and more honest future.

 

hmmmm.... everyone's situation is different. How does staying in the closet impact you? How is it impacting your relationship with your wife? With your kids? How old are they?

You've been married 18 years and it feels like you're living with a friend. Sounds familiar to me.

You started out by saying you want to come out and get a divorce. Let's start by taking that at face value and evaluate why? Are you looking for a physical relationship with a man? Is it becuase you're not intimate with your wife, or becuase you feel driven from within to have male companionship? Why do you feel a divorce is the immediate first step after coming out? If you have younger children like I do, coming out is just the tip of the iceberg of this process. Would you and your wife work out some emotional separation while preserving the family unit for the children? What happens if you meet someone in the meantime and want to pursue that relationship? Are you prepared to introduce your kids to a new relationship?

It's by no means a cut-and-dried solution that you either must come out and move on, or must stay closeted and celibate for the rest of your life. Only you can know what is right for you, and we're here to help you work through the questions and share insights and experiences when we can.


Hang in there, we'll get through it! (*hug*)

Richard

 

Not much to add that has not already been said....What you do really depends on what you want and need. There are a vast number of options, and going in one direction because it seems like the logical step right now doesn't necessarily mean that things won't shift as time goes by. The important thing is to evaluate and re-evaluate, and keep moving forward in the direction that you're most comfortable with. Coming out is about reclaiming your honesty and integrity about who you are, first and foremost. We're all basically driving cross country without a map, with some of us further on the trip than others. We can all help steer you around the detours and bridges that are out. You can do this--whatever "this" turns out to be!

John

 

Hi,

Welcome. Big hug!

Being gay is not simply about sex. For me it touches every aspect of my identity from spirituality, to love, to passion, to purpose, to self. It has to come out or I am living a total farce. Being married to a woman I was wearing a clown suit, complete with grease paint and red nose.

So damn good to be out of that lie. If you are spiritual;

"6. His disciples asked him and said to him, "Do you want us to fast? How should we pray? Should we give to charity? What diet should we observe?"

Jesus said, "Don't lie, and don't do what you hate, because all things are disclosed before heaven. After all, there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed, and there is nothing covered up that will remain undisclosed."

Are you lying and living a lie?

This is your life. You only get one life. Ask StillAround about being 69 married and gay and if carrying the burden of sexuality was a choice he would recommend.

Nobody can tell you what is correct for you. We can share our experience with you (very common themes), but it is your journey, your timeline.

As for my opinion on continuing to carry a bad burden, I agree with Einstein; "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

We can share and support but your resolution is yours to discern. The more you share the more you will learn.

Tom

 

I'm good friends with a closeted gay pastor. Odd. Your not mike are you? Lol

People pleaser comes to mind. Like most us LIL folks. Time to think of our own happiness I think

No situation is helpless

 

Hi GayBoy,

Listen to GreatWhale, choirboy, skyblue, skiff, and GayDad, and others here. They're not just random guys. They've been thru the furnace whose heat you're just beginning to feel. Some of us here are close to cool, fresh air; some, like you and I, are going to be in that furnace for a while. But it's like tempering steel--it will make you stronger.

Skiff suggested that you "Ask StillAround about being 69 married and gay and if carrying the burden of sexuality was a choice he would recommend." Thanks, skiff, for referencing me here, though it doesn't feel much like a compliment. /joke

No, I wouldn't recommend it. I did in the context of time and place, in the days of Anita Bryant, and then, later, AIDS. I understand my choices, and I'm slowly making peace with them, something we all have to do as part of this process we're helping each other through. Could I ever imagine doing this to myself and the ones I love again. No way, buckaroo. This burden will eat you up, and will damage you, and will leave painful scars that just become more painful with each passing day, like degenerative nerve pain.

You have to ask yourself the questions posed by the wise men who posted above me. You may need to see a gay-friendly therapist to help you think about your answers and what they mean in your life. You may find answers here at EC, a site I reached out to just 3 weeks ago, and that has provided so much help and comfort to me.

So if you can, sit down, take a deep breath, and start reading threads here. When you're ready, just start telling your story, and many will respond. You're not alone in this. We're all here for you.(*hug*)

 

StillAround,

I have the deepest respect for you. I know what it is like carrying this burden fewer years than you, you have deep wells of experience, patience and stability. You sir are a beacon to those younger. You are processing this so well.

It is no insult or joke when I direct somebody to you.

Tom

 

Gaboy1999, I write here as a man who went to div school, was in ministry for a couple years, left because of my (then) wife's mental health issues.

I came out last year and have connected with many gay pastors and church leaders. its still tough in many places. Its amazing and wonderful in many places.

There is a young gay pastor who is (was) on these boards who left his church synod, which is not receptive to gay leaders, moved, and is now on the next step of his journey and pastorate.

Hugs!

Pete