Does it get better and if so when?

I think a you need to find some nicer guys... There are loads of them about...

Join a club, or dating site, or something.. Maybe some counselling.

 

It is depressing being isolated with your sexulaity. Things will get better when you find some gay friends. In the meantime you have plenty of people here to support you.

Have you tried to talk to your family again, they may be waiting for you to talk about or may not realise this is an issue for you. It may not be the right thing to do but do think aboit trying to talk to them again. Good luck

 

Hi,

Personally I don't expect to talk to family about my sexuality. I do not know anybody who discusses sexuality with family. I have no clue what my family members do or don't do sexually. I don't want to know either. I told them I am gay and it is not discussed just like being straight.

Gay men are mean... I would use a lot of words but mean is not one of them.

Very visual
Trust issues
Relationship issues
Monogamy issues

But that all goes back to societal rejection and oppression shaping gay culture. If I had to pick a couple words it would be "superficial" or "shallow". Those are simply emotional self defence barriers to avoid emotional hurt. And it is not all gay men, simply enough to show a trend.

Many gays are not like that. Look at the closeted gays coming out here, they used a totally different strategy to avoid the emotional pain of societal rejection and oppression. As a rule they are not superficial, shallow or "mean". Many married had children are good decent people suffering in the shadows.

I suggest you change the venues you are meeting men at. You are shopping the demographic that is wrong for you.

Tom

 

asdf38,

You do sound quite depressed, and it's understandable. It sounds like you feel profoundly isolated.

First, thoughts of ending your life are not unusual, but they're also not a good sign. You've expressed the sort of "passive" thoughts like "what if I wasn't here anymore?" That doesn't feel good, but it doesn't sound like imminent danger. I do think it's worth talking to a professional when you feel this way.

This is going to be complicated in Salt Lake City, but maybe you can track down a gay-friendly therapist. The likelihood is higher at a place like the University of Utah. You will probable need to spend some time on Google to figure out your best options.

As far as a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy goes with your family... yes, I had that for years. And I still have it to some degree. The fact that they asked for "time" is actually not the worst. You're still in their lives, they're just struggling. The LDS church has been evolving; even BYU now has a gay/straight group. The world is evolving fast, and perhaps your family will evolve as well.

And about finding a boyfriend... I didn't go on a date until I was 26 or 27, and nothing more than that until I was 31. Yes, it's really lonely. And I'm single now (I turn 39 on Friday.) But, Salt Lake City is a big place. I have met at least two gay people from there. There are undoubtedly other guys to befriend--even become more than friends. I know how tough it is. But it's tough, not impossible.

Big hug.

 

To the OP -

What keeps you in SLC? Utah is conservative, owing to the preponderance of LDS church members in the area. If you're not close with relatives and could do similar work in another city, maybe it makes sense to move to a different place.

As for "mean" gay guys, I've heard a lot of stories over the years, which do seem to relate to the environment in which the guys live.

In gay-friendly areas, the "meanest" guys are ones who have become extremely superficial and judgmental. This comes from having a bevy of hot guys around all the time. These kinds of guys expect movie star looks, CEO wealth, and overall extreme "fabulousness," and look down upon those who don't measure up to those lofty standards. These kinds of guys can never be pleased (see the documentary, "The Adonis Factor").

In unsupportive areas, gay guys can become maladjusted from living in a hostile environment. These guys have an extreme siege mentality and tend to lash out at everyone around them (even potential friends, dates, and allies) in order to make themselves feel superior. They take "out and proud" to an extreme and have zero tolerance for guys who are in a different place on their journey.

The only advice I can give there is to avoid either of these two "types" as they do not make for good friends or 'husband material.' I've found the most genuine, level-headed guys in activity-oriented social groups, not in bars or nightclubs.

 

Try PFLAG. I'll bet there's a chapter in SLC. Also google LGBT activities in SLC. I'm hoping there's a nicer bunch of people out there. Certainly my experience knowing several gay men near me in their 20's tells me that there are.

You just have to keep trying. You'll find someone.

 

It definitely can get better, but you're probably going to have to change something. Whether that means forcing the issue with your family, moving or just finding a better class of guys. I think I have some idea where you are coming from--I'm actually from Salt Lake City and my family is Mormon (I guess I don't know that your family is--but it seems like a distinct possibility). Salt Lake is a actually a relatively diverse place--I was surprised when I would visit what a thriving gay community they had--maybe you just need to find other places to encounter gay people. The main thing though is to keep hoping for something better--and find something, even something small, you can do to make that possibility just a little more real each day. Good luck!

 

When I hear someone saying they "want to die", I analogize them to the Titanic, shooting off flares, hoping to attract human attention, because they have isolated themselves and aren't getting any proactively from other people. This is not because there is no one out there for you, it is because you are not doing what you need to to find them or for them to find you. Start by going to the gym, where gay guys are known to collect. There is usually one particular one where a lot of them do, and there is eye candy to enjoy there while you are looking, improving your own health and appearance, and using exercise and the endorphins it releases to fight your depression. Get a bike and go riding with your local cycling club; it's impossible to be depressed while you are riding, and there are a lot of tight butts and muscular calves in spandex to smile about. If you are able to tolerate drinking and being around people who do, find out the gay bar(s) where gay men congregate; different age ranges often pick different places; find one near you and get out and meet people. Check out the local universities for gay-straight alliances; they may not be the place for you but you can network out from there to other organizations; many large cities have such organizations independent of schools, such as gay men's choruses or bear clubs or other such male-to-male social organizations.

If your depression, and it does sound like you have it to some degree, is not dealt with, it can get worse, so take the steps to prevent that by having a good time right now and meeting people to help you do so; they don't all have to be gay; straight people have gay friends they can introduce you to; sometimes you find them by getting involved in hobbies that have nothing to do with being gay or straight. Liberal political organizations often attract gay people who want to be involved in political actions, which means they are "active" rather than "passive" personalities, so they may be the kind of people who would take the initiative to interact with you.

If you feel that you have exhausted the local possibilities, then think about moving to a more gay-friendly location. There are plenty of gay-friendly males in San Francisco who are not "religious bigots". Or Ft Lauderdale or Key West, or NYC, or ... Whatever you do, don't just sit there until your disinteresting life turns into clinical depression, or the constant religious negativity towards gay men around you gets you completely down. Move on while you are still young, good looking, and very much alive. Your life is special and a gift; don't even think about wasting it when all you need to do is go out and take the steps to enjoy it. It will get better when you make it happen. (*hug*)