Another dip on the roller coaster ride

Keep being amicable. This too will pass. Don't feed her anger and it will die. Feed it and it will grow.

Be Buddha a while longer. Better for you.

Don't bottle it up, just let it roll off. Relax. Be comforting. Respond in positive tones. This will pass.

Learn to meditate. Even simple forms help. Download a guided meditation. Use it daily.

http://new.ted.com/talks/andy_puddicombe_all_it_takes_is_10_mindful_minutes

Tom

 

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry to hear crap like this! It just drives me insane when a parent tries to use their children as weapons to get back at the other parent. It's just cold-hearted. And, if the kids are aware of what's going on... I'll just lay it out how I really feel... it's just another form of child abuse. No parent has the right to use their children like this, whether the kids are aware of it or not.

---------- Post added 10th Feb 2014 at 08:48 PM ----------

OK, Tom's being more level-headed than I am, so +1 for Tom! By all means, don't feed her anger; but if you're both still in counselling or mediation or whatever, somehow get the attack mentality addressed before it bleeds into other parts of the family dynamic.

 

Pete,
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't quite so simple at the moment.

The "you're selfish" argument is so frustrating. It's hard to defend, so it's an easy line to use. Many use "selfishness" as an attack on homosexuality (my parents did). As if it's some sort of decadent indulgence.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to take the high road. Be as kind, genuine, and calm as you can possibly be. From the little I know of you on this board, you have genuine concern for others, empathy, and you're articulate. With all of those qualities on board, you're likely to be a good father as well.

So hold on as the roller coaster continues. But I urge you not to fall into her trap of making you feel guilty or somehow egocentric.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.

 

Hi,

I did not discover meditation on my own. No I have a tremendous friend in the real world who has taught me, is teaching me to "let it go".

He is just like many of us; married, children, and gay. He came within a hairs breathe of being successful in a suicide attempt and I thank God every time I chat with him that he failed in his suicide. He is an inspirational blessing to me a true and joyous friend.

Take the 10 minutes daily, clear your head. Don't let the trash rot.

Tom

 

Sounds tough.., how r u dealing with it so well?

 

Pete,

Do you have a mediator involved in the process? If not, I strongly recommend one. They're really good at letting each party vent, but still keeping negotiations on track.

And I know it hurts, but whatever she says to you has no bearing on the eventual outcome. Like Tom, I recommend meditation and mindfulness. Google is your friend.

Whatever your wife is saying is coming from a place of hurt and anger. She needs to let this out before she can get past it. Calm voice, steady hand, restrained response. This is hard. I have no kids, but my first marriage ended this way. And her lawyer fed her anger (even though she was the one who cheated on me--another blog entry for another day).

 

Pete -

First things first (*hug*).

My wife and I are in mediation. Rather than blow the wad on lawyers who are going to be aggessive and adversarial. It's been an ice box, very civil on the whole, but she's clearly distancing herself from me. The discussion this week is the children and custody, so I don't know how things will play out. She's not sharing. Regardless of what she does I still tell her each night and each morning that I love her, which is the truth. If there are feelings for your wife tell her, be honest. This isn't the time for lacy Valentine's. Keep offerring to do things for her around the house even if she refuses the help. It'll go a long way when the dust is settled and the air's cleared.

What you wife doesn't have the right to do is abuse you or threaten you. She can be angry all she wants, but not the other. It's a bitch, and I feel for you. So many of us are going through it. Hang tough, Brother.

Tim

Here's one more before you go to bed (*hug*).

 

Its really frustrating when people say things like "you ruined my life". What would she rather you do? Stay and ruin yours? Hmmm yes selfish of her. (sorry it had to be said)

I sometimes wish life could be cookie-cutter perfect but once you reach a certain age its obvious thats not the case.

I wish you the best going forward with this *hugs*

 

My advice to you, for what's is worth is to be careful. In any negotiation there are two mindsets, either win-lose or win-win. If she is inching toward win-lose, you're going to have to lose a little naiveté and realize that you also have to play win-lose. You will need to be as organized, as informed and, if necessary, be seeing a lawyer (most probably she is seeing one as we speak).

Win-lose mode will have to be maintained until she comes to her senses and starts to play win-win.

By all means, maintain your serenity, but this should be the serenity of a samurai warrior; sorry to be so blunt, but you're not dealing with the person you thought you knew.

I know of what I speak.

 

You're both hurting a lot right now. She's angry because you were supposed to be her forever guy to make things all right for her. Now that she knows you're gay, in her mind it's your fault you took her happily-ever-after away. It's not your fault; you are trying to do the best you can to get through life, tried being a good husband, trying to be a great dad. I can't imagine what else she can realistically expect from you? :tears:

Things can never be what they used to be, even if you both wanted them to be. The bell cannot be un-rung. Stay focused on your kids and look after yourself. I wish there were something to be said to make it all just go away. (*hug*)

Rich

 

Well you can't be surprised that she is disappointed. I have no idea what she has invested in the relationship (career, money, dreams?). But she was probably doing it because she thought that she would get something back in a long term. You just told her that she wouldn't.

I would be careful about telling her you love her. "I love you but I want to divorce you" is definitely not a winning combo.

 

Geez, God forbid you would want 50/50 so you can spend as much time with your KIDS as possible, right? Tom's right, try to be the calm one in all this. It will make you look better all around, most importantly in the eyes of the kids. This really IS about them and what's best for them, after all. You clearly know that. Take care.

 

Part of what makes EC such a great place is that something comes up in one thread, and then spreads to another, like some giant thought network.

Rather than thinking about using the same lawyer, how about using a mediator?

The thing is, lawyers are trained to be adversarial and confrontational. They're not all that expert in handling amicable divorces. But mediators are trained to help opposite sides find common ground. They know how to let people vent, to calm them down, to find common ground. They have all kinds of experience with child custody and financial issues.

There are also therapists who work with people who are trying to disengage. Helping them come to terms with what's going on and move toward acceptance. And their specialty is in dealing with the emotional issues.

Good luck in this. I hope it works out.

 

Excellent point, StillAround, you are exactly right, lawyers are there for a fight, it's just part of the territory (to a hammer, everything looks like a nail).

Mediation and associated costs for settlement will be about $1000, go the lawyer route and you're talking 15 to 30K. That's serious money for the dubious satisfaction of screwing your ex (and not in a good way).

The lawyers don't mind, this goes a long way to paying their kid's educations, or the repairs on their "bimmers". It's an incredible and destructive waste of money and guarantees years of subsequent acrimony (long after the lawyers have been paid or either of you go bankrupt, whichever comes first).

 

Lots of lawyer's for friends...Love 'em, but there there for the fight and the billable hours...They the only people that can turn a twenty dollar toaster into a four hundred-fifty objet d'arte...Be cautious...A mediator will make sure the twenty dollar toaster remains a twenty dollar toaster...

 

Wow, pete, that's just, well cold. ok, obviously you boh know the relationship is transitioning but I can't imagine her being intimate with her friend and then just casually emailing, oh by the way after multiple times and after sharing the bed with you.

Just a question, why do you have to leave the bed? why is it the guy who leaves the bed even when he didn't do anything? just asking.... rhetorically.

only thing I can say is done let her force your hand on when you talk to your kids. do that on your terms in your own time. unless you junk she would out you to them to be spiteful, in that case you may want to get ahead of the ball before she spikes it. just sayin'.