Hi everybody First time here, I'm an absolute beginner! I'm bisexual and I've known it since my later teens, and accepted after a period of fear and confusion. I had fallen in love with several boys, and just experienced a light physical attraction towards girls but always thought it was like me being envious of their beauty. All of the above untill one day I felt the strongest sexual attraction ever for my female karate teacher when I was in my 20s. She was pretty androgynous, both in her looks and in the way that she acted, and I soon assumed she could be a lesbian. I also felt like she was hitting on me, I was kind of her favourite student, she was always complimenting me, checking me out, even spanking my booty (OMG that was hard to handle :tears, After 2 years of attending her classes, we had become very close, we used to speak about very personal stuff. She was much older than me (like 13 years) and she saw me growing up into a full blown woman. I knew she had a boyfriend. I remember at a point she started violently blushing every time she said hello to me, she acted weird around me. One day we where practicing before my Dan examination, and she was looking at another guy who trained with us and said " omg I can't stand him. Would you go lesbian if he was the last man on earth?" and I felt incredibly awkward...because at the time I was in love with her, but scared to death by my first homo-crush. So I answered "well...sometimes I have thought about....hhmm crossing the line, experimenting....who knows!" She stared at me for a few seconds and then said very loud to the entire class" oh...I...I wouldn't. I mean, yeah you look at woman because they are pretty but that's it I mean, having sex with one....ewwww just the idea freaks me out!! I've had lesbians hitting on me several times,they are just disgusting,they want to touch you right away and are so obsessed.." So that was it. I felt so guilty. Time passed, she still had a boyfriend, still was weird around me, still was homophobe. One day another girl of the team had fallen on the floor because she was tired, and she told her "you'd better get up because I don't perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation on women!!" I felt horribly thinking she was somewhat referring to me. The weirdest thing was that everybody in her environment told me they had always thought she was a closeted lesbian, and that I should go for it. So one day I spoke directly to her in person, because my feelings had become unbearable to hide. I told her I was sorry that I was acting cold towards her and jeopardizing our friendship, but I was very confused. She spoke to me in a very calm and motherly way, telling me it was normal at my age to experience such feelings and that I should't define myself, just wait and see what that could have meant in the future, and that was it. I left the class to clear my thoughts and she was very worried, constantly asking my friends about me. So I came back for a few months and then left for good. Now after 6-7 years I've seen her again. She is married now and I'm training at her gym. She was really happy to see me again, but she's acting really weird. She looks at me constantly, she has a huge smile and turns bright red everytime we speak or just make eye contact. When we are close she gets nervous if there are other people around us and her voice trembles. She follows me everywhere. So the point is: what made me feel so sad when I was younger, was the thought of having completely misinterpreted her behaviour. I felt like I was mad, not reasoning right. But now, being much more mature, experienced ( I've had many relationships with both man and women), self confident and cool, I still see those same signals. If she was a guy I'd say she's acting like someone who is in love. But she's a married woman. So I'm asking you, have you ever refused the love of a person you liked back when you where still in the closet? Repression and denial, do these things really exist??
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I Can't say that I've ever done that - even though I didn't come out until I was in my mid 30s and was married to a woman at the time. In my experience I had not ever crushed on a guy - it was only a physical attraction that I would indulge when I was alone. But everyone's journey has been different. It is unfortunate that this person is struggling (it would seem) with their orientation. But in the end, each person has to find their own way, in their own time. She might still at some point decide to come out (assuming she is gay) or she may not. That will be up to her, and there isn't anything you can do, other than to be open and honest and authentic with her.
