I don't wanna let go of my wife...

That can be a good solution. When you think it is really the thing you want, talk to your wife about it.

 

Hi,

Since your wife has equal input you can only compromise at best. You cannot be selfish.

 

First of all, don't take advice from anybody. People can give you information. You make the decisions.

Spend as much time with your wife and kids as you guys want. Keep in mind no matter what your kids are always your kids. Nothing changes that.

Lots of people have open marriages.

Marriages fail for all kinds of reasons. If you lose your wife, it won't be an unusual event.

Divorce and child custody/support can get very ugly.

 

This.

As harsh as this seems it kind of feels like you're not taking your wife into consideration. You want what's best for you, which would be having your cake and eating it like you said, but to do that you'll have to ignore what's best for her. You can't.

 

Rich,

We all what we want. We just don't always get to have it. I know, small comfort...

Your wife is angry right now, and probably bitter and resentful. She feels abandoned, with cause, I think. But if you stay true to yourself and to her, if you give her the space she needs, there may come a time when she'll be willing to redefine rather than abandon a relationship with you. This is the hard part, Richie.

You don't know what you really want yet, and you won't know for a while. This is a roller coaster you're on, and you have to ride it out. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist soon.

Something to think about, though... Your wife has I think, every right to dictate the terms of your interaction with her. She's an adult, and she gets to decide who to spend time with and when. But your kids are different. You have every right to see them. And I don't know what the custody laws are in the UK, but here joint custody is a very normal thing. And what's good for your kids is to see you as often as they need to in order to feel that you're still their dad, and that you love them, and will always be there for them. Your wife might not want to be present when you're with your kids (that's her right) but I don't think she has any right to deny you access. This is something I think you need to stand firm on.

Things will get better, Richie. (*hug*)

 

I hear you Richie,

Now that the day is getting closer and she is moving on, it is getting hard to let go. After all our problems the last few years, I didn't think it would be this hard to let go

 

I'm not surprised that it's hard letting go. After all, you have invested years in the relationship, and even if there are huge issues, it's familiar and routine. It's certainly one of the reasons that I have not run out and filed for divorce yet. I keep hoping for us to come to something closer to a friendship, however silly and pointless that may be (especially considering that most of our relationship has been based on what works for her rather than us.

For us, though, neither of us is in the position or the mindset to completely make a break. I know it will happen, maybe sooner, maybe later, but when it does, we have to be realistic and love the other enough to let them have their own life. There will be tears and regrets involved, and there will be a part of me that wishes we could make it work and stay together. But Richie, you really don't want to keep living some kind of half-life, do you? And you certainly wouldn't want to force her to do the same. But it's rough.

 

Rich, I would have been surprised, no shocked, if you came on here and told us you were moving on no problem. You and your wife have too much invested in your relationship with each other and your kids for it to not be difficult going through this transition.

Here's the deal: You're not walking away from your family. You're doing everything you can to stay involved as a father for your children. You're doing everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your wife, both for your own sakes and for your children. If she feels like she needs some distance to deal with the transition, give her that space. But do not do it at the expense of your relationship with your children. Talk to her and work out an arrangement. Maybe take the kids a night or two during the week after school and have dinner. Maybe weekend excursions, doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive, just spend time as a dad with your kids.

I'm living vicariously through you and others at this point, so maybe I'm talking out of my ass on this. I'm just saying how I hope I'm able to handle things when the time comes... Hope it helps process the options at least.

-Rich

 

I'd agree. I move out in the next week or so. I'm finding it hard thinking that 15+ years of being married and everything that we've been through is for nothing (her words). I do have regrets. I regret not being able to love her truly in a way that a man can desire and love his wife. I see all the Valentine' stuff around the shops and think of the cards I've bought her to show how much I loved her, and yes I did. But there was always that hidden part of me that truly desired to be held by a guy. Richie, you've experienced that now. I've experienced that now. I can't go back to being held by a woman, my wife or not. I love her, but in the deep way I would love my brother, sister, mother or father. I don't look at her and go wild inside.

I know that the moving out will be hard for everyone, but the options of staying just don't feature any more. Too much has happened these last few months and realistically I'd need to change personality now to make it even work half as well as it did before I came out. I'm a different person - more honest about himself and comfortable about that too.

i couldn't expect her to live a life where I stayed here, but went out frequently to hook up or half a relationship on the side. If it's good for me, it would have to be good for her and she's not that kind of person.

Keep strong.