I thought I had my feelings back for my husband but they are gone again. Mainly because I had a dream about my best friend from high school, I girl I miss dearly but lost contact with 10+ years ago (also she was not a good friend at all, but I think about her often). I think I may be in love with her. Anyway, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, again my issues are coming from my children. I was so excited to have our 2nd baby (18 months ago) I was convinced I had an ocd issue or other type of issue that made me "cling" to women. But as soon as my feelings come back for women, I lose all for men. I was excited to finally be the mom I always wanted to be. My oldest daughter I had when I was 20 and I was very distant from her. I still wanted to be with my friends/had school/my bf etc. I had to grow up fast. Now with the baby, I feel the same way, I don't even feel like a mom...I feel like I'm 16. I'm trying my best to hold everything together but its falling apart. Its like I want nothing to do with my kids and the further I let myself think about being a lesbian the more they are not in the picture.
Do you think that perhaps not all of this can be explained by your attraction to women? I sense there are several issues all jumbled up here that need untangling. For your sake, and the sake of your kids, are you able to seek professional help?
Hi Greatwhale, I am actually on a waiting list to a lbgt therapist and for now am seeing a regular counsellor, who is not helping. Well, she is kind of, but the more I speak about this, the more it just seems like I had my oldest way too young and and I'm discovering my true sexuality. I just keep telling her I need to leave my family - including my children to figure everything out. I only seem to like my kids when my feelings are around for my husband. Most days I just want to sit on the computer on sites like this/research sexuality. I don't know how to find myself with my kids around.
The guilt that these feelings are generating in you must be quite a burden. Having raised three kids, I know how difficult it is to find the time to think, but it's not impossible. I really do think there are other issues that you need to work out with professional help. Yes, being newly gay can be an all-consuming preoccupation, but there is time for both: there is time for your kids and there is time for you.
I feel like my kids are a burden and I can't wait till they grow up so I can be free to live my life. My husband is currently working 16h days because I have lost all interest in my job. I rarely see him. The baby is really hard to take care and I rarely interact with my oldest. I'm upset that I cannot enjoy my children (or don't want to enjoy them). When I found out that these feelings weren't going away for women after I had my 2nd I completly diconnected from her. I didn't even think of a name. I just don't seem to care about my kids when I think I'm gay. My therapist wants me on meds but I don't know how that's going to help me. I've had emotional issues since I was 11, I just feel really messed up.
Thanks, I just really want to leave my life behind. I want to erase the last 10 years and go back in time and since I can't, I can only do what I can...and my kids will hold me back.
I know how you feel, I think we who have married when we shouldn't have all deep-down wished that we could go back in time and start over. But there is something to be said about believing that things happen for a reason...who knows, your kids may invent a cure for cancer or create something the world has never seen before. Who knows, but maybe you needed to have them in order to become the person you are now.
I really, really hope that you don't put "being gay" and "not liking kids" together in your head. And for all abandoned and not loved teenagers here at EC I really hope that you wake up and actually LISTEN to the therapist who is trying to help you. You are not a single teenager anymore, you have responsibilities and you can't just run away from them. Either listen to your therapist or go directly to a hospital and ask for help.
Hi Nick, I did start meds as I'm getting other weird thoughts like wanting to stalk my ex best friend who lives down the street from me. I think I'm still in love with her. I actually don't feel much of a bond with my kids and I have been working on that for a long time with my oldest daughter. When I conceived our 2nd child I was convinced that my feelings for women were OCD related. But they are not and it looks like I am on the lesbian side of bi. I only feel connected to my kids when my feelings come back for my husband. I know that sounds messed up. I'm not abandoning my children but I am really confused and nothing seems to matter other than me being with a woman. And believe me I have tried to just go on with normal life. One week I would be fine and able to work the next week I can't do anything but think about running away. My job doesn't work like that; as weird as it sounds people look to me to help them with their lives. I'm no longer able to go that.
I am sorry, but being a lesbian has nothing to do with your love for your own kids. You probably feel that way because you suffer depression. And you have do to something about that. You won't be miraculously cured when you pack your bags and leave your family. Can you imagine your husband quitting his work tomorrow, bringing absolutely no money home and browsing the internet all the day looking for a guy to hook up with? Telling you that he doesn't really care about your kids? You have to be responsible and seek professional help. You say that you don't abandon your kids, but you mentioned earlier that your daughter had asked you why you didn't love them anymore. They do feel abandoned. Depression is an illness and it will not get better on its own. Call a help line or a hospital and tell them how you are feeling. Be an adult and responsible, and be FAIR to your husband who works 16 hours a day to feed YOUR family. You need to start doing something to get better. It will not go away on its own.
You are very confused I can see that. You need to take the anti depressants if that's what they have given you. I'm on them and I came off them and believe me I noticed the difference. I'm now on them again. I think you need space. You are currently obsessed with your sexuality and I can understand that totally as I'm in a very similar position. I think you are in a position where you are the main parent to your children and you need time to think about you! This is very difficult and that is why you are feeling distant from your children. I don't know what the answer is but you need to be happy and you must ensure your children are happy. If you are happy they are more likely to be happy. I think it is time you considered moving on to explore your feelings. I may be totally wrong I'm not an expert but I have been fighting for my marriage for years but now I have let myself accept I'm bi and my husband hasn't it looks like moving on is the only option. I am still attracted to men but I feel I need to explore this side to me. I haven't had the distant feelings from my children you have but I do find I'm distracted and I'm not there like I was. That is one if the reasons I have decided to separate from my husband, that and the fact he is seeing someone else! My goal now is to separate, settle me and my children, and move on wether that is on my own or with a woman or a man. You had you eldest young so you haven't had much time to yourself. I didn't but my experience of children I love them more than anything but I am drained and tired most nights. You need a break. Please don't give up on your children. Take a break. Anyway you can, I know that isn't easy but if you have family or friends use them. You need time to think and plan. You can be gay/bi or anything else with children you just need to accept what you are and they will accept you. Don't me so hard on yourself. Xxxx
