Im sorry to disappoint you guys

Hey now, no need to apologize! You do what you think is right, we wont judge =) the only thing that matters is that you came here seeking answers in the first place

 

You've just made the best decision for yourself, no need to apologize!

If you love your wife and she loves you, and you guys are comfortable with the life you share, I don't see the problem.

 

No judgement...no condemnation...you need to do what's best for you and yours...you've been honest yourself and with your wife...the door is always open for you here.

Tim

(*hug*)

 

Alright, Pete, just knock that crap off. Enough! YOU do not owe anyone here an apology. If anything society owes YOU an apology for once again give you a false choice. You have to live the best life you can, whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Right now, your community has not shown you a path forward as part of you local LGBT crowd. Shame on them, not you. Being gay is not about being young, hung, hot and horny.

I wish there were more inclusive options for you to explore. Maybe you haven't found them yet. But at the end of the day, you know what is right for YOU. And you family. I admire men like you, men who fearlessly acknowlege who they are to themselves, confront the stigma of social ostracism, confess to their wife, and ultimately do their best be the best person they can be.

You did not fail anyone, certainly least of all yourself. You have every right to a proud gay man no matter where you live, who shares your home, or who you love. I am damn proud of you. Always will be, and you can't do anything to make me take that back. If I scrounge up half the courage you've shown, I'll be all the better person for it. YOU are the kind of caring honest person of INTEGRITY that inspires me.

You Rock! Now get in there, give your wife and kids the biggest hugs and kisses you've shared in years, and be proud of yourself. (&&&) :eusa_clap

 

Hi Pete,

You and I have a lot in common. I am still with my wife, but I am more in a state of long term limbo for now: no big "decision" just yet. The thing is, if you and I stay with our wives, the gay isn't going anywhere. We will still need support and EC is as good a place as any to continue to explore ourselves through exchanges with others in similar situations.

I should be a Full Member soon. We should chat.

 

Pete
GayDadStrgMarig has said it all so beautiful. Again you have NOTHING to apologise for. You have been honest, you have been authentic. Thats been hard, but hopefully through that honesty you have found what is right for you and yours at this moment in your life, but now with nothing hidden, no lies, no shame, no fear. You are now true to yourself and those you really love as a gay man. You can't go back into the closet with those people. You always will be a gay man, but wow - what courage and what strength. I am in awe of you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us all. Not just those who have engaged you in conversation, but other who have read your posts and been helped on their own journeys. Enjoy this new chapter ...

 

I'm reminded of the Greek definitions of tragedy and comedy:

Tragedy: Where people and better than they are, and they suffer for doing the right thing.

Comedy: Where people are worse than they are.

You have made the right decision for you and your family. As Link said above, the gay is there to stay, and yet you are doing the right thing, which is, in the Greek sense anyway, a tragedy; born of a noble and courageous act.

 

^Does "yes" feel like the right answer? Does it make sense to you? Only you can know deep down what the answer is.

 

When my wife learned that I am gay, I considered that the best thing for her would be for me to just leave immediately so that she could have more time to start over. She became very angry at me, explaining that me choosing to leave would be just another instance of me taking the power away from her (the main instance being withholding the truth from her even as she made the decision to marry me). She told me that I need to trust her judgment, and if she says she does not want me to leave, I should believe that that is what is best for HER. Of course, it may be that I someday determine that I need to be selfish to do what is best for ME. However, I cannot leave and use the excuse that it is what is best for her, unless she tells me to do so. My point is, maybe choosing to stay is the least selfish thing you could do as far as your wife is concerned, depending on what she is telling you. BUT, you should consider what is best for you above all else. Just some food for thought.

 

Depression... ?

You are talking about mental health now.

Make this decision with the help of a LGBT therapist.

Don't play craps with mental health.

Tom

 

You do not need to justify yourself to anyone.

It looks like this forum has helped to reduce the torment you had and now you have explored your sexuality and made an informed decision, as opposed to a rash decision.

Best of luck.

 

no need to apologize, Pete. What GayDad said.

And we'll still be here, if you need us.

 

Not really adding anything new from what the others have said, but consider this post another vote of confidence and another wish for nothing but the best for you and your family. Take good care. We're all here for you.

 

no one knows what the future holds. you are doing what you think is best for now, that's all anyone can expect from themselves or others. if you were not the poster of this thread would you feel disappointed in this person who has done all this soul searching and made a difficult choice...i didn't think so. be as kind to yourself.

 

I was trying to put off posting here because I know I can't relate to your situation, and I didn't want to come across as pessimistic, but if I'm going to be perfectly honest I agree with Chip the most.

I absolutely hope things work out for you. I only wish the best. But it kind of feels like you're staying with her out of fear of what happens if you break up, rather than staying with her because you both want to. The reality is you're a gay guy who's married to a woman. Staying with her wont change that. 10 years into the future, after you've payed off the house, you'll still be a gay guy married to a woman.

It doesn't sound like you're happy, and I don't think staying together due to the stability it brings will change that. She knows you're gay too, and it feels like a.. stalemate, rather than progress.

Man I feel incredibly uncomfortable writing this, especially with everyone elses responses (I've been thinking about this thread for hours deciding whether or not I should post this) but in the end I think I'd regret it more if I never. I think you should wait before you decide anything, and I'm actually quite angry at society for you being in this situation.

 

Hi Pete...first of all you're not disappointing anyone. It's not like there's an agenda to force people to make a particular decision.

I think in a lot of these cases, the wives make the decisions for us. There's a huge sense of obligation to give them what they want after blowing up their world. I know of guys who come out to their wives and stay in the marriage because the wives beg them not to leave. But years later, they still struggle with the gay feelings that never go away.

In my case, my wife made the opposite choice. After I came out to her, she wanted me out of the house and has no interest in trying to make things work. Part of me thinks that I still want to stay married to her, live as a family and raise our kids together. That I wouldn't need to act on my urges and that her knowing the truth would be enough to relieve my burden. But she may be wiser than I am. She knows my orientation can't be changed, she wants a chance to experience love that includes physical desire, and she doesn't want to live under a cloud of uncertainty that I could one day meet someone and put her through this hell a second time.

You have to do what you feel is right. There are no risk free or pain free options. But I have to agree with a lot of the points Chip made. Ask yourself if you're acting out of fear or really doing what you think will give you and your wife the greatest chance of a happy life. Wishing you the best with whatever you choose.

 

Firstly I agree with what has been said, no judgement for the decision you have made and you haven't disappointed anyone.

But you and your wife have children together and maybe being yourself in a gay relationship would show them that it is ok to be "different", to show that you can live a positive life as a gay man. What if one of your children was gay and they had grown up in a home where being gay had to be hidden. By being yourself and being happy and positive about this you are showing your children that they too can be themselves, whatever that may be.

Hope this helps xx