1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Which way to go

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Overtherainbow, Feb 16, 2014.

  1. Overtherainbow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So,I'm not sure where to start as my mind is all over the place in thoughts.I'm almost 30 I'm a mother and has been with my children's father for 10 years.I've been struggling with my questioning my sexuality for 3 years now,When I met my now partner at 18 I was certain I was bisexual and I was happy with that even though I've never been with the same sex I had fooled around with a female friend at 13 and had crushes on teachers I had told my best friend I was gay at 14 but dated 2 boys since but nothing sexual with either.The years went by and I never explored my sexuality further I still had constant crushes for teachers and celebs at 18 I met my partner I was finding myself attracted to his female friends so I came to the conclusion I was bisexual and I was very comfortable with that I expressed to him how I felt he was fine with it Aslong as I didn't act on it.At 20 I had started to crush on women again but still had desire for my boyfriend.An opportunity arised where I was alone with my crush but again nothing happened due to her having to go,I left that all behind me moved to a new town with my bf got a job and started to plan for a child had our first child at 22 continued working and being a mum then had our 2nd child 4 years later.When my first child started school I started getting slight crushes towards the female teachers I just took it as my lack of socialising to other women In general or hormones.One day I noticed this mother who's child was in the same year as mine I'd watch her walk around the school and my heart would skip a beat I had a feeling she was gay and for some reason I was very intrigued by her,So I pushed myself to get to know her at first it started with a hello then organising play dates then we'd start to hangout and talk all the time because I felt attracted to her but in my mind I knew it couldn't be because I have a partner and she is a friend due to me seeking out friendship with her but I really wanted more.I started going on chat sites to fill a void inside something was missing the attention I got from a woman was indiscriable I loved the feeling it gave me I never felt so alive feeling like I belonged somewhere I felt like I could be myself but hen in started to question what I was doing I was putting my happiness into a life I was not living this was not my reality I am a mum and this new found thing which makes me question who I am or was has taken me away and replaced me with just a body not a soul there's no happiness in my life I love my children but I feel I am not living this is the most worst time in my life where I don't know who I am I actually feel LOST.My sex life is almost non existent due to me having no desire I've never enjoyed it I would just do it I never got intouch with myself until I started questioning.Ive spoken to my partner about how I feel he gets mad and says I know your gay go be gay and then gives methe silent treatment for days I told him I feel lost and that I love him but I don't desire sex at all I can't flick my body on like a light switch I get aroused but as soon as I try and do it I get thoughts that I shouldn't and start questioning is this what I really want.I know it's not fair on him our kids or myself I don't know what to do as time goes on I start thinking about being stuck with him I want passion and can't help to think I'm only going to feel that with a woman that thought excites me makes me happy but then I start feeling guilty because my kids are happy his happy and I'm the only one who's changing it's like I can't jump off this roller coaster of feelings.I'm getting to the point where I'm looking for places where gays frequent as in social clubs so I can see what it's like I feel like that's where I should be that I'm missing out on a life I was meant to live I know sounds selfish maybe I'm freaking out cause I can here the clock ticking my head is so messed up it's affecting everything and everyone.
     
  2. Jules17

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2014
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm new to this myself ……. I mean realizing that I was not heterosexual. Anyway I'd had crushes on women (Mostly movie stars and 2 teachers) but strangely enough, I never thought it was unusual.Until recently when I started to have sexual feelings towards a colleague who was gay and we began flirting through text messages and she told me I wasn't completely straight . Anyway the point I am trying to get to is, I was totally overwhelmed by my feelings. It was like, KABOOM! I was hit by these very strong feelings and the realization that I had feelings for a woman.
    I didn't know who to talk to to sort out my feelings. Thankfully I have a friend who is a therapist and I confided in him and he helped me to make sense of what I was feeling and not to do anything rash. So, I think you should talk to a therapist who specializes in gay and lesbian issues. Or at least talk to someone who is gay and who you think can give you honest and good advice. You need someone to help you sort out your feelings.
    Also going on websites such as this one and reading about other people's experiences helps.
     
  3. LostInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Here, but barely
    That sounds like the same place im at in my life right now. Except that him and i never had kids. It sounds like you need to figure out what you want more. Even though we don't have children I still feel extreme guilt for wanting to walk away after all these years. I think that as long as you two end things well and are both happy that your kids will be happy for you. Kids learn about these things at a much younger age now so they would probably understand more than you think.