Hi everybody, This is really hard for me. Sharing intimate secrets that I don't even tell my therapist. I'm hoping to find someone else out there that might be facing the same kind of issues. This is my first coming out/gay site. I'm 42 yrs old. I have always been attracted both sexes, but as I get older I'm finding myself only attracted to attractive women. When I have sexual dreams, it's usually involving me with a beautiful woman having my first real lesbian experience. The thought of having sex with men, doesn't get me sexually aroused at all. But I'm really confused. I've been a mother and wife for 22 years, since I was 20 years old. I put my needs and desires on the back burner and raised my family. And my kids are almost adults now and I figured out its time to start taking care of myself and my needs. I've been depressed and anxious for the last 20 years. For the first 13, I thought it was depression due to relationship with my ex-husband. Then I met my fiancé about eight years ago. I love him dearly, but most of the time I feel depressed. We haven't had sex in almost four years. And I moved out of our master bedroom into my own room two years ago. And it's not like I decided not to have sex with him, but more like we both decided to not have sex. (I actually have a theory that he is in the closet- gay- but will never in a million years come out. But that's another topic, for another time.) And I'm not attracted to any men that have been interested in me recently. I'm repulsed when I think of giving a guy oral sex. I used to do it because that's what expected of heterosexual women. But I always despised it. I guess that's a good indicator of my sexuality. I'd rather be intimate with a women than any man. I want to feel real passion and sexual satisfaction. Instead of fantasizing about other women when I have sex with a man. It's the only way I can achieve an orgasm with a man. I've only ever had one lesbian experience with one girl when I was 19. Strictly necking and some over the clothes heavy petting. I need advice. I'm afraid. I'm sexually frustrated. I need hope! Shylynn
Hey shylynn, welcome to EC neighbour! You've come to the right place. In a way you are already ahead of the game with regard to your current relationship. Use your time here to gain a little clarity and to plan your next moves. The goal, for all of us, is to live our true lives for the sake of everyone's happiness!
Hi Shylynn! I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you but I just wanted to wish you all the best and encourage you to keep taking those steps to self-discovery! I think for most people its kinda one of those things that you need to figure out on your own. Reading the boards has been incredibly helpful for me, as has blogging (which I have just started). Again, welcome and good luck!
Hi Shylynn Welcome. I'm knew here as well. Trying to figure tings out. I am also prone to depession and sruggle to understand if it's my nature of if it a symptom of keeping my attracion to woman supressed. I guess time will tell. I fantasize about living on my own sometimes but I can see first hand the gra ---------- Post added 16th Feb 2014 at 05:05 PM ---------- grass isn't always greener. Sorry about the break is the message. I accidently pressed psot before I was done!
Hi Shylynn, I can say I truly understand your feelings about all of this. It is rather confusing and frightening at times. I wish you all the best in your journey to self discovery and just know as farmgirl said to me "you are not alone". We are all on here for many of the same reasons, understanding mainly in so many different ways. Hang in there
