1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused and As Afraid As I Ever Could Be!!!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MiAngel, Feb 16, 2014.

  1. MiAngel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    Hello Everyone, I'm new to the site and I am looking for a bit of advice, answers, or just anything to help clear the storm in my head. I have just recently come to feel that I maybe lesbian or bi actually I'm not sure if I am either (just ridiculously confused). I have had feelings for other females when I was in my teens and that faded away and then returned when I was in my twenties, those feelings left just as well. Maybe I forced them away. I never once acted on them. I have always had relationships with males, I have been married in the past and I am now in a relationship with which has lasted for 6 years and he wants to get married, I have been putting it off. The feelings that I had back then have recently for some reason come back full force. I have tried to ignore them and I guess push them away, but it is not working. I do love and care for my bf very much, we are very close, but I do not find myself sexually attracted to him. Could it just be him that I'm not attracted to any longer? I have found myself having sexual fantasies about women, yet again. I don't really know what to do about all of this, because to be totally honest this scares me deeply. I don't really know why it does, I have always been a liberal and open minded individual.

    I do know if I talk to him about it, the relationship will definitely end and on a bad note as well. I don't want that. I do however want to explore the gay and lesbian community to see if this is really the step I want to take. I do not want to explore in a sexual manner but in the manner of having someone who can at least relate to what I am going through. I do not feel comfortable talking about these matters with my family or close friends. I find myself feeling so guilty about my feelings most of the time or being afraid someone will find out how I feel. I have not come out to anyone due to apprehension of being rejected or its just plain fear or maybe both. Not certain which way I should go at this point. I hate feeling this way. :confused:
     
  2. farmgirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So much that you wrote could be about me. You are not alone. I think its good to be here and looking for connections. It's why I'm here. I told my husband about two years ago. At first he wanted to leave but we have decided to keep going. I don't know what the future will bring, but for now the marriage is working...sort of. Coming to terms with all this is so complicated. There is right and wrongs in society and then there is questioning later in life while married. Perhaps its okay to stay in the relationship for now until you figure things out. If your anything like me you tend to put other's needs before your own. I think as women we need to give ourselves permission to put ourselves first. I am still learning how to do this but for the first time I am really trying.
    I hope the fantasies are normal cause it's what keeps me going sexually! Without them I would not be able to be intimate with my busband at all.
    Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.
     
  3. MiAngel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    Thank you farmgirl for your post and yes I most definitely have a tendency to put others first. I really appreciate your advice and all the positive thoughts, it really does help. :slight_smile:
     
  4. LostInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Here, but barely
    I agree about the fantasies, they are the only thing keeping me going. I'm pretty sure that's normal, just your brains way of adapting i guess.
     
  5. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    exactly this.
     
  6. LostInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Here, but barely
    At some point though, fantasies just aren't enough. I have been living in fantasy for a long time now and sometimes can't wait to go to sleep because i know I'll probably have a lovely dream of what could be. I'm tired of just dreaming and fantasizing, but still too afraid to make it real. I have been taking some great steps though just talking about it here.
     
  7. Wildclover

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi there! I definitely understand where you all are coming from. It's nice not to be alone in this crazy world! I've been hetero married for 10 years and have 3 children. My husband knows and we're sticking together for now but a time will come, and soon, that I can't wait any longer to explore "the rest of me".

    What's keeping you in your relationships?

    MiNgle: feeling guilt is normal in any relationship when one party is unhappy and doesn't want to remain in the relationship. Don't beat yourself up and hang in there. Are there any local support groups, meetups, or other avenues you can explore to see if this is what you're missing in your current relationship?
     
  8. womaninamber

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel similarly, like I pushed feelings away for a long time. When I was in college I used to fantasize about women, and told myself that I was straight and they were just fantasies... But I was scared too, even though my parents had raised me not to be a homophobe and I was very accepting of others.

    It's a tough decision about the relationship but if you really feel something is missing I think it's worth exploring.
     
  9. farmgirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Some people
    There is a lot that keeps me in my relationship. Love is the biggest reason. I love my husband a lot. We have grown a lot over the years together and basically have a strong foundation. Fear also plays a big part in my decision. Fear of not being able to support myself, fear of never finding anyone to love me again, fear of hurting my husband and my family. Fear of everyone finding out I am different. So I have a lot of work to do with myself. How can I expect others to accept me if I can't accept myself. My husband is along for the ride. I don't know what the future holds and I feel bad he has to go through this and I am very glad he has chosen to stay.
    It's an extremely hard decision to make, should I stay or should I go. So I've been going with my gut, even if it is kind of selfish.
     
  10. MiAngel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    I have been looking into finding local support groups...I believe this would be a great start for me...thanks:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 05:26 PM ----------

    OMG!!! Mostly all you wrote is what I am feeling about my relationship...these are many of the main reasons why I haven't broken it off. I do believe that some day (maybe) it is going to come to an end, because I don't see my feelings changing. I'm slowly creaking the closet door open...lol:lol:
     
  11. Beatrixx

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area, CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've been with my husband for 25 years, married for almost 20. I didn't know I was gay - it came with the realization that I had fallen for my best friend - and she for me. I have caused so much pain to him and to my kids, but we're all growing and trying to find our way through all of this mess. I am headed for a divorce soon, but we have been able to retain a friendship.
    Please - if you have any doubts, do not marry your bf. It is the most kind and loving thing you can do to set him free so you can find out about yourself.
    Things are a bit dark for me right now - but I know there is a brighter future for me just around the bend!!
    Good luck, Lovey!
     
  12. MiAngel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    OMG!!! Mostly all you wrote is what I am feeling about my relationship...these are many of the main reasons why I haven't broken it off. I do believe that some day (maybe) it is going to come to an end, because I don't see my feelings changing. I'm slowly creaking the closet door open...lol:lol:
     
  13. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC. I didn't really figure this out about myself until I was in my mid / late 30s as well - so you're not alone. I had been married for 9 years and had 2 children with my wife.

    The fear that you're feeling is very normal. We all fear significant change. We fear the unknown. And coming out to others has the potential to trigger change and we can't know exactly how things will turn out. So the fear keeps us standing still.

    The problem, of course, is that we aren't really happy with where we're standing either. Maintaining the status quo becomes more and more difficult, and consumes more and more energy, and we become more and more unhappy. So what most of us find is that we have to move forward in some way, shape or form. How you move forward, and the pace at which you do so, is going to be unique to you.

    Good luck.
     
  14. MiAngel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    Beatrixx thank you and I'm sure things are going to be better and brighter for you :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 05:50 PM ----------

    Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words Jim1454, it means a lot to me :slight_smile: