Unfettered

Wow, Tom really cutting it to the core this morning! Bravo, man, I'm on board with your thought process here. :eusa_clap

That, my friend is what helped lock the door of my closet for so many years. The assumption that being gay meant you had to be into nsa sex, flamboyant, liberal, atheist, whatever derogatory stereotype you can come up with, that's what I had in my head about having a gay lifestyle and said to myself "but that ain't me" and quickly retreated to my dark hovel.

After I put a window in last year, I could see there's no contract to sign when you come out and live life as yourself, no fine print that requires conditions to be met to be part of the gay community. Now the thing holding me back is the quest for personal integrity... the cornerstone on that foundation is honesty, and doing the prep work on the site for that cornerstone is now underway. :icon_bigg

 

Y'all are channeling my thoughts this morning.... Had I not been hammered with all those negative stereotypes from the few gay men I knew as a naive, over-sensitive and fearful late teen and twentysomething, coming out might have seemed like a viable option. God knows there was no doubt whatsoever that I was turned on by guys. Hell, I sat through all of The Blue Lagoon in the theater just to catch a glimpse of Christopher Atkins' junk--if that's not self-loathing, what is? lol Not only did I not find that lifestyle appealing, I didn't think there was any way I could possibly ever be accepted into it anyhow, and being desperate to be accepted somewhere, sneaking into the closet and putting on a straight show seemed to be the only option. THAT worked well, huh?

 

This is what I'm learning to accept about myself. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean there is a rule book that I now must follow to be gay. I followed enough of those rule books earlier in my life and they just made me miserable. I can finally just be me.

 

The first part of my coming out process is a commitment to myself to just be me with regard to simple things. I'm going to buy those tighter jeans, that form fitting shirt, those revealing underwear. I'm going to listen to the club/house music. Long story short, I'm going to stop avoiding the the things that might expose my "secret".

In some way, I'm tired of not being me and I want to be the person I am, gay, str8 or bi. In another way, deep down inside, I feel like maybe I want to beg the question -- are you GAY? -- so I don't have to be the one to broach the subject, lol. People pleaser.

 

Making those little, subtle changes is part of a whole shift in your mindset. I can remember catching glimpses of myself in windows when I was out for my walk in the evenings and thinking how much more like a gay guy I had begun to walk, only a short while after coming out to the first person. It's not flamboyant or stereotypical, really, just more fluid and comfortable and relaxed and sure of myself--then I started thinking, it's not "gay" at all, really, just....ME. Suddenly, you don't feel the need to be on perpetual Defcon 1 worrying that someone might suspect something. The funny thing is that the further you get into it, you will find out to your great surprise that there is was one group of people who suspected it all along despite your best efforts, and another group who could see you parading around in a bedazzled jockstrap carrying a rainbow flag and still be clueless. Makes you realize more and more that the only one who REALLY needs to be comfortable with you, IS you.

 

I'm right there with you. On the one hand, I'm tired of the constructs. I've been out to my wife for a month now. And while it's still a little weird between us sometimes, we're sleeping in the same bed, and we cuddle from time to time. At first, she said, "This feels weird, given what I now know." And then she said, only moments later, "But it gives me comfort." And I told her that it gave me comfort, too. And who is anyone else to judge our relationship? I don't know whether we'll stay together or not, but I do have realistic hope that we'll remain best friends. At this point in our relationship, we both need comfort. And what a gift to be able to provide comfort to each other in these extraordinary circumstances!

On the other hand, three years ago I asked my therapist, "Am I gay?", so I didn't have to broach the subject--though I just had, hmmm. And he gave me the perfect response: Does it matter? Because that's the heart of the matter. How I choose to live my life is my business, no one else's. And it took three years before I went back to my therapist, walked into his office, sat down, reached for a tissue, and said. "I give up. I. Am. Gay. And it does matter."

There. That.

(*hug*)

 

I can relate to this as well. Knowing only about the extreme butch stereotype I'd never imagined myself to be a lesbian. But now I am realizing that I might have had crushes on more femme girls and women for a long time, probably since I was eight or so...

I usually very rationally picked a guy to have a crush on: someone who was nice to me (which didn't happen that often with me being fat and shy) but it wouldn't last long and nothing ever came of it romantically. I did, however, wonder all throughout high school and earlier, why all these girls were so into boys, never really understanding it.

The other crushes I always had excuses for: admiring them, simply liking them very much,
thinking they are beautiful aesthetically etc. etc.

 

To me that bolded word is the keyword of what hold us back. Why. We get so focused on the WHY's in life we get lost. WHY am I gay? Like StillAround's therapist asked "Does it matter?" NO. It's not something we chose, we're not being punished by God (society, yes; family, sometimes). We do this to ourselves, trying to fit in to something that doesn't matter, trying to pretend, to be validated, to be accepted; but if we don't do those things for our own self, does any of the other "stuff" matter? No, not really.

 

Yes...much like my experience in high school biology of being taught about sex, and being utterly mystified, because I kept coming back to the unanswered question in my head of "but why would anyone actually want to do that? On purpose?"

Not only did we try and fit in to something that didn't matter....at the time we started doing it, we didn't even consciously know we were doing it. Eventually we did, but by then, it was so much second nature, like driving on one particular side of the street, that unlearning it is that much more of a fight.

 

In Phase 1 of my coming out of hiding, I have noticed just how much I'm covering up in terms of mannerisms and speaking style alone. I have naturally limp wrists when I gesture and I'm trying not to fight this or the dainty way I cross my legs anymore. I also have added a deepness to my voice over the years and I'm trying to unlearn it. With my gait, I have concealed the way I move my hips and I'm trying to let it go. I doubt I'm going to become a femme but the layers of masculinity I've added are ridiculous. I have laughed at myself a few times.

 

I feel like some of my uptight behaviors are symptoms of being in the straight-jacket of my closet. I never learned to dance, because I didn't want to look gay. I was teased in school because of the way I walk, because I didn't want to look gay. I try not to gesture much because I don't want to look gay. I changed the way I talk completely (I grew up in the South but have virtually no southern accent) so I didn't sound gay. (Funny enough, one time I called my sister's office and one of the guys she worked with answered. I didn't leave a message, so he just told her some guy called and he sounded kinda "sweet"... one of those good 'ol boy euphemisms for sounding gay.)

So, yeah the amount of constant effort put into projected conformity is exhausting. I'm tired of the games. I'm tired of the charade. I'm tired of caring what other people think about me. I'm tired, just plain tired. I've had enough and just not going to do it anymore. If that's not good enough for someone, f:***: them; they're not good enough for me.