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I feel ridiculous.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by womaninamber, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. womaninamber

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    Hi... I'm new here and also had a post over here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/125669-things-confusing.html

    What I keep wondering about is why would I suddenly be so sure I'm not straight after something like thirty years of wondering about it? I mean, I even went to groups at the Gay and Lesbian center, including a coming out group, trying to figure this out, but because I'd never done anything with a woman I thought I was just a fake and left. But now suddenly I'm sure, though I still haven't done anything with a woman. And I can't imagine why I didn't realize it a really long time ago, and I feel pretty stupid.

    I mean, I'm not saying it's easy to come out! But I certainly was in a good position to do it, so why didn't I? I was already divorced and even my late dad knew I was questioning and he supported me fully. It seems like I could come out to him but not to myself, which is really weird and not how it's supposed to work.

    I've heard of people not admitting to other people that they're not straight until an older age, but not admitting it to themselves? Does that happen?

    And it's not like I'm remembering dramatic stuff like "Oh, I was totally in love with my friend but lied to myself about it." It's more like "I think I really did want to ask that girl out and I should have."
     
  2. Claudette

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    this could have to do with societies "Stigma" about being gay, this is more common in older generations, as the times change so does the perspective on orientation, it's now more socially acceptable to be "out" then it was say 20 years ago.
    so you try to hide it, or ignore it... idk That's what I think though...
     
  3. Wildclover

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    Sure why not? People change and learn things as they experience things through out their lives and why should our understanding of ourselves be any different? If today you're comfortable and interested in women go for it! Don't worry about not seeing the signs whether there were any or not. My recommendation would be to not waste your time (you only get so much after all) worrying about the past or about trying to find the perfect answers but to grab life and live it.

    What's the worst that can happen? You decide you're not attracted to women or that men are better for you? There's no shame in that and at least you'll know you gave it a shot!
     
  4. Lilli

    Lilli Guest

    You kinda described me in your post :slight_smile:

    I probably could have come out my whole life and pretty much been accepted, its just that I couldn't accept it. As I type this I will say I'm still not sure, but in the back of my mind ... I know.

    For me I think its that I am beginning to accept and like myself and with that comes being able to embrace ALL of who I really am.
     
  5. womaninamber

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    Thank you so much for your support everyone. I am really glad to know I'm not alone and not stupid. Sounds like we have a lot in common Lilli...

    And maybe I underestimate my fear of society's stigma. It's still there needless to say, and was even worse before, and it's not like I didn't know that. The first time I tried to tell an adult I didn't think I was straight (in high school) it was the school librarian and she tried to convince me I was straight, and maybe stuff like that affected me more than I realized.
     
  6. AmiBee

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    I think society's effects can be very influential, especially what was available when we were teens (I'm 43). I went to a very gay friendly woman's college, where I came out. If I wasn't in such an open environment, I'm sure I would have stayed in denial much longer.
     
  7. womaninamber

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    I was a straight supporter of the Lesbian and Gay Alliance at college and was really into watching gay-themed media and that kind of thing. But they all thought I was straight so I thought that meant I must be. Even though that's not necessarily true and they never told me that in so many words anyway. And I didn't feel like I was like any of the women in the group. I don't mean stereotypes, I just mean... certainty about what they wanted.

    I remember one man asking me if I was one of those women who love hanging around gay guys, and I wanted to tell him it was the women I liked hanging around, but I couldn't even say it. I felt like if I wasn't sure I was a lesbian I must be a stupid straight person who wants to push in where she doesn't belong, and that feeling has been with me to this day.

    And yeah, when we were teens I heard a lot of "It's totally normal to wonder about your sexuality! It doesn't mean you're not straight!" and not a lot of "But hey you might not be straight and that's OK."
     
  8. AmiBee

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    Just know that it's ok to question at any age. There is no one right time to come out. Also, I've read that sexual fluidity is true over time, especially for women.
     
  9. HopeFloats

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    I totally reject the idea that a woman cannot know she's gay without having sexual experiences with women. I look forward to a time when it's not automatically assumed that everyone is straight. Straight people don't wait until they have a sexual experience with another person to claim their orientation.

    But also, don't beat yourself up for not claiming that label earlier. I had a long and winding road to wind up here myself. Part of my road was identifying as a vocal "ally". Each of us accepts ourselves at our own pace. And that is ok.
     
  10. AmiBee

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    HOPE, I very much agree with you.
     
  11. womaninamber

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    The truth is that after college I also spent about twelve years in a religion that didn't approve of homosexuality. I had a real mental conflict with that because I knew that was a totally wrong belief, but I liked the religion in other ways and tried to convince myself that it was true. I just hate to admit that because it makes me sound like a terrible person, to go from acceptance to non-acceptance. Though in the end I did leave, and the homophobia was a large part of why.
     
  12. RoseStar570

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    You are not ridiculous. I feel entirely like I have walked in your shoes. What ticks you off is all the opportunities I missed because I couldn't be real with myself.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I don't think it's weird at all there are so many other factors influencing what you do and don't do it's not as simple as it sounds.