It's been quite a while since I've been on here and overall things in my life have started to improve since the events over the last couple of years (coming out, my mom dying). I'm mainly focused on work and getting my career going, although seasonal work is all there seems to be at the moment in my field. HOWEVER, the depression stemming from loneliness and isolation occasionally creeps back in my mind as it has been lately. I've never had a real relationship and at 27 years old I'm still a virgin. I went a couple of times to gay bars after first coming out, but was grossed out and didn't let anything happen. Luckily, I am finally over the guy I had been trying to get over for the past couple of years (brief synopsis: I fell in love with a guy that I realize now was using me and is probably a narcissistic sociopath rather than the friendly closet-case in need of help I originally thought he was). But, that experience left me even more cynical and less-trusting of people, and potential romantic interests in particular. On top of all this, every single guy I have met (since the last one/my coming out) that I've thought I was getting vibes from and was attracted to has inevitably been straight or still lying from inside the closet. A few guys I've met within the last month that fall in this category have all had the dreaded "interested in women" on their FB pages. And, when I started back up on a new project at work back in January, I thought I had finally found an obvious gay guy in our office only to overhear him tell his coworkers about his wife and kid(s) right after he sort of flirted with me. At this point I feel like I shouldn't investigate their FB status or even entertain thoughts of attraction since apparently every god damn guy I meet is inevitably "straight". As much as deep down I still want to have an intimate, long-term relationship with someone, at this point it just seems like I am never going to meet anyone that's LGBT in my day-to-day life. I know it's incredibly stupid for me to say this, but I'm beginning to feel like gay people don't exist (at least where I live and work). The only thing that gives me some hope was a coworker that came out to me as bisexual last summer (he's married to a woman and they have a baby), which at least shows me that AT LEAST SOME of the people I've met have got to be lying about their orientation! I think eventually it's going to come down to me doing online dating to meet openly gay/bi, available guys, but it's depressing that I can't even seem to meet one fucking person in my everyday life that's like me. Where the fuck are you people?!!:bang: And, frankly, I don't really want to move to one of the gay metro places like San Fran, because I don't feel like I would fit in with hyper-sexual people that have been out since their teens and have more dating experience than I'll ever hope to have in my life. Does anyone else experience this or is Arizona really a pit of hell socially for LGBT people? Or am I just too far gone? I am just sick of my hope never amounting to anything.
Hi, I think you are wise. My experience; Don't give up looking Look for him in healthy gay venues Look for a guy who is openly gay, has some relationship skills, but does not buy into the broken aspects of gay culture My opinion is that gay culture is broken. It was formed by generations of LGBT's that were emotionally beaten by society forever. And like a dog beaten with a newspaper all its life it has behavioural problems. There are signs of healing. My opinion... This whole same sex marriage fight is not about work benefits, taxes or even the civil rights but simply gays are striving towards the emotional stability marriage promises, but has been denied the gay community. Why else would a gay culture rooted in bed hopping seek a societal system that encourages stable monogamy, with the stick of divorce and financial emotion pain if you fail at it. I believe the gay culture is starting to heal. Long way to go. If I was you (I made my error at around your age) I would look towards guys within a few years of age of you who were married to woman, have children, but are now out and divorced while still friendly with their ex-wife. These guys should have the values you seek and have relationship skills. They can be found belonging to gay dad activity groups. So volunteer to help such a group. Stay away from closeted gays and the broken gay culture. Tom
One option to meeting gay people, have you thought about going on a holiday (vacatiion?) to a more gay friendly place. Especially as spring is coming up could you take a week off and spend some time in San Francisco and just go to some gay bars, cafe's or events. It could be easier if you were in a more open environment without having to make the committment to move there. You may not meet anyone long term but it could be a nice way to at least speak to a few gay people and get more involved with gay life for a short amount of time. If you were to do this you could contact some groups through a meet up service online before you go so you know some places to visit once you are there. As I say it is one possible short term solution but it could give you some idea of what is out there. I do have a similar issue as I live in a small town but I go to London to meet people I have met online. Not for dates just for group activites such as the theatre or a drinks evening with a larger group of people. Not sure how far Arizona is from San Francisco but there could be other larger towns near you to visit for a week.
PerfectInsanity, I get it. Your post absolutely rings the memory bell for me (and I'm 12 years older than you are.) As a corollary to Skiff's advice, I was recently talking with a 21-year-old patient who was sad because he hasn't had sex. He's straight, and a nice guy. I assured him that his maturity and sensitivity would pay off later. He'd be more likely to find a more mature woman, and perhaps a more meaningful relationship. He'd been suckered in by television and movies, and he thought he'd failed to meet a societal expectation. I get suckered in too: on TV, young gay people come out to their parents and get hugs, then they magically find cute gay guys at their high schools, and all is well. I wonder if the same is true for people like you and me. I turned 39 the other day (Valentine's Day---sad irony), but I told myself that the guys I'm more likely to meet now are perhaps more mature and secure. As Skiff said, I might I even do well with a guy who was previously married. When you say that you're attracted to straight guys, so am I. It's not their heterosexuality; it's that I like a certain masculinity. I don't want to sound derisive or dismissive toward those who are more feminine; it's just what I prefer: strong, calm, even-keel, with reasonably masculine features. I'm not sold on the travel advice. I spent the weekend in Fort Lauderdale, often claimed to be a gay vacation destination. I did chat with one guy there, but he was a histrionic narcissist, who felt the need to criticize my clothes, tell me that I'm "socially awkward," and that the "clock is ticking" as I approach 40. We only chatted briefly, but I think I'm safe to say that he has a personality disorder. I also lived in San Francisco and New York City. Although I did meet my ex in San Francisco, he wasn't actually living in S.F. I've never been to Arizona, so I can't comment on what it's like there. The only place where I've consistently met other gay guys is Tel Aviv, but that's very much a different world, I speak Hebrew, and sort of blend in as a Tel Avivi. Because the culture there, there isn't a need to go to a club or go dancing (or get wasted) to meet people. Sadly, it's 7,000 miles from here, so I go once or twice a year. (I've worked on moving there, but it would be a ruinous idea professionally and financially.) I should point out that when I say "meet," I mean just that. Socializing, chit-chatting. Nothing more. It still feels good. In other words, I don't have any answers, but I can relate to how you feel. I've been frustrated by the dearth of options online, so I'm moving toward making as many straight friends as I can, and then hoping that someone knows someone who knows someone who knows someone.
