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Bad week.. bad month.. bad year

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Richie., Feb 18, 2014.

  1. Richie.

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    So last Wednesday I went to marriage therapy with my wife. And the jist of the session was whilst I'm still in my wife's life we can't move on..

    The problem is I'm not ready to move on. Yet

    My wife and I went out on saturdAy night and we got quite drunk and ended up kissing at the back of the cinema. We went back to her house and I denied her sex. Saying it's not what I wanted. But the lead up. I should of been firmer. I should of set boundaries for the night before it happened. I should never of kissed her. I blame myself

    So that was Saturday and it's now Tuesday and I've been at her house ever since. I don't feel comfortable in my new house. With my house mate. I don't feel I can be myself there.

    Rewind to last night

    Me and the wife had a night in watching TV. And alcohol was involved. We have great chemistry. And we get on really well...

    I turned my phone and iPad off for the night and dedicated the night to her. We kissed a little

    We went to bed and we started talking about sex. I told her bluntly. I never want sex with her again. And she started crying. And I left and spent the night on the sofa.

    The problem is I'm not having much luck on internet sites and I'm doubting my personal appearance etc. And my eligibility for a future date

    Oh
    And I do have a guy we have met up and he seems nice and he is into me but.. I'm not into him. But as your probably aware I have never been good at saying enough is enough. It's not going to work out. How do I do that without hurting him.

    And there is this other guy that I have done some sexual stuff with but he is either playing a really long game with me or he isn't that into me.. We chat maybe twice a week... And when we meet and kiss and stuff it feels dead right...

    I have abandonment issues. I was abandoned when I was younger and I've never quite got over it... Me and my mom now talk but it will never be the same.. Long story short. I'm scared of being on my own!

    I know I'm being a selfish husband but part of me wants normality.

    I'm kinda overwhelmed by all this sure I have good and bad days. But in reality. I'm kind of a mess
     
  2. Nick07

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    Sorry, but it seems that you are playing games with your wife. It would be healthy to stay single for a while, not immediatelly search for a bf.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    I agree with Nick on this one...take the time to reacquaint yourself with you, you need to be comfortable with solitude before you can contemplate a relationship, it really is important.

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 10:34 AM ----------

    I strongly recommend that you take the time to read this, it relates directly to what you are saying:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html
     
  4. Richie.

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    I love my wife we have such a great connection part of me thinks I can just forget this part of me and continue with her! I don't want to lose her friendship or companionship I want her in my life always and she has said the same thing to me. If that means I'm playing games with her then I dunno.

    I'm gonna go home tonight and plan on staying Away for a couple of days

    I still have the children to think of. There is a longer term plan where my wife eventually moves out As I can afford our family home on my wage. And she is going to house share with her sister when thT happens if it does I can have a home and so can she and we see less of each other.
     
  5. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Richie, first of all repeat this to yourself: I am a human being and I am not perfect. Do you believe that in your heart? Because if you don't you're never going to be able to get past anything that's troubling you.

    Now take a look at what you told your wife:
    That is your authentic self. Be proud of yourself.

    Yes, you are wounded by your past; most of us are, but we learn how to get beyond it so it does not control us. You have one love interest that you cannot let go of even though you feel no future in that relationship, because you do not want to hurt him. You're repeating your relationship with your wife there. Right? You have another whom you're feeling a strong connection when you're together but he is distant and you feel abandoned; again, repeating part of your past, right?

    The sooner we recognize why we do the things we do in our relationships, why we are attracted to the personalities we are, the sooner we can work of resolving those issues and have healthy relationships. (Yeah, I'm reading Joe Kort's book, it makes sense. And I've just gotten to the good stuff on married gay men.)

    So you're doing marriage therapy which is a good thing, but are you doing the same for yourself? I'm starting tomorrow. How do you have an authentic relationship (whatever it is) with your wife if you can't be authentic with yourself? When you get comfortable with who you are inside the outside will become clearer (not easier, but clearer).

    You have your own place, so there are boundaries you've already negotiated with your wife. You both should respect those boundaries or negotiate new boundaries if you both agree they should change. That is something only the two of you can decide together. But in the process, respect yourself first, and your wife. Anything less is not authentic and will only bring more pain I'm afraid.

    You are not a mess. You're in a tough situation but you will get through it. It is not selfish to want normality; but you need to understand what normality means for you, not what the social construct of normal being dictated to us is. Dig a little deeper, I can see the answer lying just under the surface if you're ready to go after it; the discomfort in digging will pay off once it's out and in the light of day.

    Take care, Richie. Look forward to talking to you more soon.

    -Rich
     
  6. Nick07

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    Games are getting drunk and making her repeatedly believe you two can have sex and then pull away at the last moment.
     
  7. Richie.

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    That's your opinion your entitled to it
     
  8. Nick07

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    That's true. But considering she was crying afterwards it may be her opinion too. Or not. But if you want to stay friends with her you should better stop doing that.
     
  9. Pete1970

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    Hey Richie,

    Believe me I know how hard this is for you . I'm still struggling a bit to reconcile my brain with my heart. Are these true feelings or just jealousy,,fear and loneliness?

    Hang in there!!
     
  10. tscott

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    My situation's different, but is not dissimilar. I have a very strong wife who's put me on notice as to when this is going to happen and this. Very A type, very business-like, hence the super job and the calculating nature. As soon as I said gay their was a game plan formulated, it did not include me except as father to the childrern, and a civil arraingement.

    I'm the one who still wants to friends which allows me to still say I love you, but not as husband and lover. You cannot afford that luxury. It's not fair to your wife, she hasn't moved on, and if you don't move on she won't. My wife tell's me how unfair it is that I've moved on, but I really haven't. She won't admit it, but she's the one with a mapped out strategy for the future.

    It sounds like you want your cake, and eat it too. Let me play devil's advocate, now I'm not saying your wife would do this, but should the two of you have a little set to how long will it be before she throws out the the little poison toad that you're gay. It's convenient weapon. Or you to say I should have left you earlier. The genie's out of the bottle and can't be stoppped up.

    I'm very happy you're seeing a therapist together, something my wife will not do, but do you have your own therapist? It can be a big help; or a support group of men who've been in the same boat. The combination of drink, emotion, and tough times is not the best situation. You're both seem very vulnerable.

    My advice to you is to move into your new space and find members of the gay community to help in support. There must be something in a city of a million or more.
    Sports, chorus, or a gay friendly church can be help you over the hump. There is a silver lining.

    (&&&)
     
  11. StillAround

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    Richie,

    I do understand what you're going through...

    That said, you haven't said that you're having any problem spending time with your kids and being their dad, so for now, I'll assume that's going OK.

    Your wife has asked you to stay away. (I seem to remember you saying that in an earlier thread.) She is grieving, as are you. You'll both grieve in your own way, but you'll both go through all the stages before it's over: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may go through them in a different order, and you may go through some of them more than once. But it's an inevitable process, and the only way to get through it is to go through it, to let yourself feel it and process it.

    You mentioned somewhere that you had abandonment issues--I suspect those issues just feed into and fuel a lot of your feelings.

    But your wife is not abandoning you--she's just asking for space to process it all, to try to find her way forward. And she needs to do some of that work without you.

    My advice, for what it's worth... Set some very firm boundaries. Don't go back to her and the kids without asking first. Set firm time limits on how long you'll stay and make sure you're both comfortable with those limits.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with physical attention so long as you both adhere to very strict boundaries you both find comfortable. For example, my wife and I are back to sleeping in the same bed, and we even cuddle late at night and in the early morning. But we've discussed it together. Although we both felt a bit weird about it at first, we agreed that it wasn't about sex, but about comfort, because we are each other's best friends. But that's all it is, and we both know it.

    Every couple's boundaries will be different, but every couple in our situations need boundaries.
     
  12. Richie.

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    I'm well aware of my selfishness, and I'm not a selfish person in general, I've stepped back I haven't been home for 24 hours and had no contact with the missus even though she was texting me last night and playing mind games, I ignored her... Which led to my removal from her FB friends list, one thing I'm coming to terms with for now, is we can't be friends... She needs time.. Simple... One day I hope we can, but for today... Nope..

    Thanks for the replies everyone..
     
  13. Clay

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    Judging from the way she's acting I think she thinks you're playing games with her.

    Chances are you will be able to be friends, despite the facebook thing, but you can't kiss her like that. From her perspective you were showing her affection, then telling her you never want to sleep with her again and blanking her. You'll need to find that middle ground, the friend zone, in between kissing her one day and blanking her another.
     
  14. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Richie, you both are having a hard time getting through moving beyond having an intimate relationship so physical contact is counter-productive for you both right now. Stick with your limits, focus your energy on getting yourself pulled together, on keeping a healthy relationship with the kids and give your wife the time a space she needs to begin to deal with the fact that life is changing and it will never be the same as it was before.

    The FB thing is just noise, a distraction, at this point. WTF does a social media website have to do with how the two of you interact with each other -- nothing. I started to go off on a FB rant but won't hijack this thread. The point is you just focus on getting yourself healthy emotionally; she is an adult and needs to take responsibility for getting herself healthy as well for her own sake and both of you for the kids.