I came to the realization at 35 that I am a lesbian. That was about a year ago. I have actually come out to most of my family and friends. I have had gay friends for most of my life. I have always been pro-gay, that is why I was so stunned when I figured out that I was probably gay. You would have thought that someone who was so okay with others being gay would be super comfortable embracing her gay, but I wasn't. There was no one incident that prevented me from understanding my truth. I believe a chorus of anti-gay messages and stereotypes probably let me know really early that it wasn't okay to be gay from others. I have spent my whole life trying to live up to an ideal that I know now I was never meant to be. As I have uncovered so much of what I was keeping from myself, it has been freeing but also scary. How can I trust myself when I have been lying to myself for so long? Still, everyday I have been getting more comfortable with my real identity. Still, in this process I have covered such homophobia in me. I am scared to death of being a butchy dyke. I feel like I am losing the old me at a rapid pace and I am suddenly even more confused as to who I am as I become more aware of what I am. My capacity for self-acceptance has improved...but I uncover more areas of self hating every day. My biggest source of comfort during this has been my best friends. A gay male couple I have known over a decade. They have been pushing me to continue to explore this new identity and just be okay with who I am. It has been working, with regular set backs. Well, last night was a huge set back. I was playing a pool game on my iphone and finally won. I was so geeked that I exclaimed in celebration. My best friend (the person I have known the longest in my life) looked at me in disgust and said, "my god, you are such a lesbian. Everyday you look more like a boy. It is so obvious. If I would have met you now I would have never been your friend." Like, oh my god, you are one of them. I felt a dagger go through me. It doesn't help that I am going through cancer treatment and I have no hair, I am not working...so I have been wearing nothing but hoodies and jeans....wearing wigs are just so uncomfortable!.... But, this was my oldest, bestest friend saying this. I fucking lost it. As he realized what he said, he kept apologizing...but it felt hollow. I couldn't even look him in the eyes anymore because it hurt so much. Him and his partner tried to explain it off...low blood sugar, I have changed so much...it is just their astonishment in my recent realizations and how much I was obviously holding back who I really was....blah, blah, blah. Still, I feel deeply hurt. They tried to get me stoned and talk about the areas I am still struggling, and I couldn't speak. I just completely shut down. I felt my energy collapse upon itself. I wanted to not exist. I could clearly understand why gay teens kill themselves. I don't know if I could have done all of this in my teens. I don't think I could have handled it. Now I feel even more reluctant to relax and be me because my best friend confirmed my greatest fear...now that I can be perceived as one of thos "butchy" dykes for some reason I feel like I am defined as ugly, not worthy of a place in society, an embarrassment. I find it hard to date because I am scared that I might find a connection to someone, and others will be grossed out by us. I don't want to be gross. I don't want to be the butt of anyone else's joke, I am tired of the carabiner jokes, the Keens jokes....just all the ways that someone feels the need to catagorize a lesbian. I never wanted to be gay. I have purposely led a sexless, loveless life so I didn't have to face the fact that I am gay. I was feeling like I was softening my stance, really making progress. But, all I feel like doing is puking my guts out and hiding under the covers in my bed for the next century. I hate this feeling!
Rose, I've struggled most of my life coming to terms with accepting myself. I didn't finally turn that corner until I finally hit rock bottom, kinda like a drug addict or alcoholic, last year. In a very real sense, my closet was (is) my drug. It numbs the pain of being "different", it's an escape from reality, it's a way to "fit in" and be "normal". But in reality all it does is feed the demons in your mind so they have a stronger hold on you. I finally asked myself, why do I care what anyone else thinks of me if I can't be honest about what I think of me? That's when I really started to accept myself. When I could look at myself, the real me hiding in my closet, and say to myself: you're never going to be well, a whole person, a person of integrity, until you drag yourself out of hiding and face the world as the real you. I've recounted my story here before you're welcome to see for yourself the depths of self-loathing I'm capable of; but at the end of the day, I've decided not the give up on myself. Sure there will be more setbacks and disappointments, maybe even more pain than I've experienced before, but the only way to find my own integrity is to move forward and deal with the results of my choices.
I recognize myself in much of what you write. I am very publicly supportive of lgbt issues but not out at all. Every time I get closer to accepting who I am something comes along to set me back. Whether it's a friend making a homophobic statement or meeting a woman I find a slight attraction too something always pops up to recycle my internal struggle. For me it's a seemingly endless and destructive cycle. I fear very much what you've just endured with your friends and it sucks. People often suck. Most importantly I fear being treated different than the way I've been treated all along....maybe some will treat me better maybe some worse but in the end they will likely all treat me different in some fashion. You are leaps and bound stronger than I am and at the end of the day if you feel you are becoming more your authentic self regardless of what others say you are moving in the best direction for you.
Hi Rose. I'm sorry that you are going through all this. That your "friend" would say something to you that was so hurtful is hard to believe. As has already been said - getting beyond what others think of us is what we need to do in order to be comfortable with being authentic. People that will make jokes about you and your future girlfriend are not worth worrying about - because what will be important is your happiness and that of your girlfriend. Nothing else. What I still struggle with is the self hatred. I'm dealing with a bad phase of it now myself. I'm doing some reading and some counselling / therapy and coming to believe that there were things in my childhood that set me down a path of internalizing shame. I don't know what those things are, but the resulting adult certainly fits the description that I'm now reading about. I just hope that in time and with help I can overcome all of that somehow. I spent years in addiction, which is a typical response apparently, and now even in recovery I struggle to be happy. At any rate, you're not alone here. I'd really suggest spending time with the friends that are supportive (the gay couple) and not so much with the person who made that comment (because I sensed that they were different people - why would a gay man make that kind of comment about a lesbian?!?) Take care. All the best with your cancer treatments as well.
Rose, I am so sorry that your friend said that. It's hard to even fathom someone saying to they'd be friends with you or not based on your appearance. It says FAR MORE about his values and priorities than about you. You have a value as a person independent of the length or your hair, your outfit today, and your cancer/ health status. I don't mean to offend or overstep. But I am a woman of faith and from that place, respectfully, I assure you that you are a beloved child of God/ the higher power/ the universe/ the earth just as you are. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are a beautiful living creature. Please do not let your friend's skewed values undermine your own self worth. PS. I find girls with short hair and "butchy dykes" really attractive. Who cares what a couple of gay guys think about a lesbian couple? They don't find women attractive at all anyway. You can't go based on their opinion. I love seeing lesbian couples of and about : )
WOW.....Rose there is nothing that can be said in your "best friend's" defense. This is not an issue about you. As much as this sucks now you will recover and be stronger for it. Some folks can't handle change and would prefer you stay the same your whole life. Won't happen. Stay with the supportive types and get away from the others. Good luck and stay strong!
Another self-hater here, Rose. How in the world could I be gay and Christian? It took me many years to learn that God made me just the way I am. He loves whosoever so he loves me. I wish it hadn't taken me fifty years to embrace it.
Hi, How is this... I simply went Universalist accepting the kernels of truth that all theologies hold and dumping the dogma. I have said it 1,000 times... There is a reason why The Gospel of Thomas was withheld from the bible. Too close to the truth... === 28. Jesus said, "I took my stand in the midst of the world, and in flesh I appeared to them. I found them all drunk, and I did not find any of them thirsty. My soul ached for the children of humanity, because they are blind in their hearts and do not see, for they came into the world empty, and they also seek to depart from the world empty. But meanwhile they are drunk. When they shake off their wine, then they will change their ways." === So Christians are still unthinking drunks, spewing hate in the name of God, but some are sobering up. Tom
Hi Rose, I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. One thing I try to remember when people say hurtful things like that is that more often than not they are being spoken from their own issues or perhaps their own pain. I know that doesn't excuse it or make it better, but we are all frail in some way and say stupid things. Again, I'm very sorry that you even had to experience that. I struggle with the same things, Rose. Its like one part of me just knows I'm a lesbian. I'm not bi, I'm a lez. But can I really admit it and own it? Not yet, and its likely because of many of the things you mention in your post. I'm pretty much a femme, but I'm still kinda tough in some ways. Carve out your own identity My heart goes out to you. I really wish I had the words to help. Please come back and let us all know how you are doing.
Rose- I know this is difficult for you to see objectively because your are so rightly hurt by what happened, but think of sitting in a restaurant and hearing a person tell another person the story of what happened to you. ANYONE would agree that the so called "best friend" is a word class loser, devoid of compassion and quite shallow. It is sad that it left you hurt when in reality it should have been your best friend who left that night thinking "oh geez, i can't believe i said or thought that, i am the most shallow person and worst friend to Rose!" When the pain has subsides - and it will - you can look at her and say "remember that thing you said that night? well after seeing you for who you are. it is ME -Rose- who, if "met YOU now I would have never been your friend" because you are so obviously not capable of being a good friend.
That was a truly horrible thing for your "friend" to say. I don't blame you for being hurt. But I totally hear you about not wanting to come out even though you were supportive. I went through a time (more than once) where I was a big ally but I kept denying the truth about myself. I'm really sorry your friends aren't more supportive. That's horrible.
