This Is Me - wiht bad spetting..

Hi All.
Worry for the bad grammer, my fingers hurt from all the typing, and i have had no sleep.

this is some key points of my life, pertinant to EC.
Love you all, love love me (please lo)

who me? - ill tell you anyhow..
activley hated all wimmen in late teens, as abandoned, parents spit at 15, i lived with dad, he diagnosed withe the big C after 6 months, I hated her totally, as she cheated on him and ran out on us...which killed him, (so how can i possibly do the same now,, omg)
we had a caraven we rented out to another broken family, a mum and several kids, they became good friends at the time ( i was still in school), so i went to live with them after dad died at 17 (mom cam back and took the fin house of course, i left and went homless). - they all fooked off a few months later to live abroad, so i was doubly abandoned, went badly down hill after that, self harm, attempted ending it all that, lots of drugs, until quite unstable... anyhow, so messed up late teens, ok, and oh yes, never lost virginity till 21.. yikes.
had nightmare puberty, some hetro thoughst, but mostly gay, loved it, but ended up parceling it up, promised that bit of myself, "hid there till your thirty", as no way possible to come out as gay, I woudl oloose all my friends, and they were all i had and no family, so only friends was all i had.(and it was all my imagination i theorozed, form lack of sexual function, my brain getting desperate i conisedered)
so, the night i lost my virginity ( to a girl by the way) I didnt want to do it, I wanted to tell my best mate that every night i though of him ( we used to hang out and do drugs), but he was standing in front of me, "go on man, youl love it, shes waiting for you", so iff i go , off me head, she takes my hand, and takes me of somehwere quiet - (i had not met here before, but she knew me from afar, and had been longing for me),so she takes me sucks it, wow.
so we end up seeing eachother for a while..
then i stop it, as got urges for anouther girl - eek, trying to redefine myself as totally not gay atall, stop doing my hair a few years back etc, paraniod to the max, totall headfuk life, so time passes, i ended up gettin together wiht this other girl, (turns out she seduced me in the end though) - i had had a mad time, face paralysis for six weeks, which i managed to cure wiht a bug blob of lsd after 6 weeks... whata trip..
the girtl was trippy also, she had been dreaming of having my kid etc, so no protection sex. takes like 3 times and she preggers - im 23 at this time, in a mess, nearly went down on several blokes, but had managed to stop myself at the last minute, lost lost lost, spiraling down the drain, no shoes (literally) , no job, no life... quite a spiritual chap. so she teslls me she is pregnant! whwo the releiv, im goign to be a parent and carry on out line (im the last male) so fucked up as it is we have the child - fbrilliant, best thing ever, what a dude. we split up a 8 months late,r she always complained sex was stressfull wiht me, I ues to fantasize I was a lesbian, turned me on big time, then i could do the bizz)
so I sort myself out, clean up, train get job, compute programming, (i have an excelent brain which survived, well enought of it to work anyhow) so i move 200 miles away, good opertunerty for gay expolration , as well as work, but naver managed to find th etime, workign like a mental head all thew time, and driving 650 miles a week to get back to look after the lad, whilst she went out shagging.. strissfull shit - and all the time the posability we might get together, im sleepign in her house each weekend on th esofa for a year...
fast forward 7 years..... I moved cities twice, but still drove all that way each weekend, every weekend to look after him.. so finally move back closer, he is now living in my house, 7days a week, no space ever, so I just smoke pot a lot and play co,putergames and do the dad thing all the itme, sacrificed my life to do this.
then the first girl drifted back, she was a nice person, trusting, kind and considerate, not like the nasty ex, even though I was quite sure I was gay, as I knew i was, I thought I could control it, and it was only getting worse (my gay desires and attractions) as I had not had sex in like 7 years now... So we got together - the first mornign, I reached my hands round her waist to find the manhood, and it was not there, omg, nooo, im not wih a man, I cry tears, she asks why, I lie.
so, over the next weeks, I have to decide, to continue or not, and I deicide that I would continue, but have to never let here down, ever, have already done that in the past (im her tru love it turns out, and already messed her about a decade previous)
and that as i had successfully not gone totaly gay yet, then i could manage it a bit longer.....and my life was pretty crap, no one to share it with..
so we mov ein together, she wants kids, balls... ok, so a kid, no sex, she hassling all the time, sex like 1ce every 3 months, course it happens again, wtf!
ok, so now never vaginal ever since.. except a year or two late,r and wtbf!!! another!!!!!
so no i have 4 kids, and will never be able to wait for them to grow up and leave, and my promised self starts to kick off again -
she been workign on me a few yeasr now, trying to work out wtf im about, and then one night i expode, trash me shit up, and she sits me adown and asks me wthell it is, i tell her, .. even though she like 2 months in .., and 3 after our wedding... (yes decided had to honour our live, and family bonding with marrige)
so out to her for 2.5 years now, and we have spoken about it a lot of course, and she thinks (she says, or could it be a reverse trick?) im toatly gay, but that our love is strong enough to hold us together.
I am not so sure... and am outing myself even so I have the lives of so many of us on the lines, its horrible....
so here we are today... thats a little titbit of my history.
Oh yes, a bit more, fsakes, yes, i got me best mate as best man, even though all this time i wanted him, i just hoped that's just the pot taliking (big smoker)
so now no way will he go wiht me, even if he is, which he might be (his hot bro is, but is out of bounds as its his younger bro, mid twenties now) - aarg.
So Im out to him, my wife, my sister, and my mum, who i do speak to now (started to talk after the first kid being born), anothe rmate, and the neighbour (i freaked out this wekeend and trashed the house a bit pissed and had to explain, oh and all the makup! lol, this weekend went to family do glammed up... my first time ever, felt beautifull, still got the makeup on now, some of it, and have been to work two days wiht makup on - wow hot sh1t, and im getiting some interesting talking going on and attention, from my office crush! wow - it might happen any day.....
Wofe has said that she wants me to be happy, and to find myself, bles sher, she loves me so much, as do i her (but not sexually, but she damed good, so...every few weeks we have encounters, but only ever anal for the last 3 years..
she does me, i do her...
hmm, need to get out, out out, let me out.... im right, im the one, trust me, trust yourself, get out, aaaarrrgggg. bang bang crash etc etc.. stupid fek am i.

all this has taken like an hour to write, whcih is ok, as im insomiacal also, get like 3 or 4 hours sleep on avarage, making up with the occasional 8 hourer.
neither of us has had an undisturbed nights sleep for 8 years now, as of all the kids everywhere......
meeentaaaallllll - and im so worried what ill do, and how it l harm all my great kids (4 boys) and her, and me, will i hate myself even more for breaking all this? or will i accept my actions, and not take it out on myself??
I consider myself at risk, but dont worry, im strong, wont do anything awful.
not like ranting in the street at 4:30 am, "im right, im right, fuk all you bitches, I'm fuking right, fuc you all, , im right, im right, from now on its my way " yak yak yak..
sheesh... chill dude....
So would live to have a sex change still, but don't think that's a sensible course of action, unless i had enough money.. hmm.
so gay today, but still not experienced!!! aarg...she has said i can do it, and we will have to deal with the aftermath, so im getting there slowley.
don't think she means it though, and i recon she will breakdown if i did do it....
so might go for threesome instead, or hire a man for the night or something, - I don't want that though, i want a relationship, and not sure if I want my first gay sex with my wife in the room....
mental deadling of 12 days form today... my 40th birthday - so only a decade late i guess.
might announce it to the workd -
oh met some of her family tonight, wiht makeup on, they were, suprised, ha ha.
lets see how this goes.....

oh, and to answer the question, I was always hiding half of myself (i feel) altough was very willing to try my best.
With kids about it changes everyting (never not had kids it feels like, itl be 27 years of school journeys by the time I'm finished here..)
Away form her and the kids, I'm very gay, but hide it away when home as cant really function otherwise , and really trying not to fek up all their lives ...
eldest is 17 now, but thankfully, at his mums during week, here weekend, the rest are youNger, 1, 5, 7.
I have fucked p my life a bit, but i sure as hell cant live wihtmyself i i fuck it for my kids... with then might just have to leave...
I did plott to run away, fake a drowning or somehting and leave forever, but go live elsewhere, , but thats no bloody good. - have moved past that now and decided to come out to the world, kids and all.(well lets see,iif i do anyting or just waffle waffle waffle - oh an no, i am clean clean clean, hence having the nerve to face myself)
tc lovies

thank for reading, xxxXXxxx

 

Hi UkGuy -
A respondee!
thanks dude!
self medicating I am, all good. mental faculties and control net in place.
Thanks, were looking out for each other. a funny week it has been....
been thinking, better to have a dad with pink hair than none atall, or somethign like that.
I do hope this is not my wild imagination (being gay - I know the truth thou, confusing) , I guess, with the situation as it is, that I just cant pursue it, men and mansex, but will see.
my sis has offered to take me out to some clubs, to check it out, and to keep me safe!
worried ill get sh*t from the locals here.. pha - their problem, but nice offer bless her.
growing up a bit i hope.
wife emailed me in work today (i have lost my phone in drunken rage at weekend messupski - had it for 3 years, a whole lot of history there.. remote wipe disabled of course!), anyhow she was sayign she crying on the inside, and she doe snot want a gay husband (amongst lots of other similar things) - well who can blame her, but it did gutwrench me massive, so went and bought a phone and called her back, were ok, and i have not backed off from my intention, but how on earth can this ever work out, without me leaving her to hell wiht the kids and no help, or husband? and they are young... but i cant and wont put it off, or ignore, or pretend not how it is, but we love each other, i cant just be a sh****r to her..
hmmm
oh, yes, im 6"2, slender, gracefull, good looking, pretty athletickish, but not superfit.
so love love ..
a song i sing to myself at work sometimes to keep me going is a few lines form the adams family, "be who you want to be, " etc, helps.
have bought peroxide to bleach my hair, and a load of vibrant pink to go on after, if i can carry it off at work, no problem elsewhere, - i do have a good job, dont want to loose it.
might just do it in stages, blonde first.. then perhaps mental flaming orange...
- better for the kids to have a dad with mental hair then no dad.
concerned all this will mess with my eldests (17) head a bit, have avoided him a bit recently, which is a regret, but don't want to poison his mind... not that i would , but its a touchy subject. no good me saying i dont knwo what the fek im am or am doing at my age.. I'm supposed to have the answers lol. will face them soon.
good luck everyone out there!

---------- Post added 19th Feb 2014 at 01:34 PM ----------

oh yes, - the colour is "shocking pink" lol.
hmm, might get me mugged.. perhaps the blue is safer..
was thinking, if ever went out dressed up, rings, sharp pointy ones, for self protection, then at least would not hit like a pansy, even though look a bit like one...

 

Hi Everyone, /waves, /shy look in eye/head turns and a wry smile is displayed
Just have had deep convo with wife, (told here two and a half years ago I think im gay), but have always been although convinced myself, not 110%, certainly not enough to tell kids etc.
Tonight (3am here) she managed to get me to open further to the next step, and for her to accept me as gay, not bisexual - which is a big step. (sounds small typing it, but major major, shaking tears the works) - but this is it.
Our youngest is only 18mths old, so bit of a turmulos last few years (well, whole life for me)
She held the light of acceptance to me, and has helped me to accept myself fully 100%. my whole life, wow, bammo, omg!! yeeessss!!!!! /jumps round room hopping and skipping gaily/
I have now (thank goodness) accepted everything, all the details of my life laid in front of me, to analyze and check, wow. released from so much turmoil for my whole life until now..
I love her amazing soul and light, not as a woman, as a soul, a person, a being and we love each other.
I am 100% gay and am happy and confident and at peace.
Next steps.. well, lets see. wont hurry it, but I can with this new found peace I can face my kids (eldest 17) and be open honest, understanding, caring, - I can do it as im at peace, Im there.
I can have a boyfriend, I can let myself do this - tomorrow is going to be great!!!
ended up not doing my hair if your interested, but makup perhaps tomorrow. (or save them the hassle at work, i dont need to showoff quite so hurridly i guess, will see what the day brings.)
Peace, Love, Light sanity, calm!