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How do I know if I'm in the closet or just really confused?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Feb 20, 2014.

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  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    For the past 3 years I've been questioning who I am.I'm a 30 year old woman who has 2 young children to my male partner we have been together since high school.I have always knew I liked the same sex from an early age but never explored it but was content to call myself bisexual as I had same sex attraction and knew I was different from an early age but couldn't quite put my finger on it.7 years later and I'm finding my feelings starting to resurface but a lot more stronger then ever before it all started after I found myself crushing over a gay friend then I would go online purposely seeking out gay women to chat too.At first I didn't think anything of it just thought it'd be nice to connect with someone online 3 years later I've turned into this obsessed person on my sexuality my heads saying I'm gay but my heart just doesn't know.I have been trying to meet gay women online for friendships only as I feel so out of touch with my current surroundings.I can't think normally I'm constantly in fear of what might happen if I was gay but something inside tells me this is the life I was supposed to live.Ive lost all sexual desire for my partner I've tried talking to him but he doesn't understand to make matters worse he doesn't believe in homosexuality he has never claimed in the beginning to be against it I assumed he excepted me as bisexual but he now tells me It was just a phase.I feel so alone I can't get back to the way I use to be where I just lived life and didn't think about who I was.I have been trying everything to get my kind out of this constant thinking that I'm gay.I feel so stuck in my own mind I've never felt this trapped by constant thoughts and fears.How do I know if I'm in the closet? Or just confused?
     
    #1 LostMyself, Feb 20, 2014
  2. LostInside

    LostInside
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    Nice to meet you. You are in the right place, i have found so many similar stories on here and its comforting to know I'm not alone. I've also been in a relationship with a man since high school and have always known i was attracted to women. I have slowly been losing interest over the years, but still trying to make it work. Its getting to the point that i can't anymore. There are many understanding people on here that are willing to offer advice as you try to figure things out.
     
    #2 LostInside, Feb 20, 2014
  3. Molly1977

    Molly1977
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    I feel so alone I can't get back to the way I use to be where I just lived life and didn't think about who I was

    I have cut out this text from your message above as I think it says a lot about where you are at the moment. You have just started to think about yourself and it is painful. I am going through a simular thing to you I have only recently started to think about what I need for my life. Its hard to think about what you want for yourself when you have spent so many years just thinking about other people.
     
    #3 Molly1977, Feb 20, 2014
  4. LostInside

    LostInside
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    For me i feel like i have been living a lie. I've stayed with my boyfriend for so long because we are great together and was willing to accept this fault to keep it going. Kind of have the feeling I've stayed to avoid dealing with the truth and because i don't want to hurt him. I care so deeply for him and he has always been there for me. I didn't intentionally do this, it just happened because i was afraid of myself. I thought if i lied to myself long enough i would start to believe i was straight...it doesn't work like that. It just leads to self hatred and being unhappy. Fear can hold us back so much and sometimes seems impossible to get past it, but talking about it helps lessen it some.
     
    #4 LostInside, Feb 20, 2014
  5. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Thankyou all for your words.I feel like I'm sinking into depression I fearful of the future of the possibility of living a lie.I recall signs that I just ignored and I don't know why I feel my lack of descion making came from my parents who were not emotionally there for myself or my sibilings an my partner fit the role of a stable person in my life.I had always wanted children I didn't care if it was the right time or not I just felt like something was pulling me in that direction.Now I have come to realise if I had of listened to my urges that would of answered my emptiness.I love my children more then anything and I always put them first before anything or anyone it breaks my heart how now I finally realising that what I wanted may have just been me in denial of who I am and I replaced my feelings with having children instead to feel my emptiness inside which I'm starting to think was my sexuality.I have no sexual desire for my partner at all and I try pushing myself to have sex but find I keep making excuses I think he knows but when I bring it up he tells me to go leave and be gay.I don't honestly know if what I'm feeling is really real.I see flags in my past now where I have avoided long term commitments having children is long term but in my mind I could not commit to buying a house or getting married as I felt those things were much harder to walk away from as to with kids I could just be a single parent and have no long term debts.Other things was me crushing over a friend of his I had actually tried to come onto her in my high school years.Is it really possible chatting to lesbians online or finding yourself attracted to women enough to ignite your sexuality? Or would that just be considered as lust? I finding myself looking at ways to meet gay women go to gay events but then the morally hetro side kicks in and says no thins is wrong you have a family.Feel like I. Going to be bringing everyone down in this cycle of confusion.Sorry about my long reply back
     
    #5 LostMyself, Feb 20, 2014
  6. Lilli

    Lilli Guest

    Hi LostMyself,

    Please dont be so hard on yourself for questioning. Its ok to question and want to explore that you are possibly a lesbian.

    For me, I had all kinds of signs that I was a lesbian that I dismissed or brushed aside for reasons I cant pinpoint.

    I just dont feel attraction toward men and am *just* beginning to be able to embrace my attraction to women. I am not married and never had kids, so this is an exciting phase in life for me... a little scary at times but definitely exciting.

    Please also dont feel like you need to pressure yourself into a decision or have to come to any concrete conclusions about your sexuality right away. There's no rush :slight_smile: But also please dont deny or dismiss just to make things easier.

    All the best to you. Please keep us posted. I may not always comment, but I do read most if not all posts in this forum. *hugs*
     
    #6 Lilli, Feb 20, 2014
  7. farmgirl

    farmgirl
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    Hi Lostmyself I am right there beside you. Married for 20 years two kids and confused! I have gotten to the point of wanting to accept that I may be Bi but I know in my gut it's probably more. Maybe it's a process. I kept beating myself up for not knowing as it is causing pain for my husband but the reality is I am going through a process. I think there is grieving that has to happen as well. I wonder if that may be part of your depression.
    Easy for me to say…but don't be so hard on yourself as it will feed your depression. I have dealt with a couple of very serious bouts of depression in my life so I can relate. I ended up finding an amazing counselor and I committed to attending monthly. This has helped me greatly.
    You are not alone here!
     
    #7 farmgirl, Feb 20, 2014
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