I was really excited to find the EC web site and the forums. There is so much crap I need to get off my chest. And now as I sit and try to write a post, I find it difficult. I want to yell, cry, scream, hit something, all at the same time. For the moment, I guess, suffice it to say that something has happened to rock the foundations of my deeply closeted life and prompted me to reach out. If I don’t, I fear I’ll lose my mind. As I read some of the other posts here, I feel my story is not that much different from many of you. I think I knew something was different with me in high school, but I kept it to myself. I went to college in the late 70s - early 80s, lived in an all-male dorm. I dated women a couple of times to keep up appearances with my dorm mates, but in the end I quit dating, convincing myself (and everyone else) that I really needed to focus on my studies. I started my accounting career in the early 80s, still solo. Well-meaning co-workers, friends and family members kept trying to set me up with women, but I just wasn't interested. And the funny thing is, I don't remember any particular pressure from anyone to find a girl, get married and have kids, not even from my parents. At this time, I think I was coming to terms that I was gay. I bought Hustler magazine at the local news stand...to look at the well-equipped men...I could not care less about the women, but it was safe to buy Hustler because it had the women. I'd drive to the next city (had to maintain my anonymity) to rent gay porno videos from the sleazy adult stores. Later, in the late 80s, I went to graduate school. It was then I came face to face with AIDS: two classmates died of the disease during school. I decided to deeply bury myself in the closet and conform to the “norms”. Besides, I wanted to live a long life. The message I got was Gay = Death. I finished school and resumed my career. And all the way to this time I was never sexually active. A job change returned me to my hometown and in early 1990 I was introduced to a sweet lady with two boys, aged 13 and 8. She was 36 and I was 32. We dated and nine months later got married. About a year later, we adopted our youngest son. In spite of me, all three boys grew up to be good men, husbands and fathers and I’m very proud of them. Like any couple, I suppose, my wife and I have had good years and bad years in our journey together. At first, the sex was good and enjoyable, but as time went on, sex with her lost its appeal. We’ve not had sex in years and I know she is deeply hurt, but I have been unable to tell her the real reason and I’m scared sh*tless to come out to her or anyone else. I have this false image to protect, you know. I tried therapy...couldn’t bring myself to tell the therapist I am gay. I have cheated on my wife with another man on a couple of occasions. I have done so much damage, I can acknowledge that now, yet I continue to live a lie, live in the closet. What has brought me here? I should KNOW BETTER but I now find myself totally infatuated with a 31-year old guy who is married and has two young boys. He is the music director of my church. I can’t imagine anything more screwed up than this. It is late and writing just this little bit has been exhausting. Has “talking” about it here tonight helped? Don’t know.
It's really too late for me to comment in depth, but you're coming to terms with who you are and what you want...even if you can't have it. Try therapy again and make a point of coming out to him/her...it's about as safe a place as any. It was a year before I came out to mine. It's made a big difference. I couldn't just read what you wrote and not tell you that most of us have been where your at now, if not with the specifics. You're being brave just by sharing. Your pain is something we've all felt, the same guilt, the same shame. You'll get through it and be stronger for it. I can barely keep my eyes open, but your pain was so palpable I couldn't just leave it. I hpoe I've helped. If you want to talk more you now where to find me. (*hug*)
Alf55... Welcome to EC. I came aboard here just last October. You are going to be amazed at the strength you'll draw from the people on this site. Many of us have been or we're in the stages you're experiencing now. Each of us has our own journey, and our own timeline. But the wisdom and support will help you through the hardest times and you'll have a place to share in the good times as well. There are two TED talks by Brene Brown that I strongly recommend that you watch. They were meaningful to me. You can find them on google or the TED app on the App Store. Also, Ash Beckham has a TED talk about life in the closet that is a powerful message. tscott is right, we're here for you... Join the conversation!
Hi alf55, I've been visiting this site since last October as well, the people here will give you all the support you need. Keep talking and we will keep listening. xx Love Molly
Hi, It is amazing. Just over a year ago I was a total unique anomaly nobody could understand. Today I am as common as grass. Feels good. Welcome to the open branch of our tribe. I am worried about our firmly closeted brothers who think they are unique freaks and suffering alone and in silence. This issue really needs to be main lined. Stop the pain. Again, WELCOME brother. Tom
Hi Alf55 - The first thing that absolutely shocked me when I found EC was the sheer number of people in the same situation, married, often kids, knew we were gay for years on some level (generally consciously but completely unaccepted), and as time goes by it gets harder and harder to deny and pretend. The worst part of being in the closet, especially the longer you've been there, is the feeling that you're going it alone, no one understands, and no one cares. Let me tell you, that's totally wrong. You are not alone in this, and we understand and care. We have to. We need understanding and care too, because we're in the same place, or in different stages of getting ourselves out of it. So keep reading and keep posting. There's a lot of acceptance and healing here. John
Congratulations on writing out your story! "Not out at all," not even to your therapist, means that this is one of the first times you admitted to others, and maybe yourself, that you are gay (well, there was that guy you cheated with, but we won't count that one ). I remember well the strange and exhilarating feeling I had when I first shared my true thoughts and feelings here on EC. I think one of the things I longed for most as a total closet case was just being able to share my thoughts about the way I feel about guys with other people - anybody really! Keep your posts coming, for our sake and yours!
Hi Alf55, welcome to the crew; you're definitely not alone, we've just been conditioned to be experts in camouflage so we remain well-hidden. So here's the deal from my perspective on what needs to happen: first, get your head around the fact that you're gay, you've made choices in life based on a part of you that you did not choose and cannot change, choices based on self-preservation in a culture that shuns being different. You're not the bad guy, nor are you a victim. You did what needed to be done to survive, that's all any of us can do really. So now the question is what do you need to survive from this point forward? You've acknowledged being gay but are your prepared to embrace that part of yourself? Are you willing to clear the air with your wife, doesn't she deserve honesty from you now? Last, the infatuation with the music director at church... I can totally understand that, but two things to think about: 1) do you have any reason to think he is closeted too and there could possibly ever be anything between you other than friendship? and; 2) do you really want to insert yourself between him and his wife and kids secretly if he is receptive to a relationship with you? It's one thing to secretly crush on someone who's unreachable for whatever reason, but if it is impacting your real relationships you really need to reevaluate where you're going with that line of thinking and probably talking it out with a therapist would help a lot.
This statement ^ was very telling. I think you could try again. By letting it spill out in a safe environment you stand a good chance to understand yourself. And on EC too of course! Welcome to EC
Hi All - Thank you for your welcoming and supportive comments. I was exhausted last night after I finished posting so I went right to bed. I woke up this morning, saw that I had some e-mails from EC and logged in. I re-read my post and my first reaction was "Oh My GOD - did I really put that out there?" Yes I did and guess what? The world did not come to an end. I've changed my mood indicator to "better." I do feel better, but I know I have a long way to go. Many of you have encouraged me to continue to post...be careful what you ask for. :lol: Choirboy - I saw your post on my wall. I tried to post a response but it appears I have to have 10 posts in the forums before I can do that. I am a church musician (piano & organ) and choir member (bass) as well. GayDadStr8Marig - Your comments and observations were quite direct and to the point. I appreciate that very much and you are right to bring up the questions you did. I have lots to process now and some important decisions to make. Walking home from work tonight I decided to return to therapy. I live in a small town so I hope I can find a good therapist. And I won’t dodge The Issue this time, after all it’s now out in the open here. As to my infatuation and to answer your first question - I have no real reason to think he is closeted and no real reason to believe there can be anything more between us than a good friendship. I do need to keep it all in proper perspective so in the end, it’s just a crush on a kind young man who helped to bring music back into my life. I have played the piano since I was 8. I quit playing and sold my beautiful piano ten years ago because of severe hearing loss in both ears. Eventually my doctors determined that my hearing loss was caused by an auto-immune disorder and through treatment and diet changes, it gradually came back to a point where I can function without hearing aids, not that they helped much to begin with. My wife and I moved here three years ago and joined the church we now attend. I started singing in the choir right away. In passing, I mentioned to our music director that I used to play the piano and organ and why I quit. He picked up on that and encouraged me to start playing again and offered lessons to help me get back into it. I’m grateful for that. Music is not my profession, but it was and is again a big part of my life. I play a lot now, mainly in church, and he tells people that he considers me to be his assistant. I’m happy with that. Something funny...He and I play piano duets occasionally to accompany the choir or the congregation. During practice, for the first couple of times, our hands would touch (something inevitable while playing duets) and he would react, jerking his hand back and constantly saying “sorry.” It was disruptive to my concentration and finally I blurted out to him “Quit apologizing! We’re playing on the same instrument. Our hands are going to touch. Relax and get on with it.” Since then, when our forearms and hands touch, we seem to linger together a little longer than what is written in the music. That perception probably exists only in my little fantasy world. GayDadStr8Marig - you asked if I really want to insert myself between him and his wife and kids secretly if he is receptive to a relationship with me. To tell you the truth, I think it would be nice to have an intimate relationship with him, but I don’t think I could go through with that, even if HE opened the door to a relationship. He is the first male friend I have had in 30 years to share a common interest in music. I enjoy his occasional company and I am content with that. I'm thinking about uploading my picture into an album here.
No pressure here on posting anything, you do what you feel comfortable doing. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with crushing on someone when its kept in perspective and doesn't interfere with your friendship. Enjoy spending time with each other! Just having people in your life you are comfortable with is a blessing.
In AA/NA they have what they call 'the bottom' - The bottom is the place you hit when you can fall no further, it is usually the deepest darkest moments in your life that you suddenly realize 'I can't keep doing this this way.' With AA/NA 'this way' usually means doing drugs/or drinking... For you its reaching the point where you can no longer deny who are and need to stop living the lie. Understand cheating on the wife ain't a good thing.. however it appears you want to continue doing that because for some reason being a cheater is more acceptable to you than being gay.... I think you have a ways to go before you hit your bottom. I feel for you, I really do... but I fear this is one battle no one else can fight for you... YOU need to decide when its time to break these bonds come clean and face the consequences and then try to gain some happiness from what ever is left of your life. I assure, if you continue down the road time will run out, and you will miss out on many potentials you most likely only dream about.
Good to have another pianist/organist in the "tribe". I'm largely self-taught and learned mostly by listening and imitating, but have been doing it for decades so I guess I'm either a talented amateur, or a professional in spite of myself. I also had a severe ear infection about 20 years ago that resulted in some nerve deafness in that ear, so I wear a hearing aid as well. It helps, but a lot of the notes above about a treble C are pretty indistinguishable from one another, particularly when I have someone singing close by. It is good for a few laughs, though, since I can tell people I am the "deaf organist who plays by ear"! I think we've all posted things and then gone back to them and thought, "Oooh, TMI there!" Don't worry about it. Holding things in is what put us in this situation in the first place, after all, and being open and realistic about ourselves is what will draw us out eventually. Son't be afraid to share, and don't worry that you'll be judged. We all have our stories. As I mentioned, my married crush has FOUR kids and I suspect he's just a rather physical guy. Nice to dream, though! Keep posting. We want to get to know you. John
Hi, welcome. For me, my wife managed to get me to tell her when i was in a rage and wrecking all my stuff in my shed, as it was so serious, and i was doing myself both physical and mental harm, i told her that i thought i was gay. For the next two and a half years we talked a lot, and tried a few bedroom tricks, but that only served to reinforce to me that this is the truth. Just recently have accepted i am gay, and always have been, one of this thi g that i could not do by myself, she had to coax me into saying it fully, i could not do it with my eyes open, but had to lie huddle down and close.my eyes and hold her hand and she managed to get me to accept myself. I had a bit of a crazed shaking fit as this happened, she calmed me down and we have both accepted this as truth now, my whole life was present before me, and i could see the truth of it. Denial is a bitch. Sadly my wife now knows we can no longer stay together as a result of acceptance, although i have done nothing. I dont blame her, and feel the same way, even though its enourmousle painfull, so i would say that you have to speak to your wife about it, and she being already upset will make it harder, but i thing you need to talk it through with her, she may be able to help you accept.being thrown out basically as of being gay, so be prepared I am learning... Bit it will likely mean the end of your marrige, if she can't have a gay husband. You could drop hints? Its hard, but if you want it all the time, then the answer is there. Difficult every way you cut it. Tell her, its only proloning the pain. But then I am now homeless etc so hmm.
