As I continue to live this hetro lifestyle I feel so utterly guilty towards my partner my children his family and mine my partners family are very loving and caring people they are more involved in our lives then my own family has been.Everyday I can't stop thinking about how I would come out or even if I'm certain If it's real feelings or is it just something new an exciting I just don't know.I try to imagine how my life would go if I just went with what I felt it feels exciting when I think about what it'd be like to be with a woman I really think I could settle down with one.Society freaks me out since I'm a person who worries about what others think I feel like I need to reassurance it's a constant battle between what people think and what I'd like.I have been certain in my past I was bi even though I had only ever been with my now partner.Now I feel I'm more then bi I hate labels but it's eating at me that i maybe living a lie it don't know if it's the ego side of me that is thinking I'm gay or what I've never been stuck in this mind field before I'm a prisoner to my own mind I can't escape it.I never noticed women when I came to the conclusion I was bi as to I do now.Its like I'm obsessed with it I look and imagine what it'd be like to be in a relationship with one.As the days go by I tell myself I will be out by this time which is usually when pride starts here.Im going to pride this year my partner makes fun of it says go be gay at your gay pride he even helps pay for a hotel for the night for me to enjoy a night out last year I dragged a straight friend with me cause I didn't want to go alone.While watching the Parade I had a lady rub up against me I will admit I felt quite excited about that and I continued to stand there for half hour as she constantly pushed herself against me from behind then she left with her friends.Things like that make me want to go I know that's wrong to behave in such a way I don't have any plans on sleeping with anyone while there morally I know that's wrong because I have a family.I just crave to go experience the gay clubs and that's what I plan on doing I've never been to one and I don't think there is anything wrong with going Aslong as I don't act on anything.I just long so much to try out these new experiences times ticking I'm afraid if I don't get out there and see what it's like that I'm going to be always wondering what it's like.In my mind I guess I want a woman to flirt with me but morally I know it isn't right given my circumstances.
Just wanted to let you know that I read your post. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom... or SOMEthing, but we're kinda in similar places (although I without the added stress that you have with a family situation). I've been to a gay bar... I LOVED it. They are just fun places to hang out. Hang in there. I'm pretty sure with time you'll have more clarity.
